Let’s jump right in and talk about something I never noticed until tonight: the way LVP’s necklace is cradled perfectly in her ample bosom in the opening credits. They didn’t get that in one take without gluing them in place, right? I mean, I’ve never had breasts and have no plans to have them, but even Pinky’s boobs don’t have their own gravitation field into which small diamond objects are drawn, forever trapped and yet strangely content in their fate, correct?
Katie and Schwartz have a picnic to loudly declare their love to the world, talk about how they were too drunk to have sex after the engagement party, and receive a producer driven text from Stassi. Stassi (I hate having to type that name. I want to live in a Post-Stassi world.) manages to be condescending AND patronizing in her text. Katie says that it was nice of Stassi to congratulate them on the engagement, but she “doesn’t want anything to do with her (Stassi).” This is clearly not the case, as Katie continually brings up Stassi’s name this episode, almost as if, I don’t know, she’s getting paid by production each time she says it. Like Pavlov’s dogs: Katie says Stassi and gets a treat, in her case, air time.
At SUR, LVP wants to see Katie’s ring and chastise Scheana for not getting her shift covered for the upcoming Hawaii trip. Scheana stands off to the side and glowers as Katie basks in the love from Pinky, who is almost as happy for her as she was for Pandora, but not quite. It’s very Lady Granthamy.
Peter and Jax discuss the trip (remember it is ostensibly for Jax and Sandoval’s birthday, so they use this as leverage). Jax is waiting for the right time to uninvite James, while Peter makes the case for a Kristen(!) free trip, as he is always waiting for her to explode. As are we, Peter. As are we.
Jax is having a pre-trip Birthday Lunch. This is a Big Deal in SURverland. Kristen is invited. James is not. Ariana is asked if she’s okay with this, and responds sarcastically. Everyone gets it except Scheana, who doesn’t know how to react when she is not the center of the conversation. So, of course, Scheana has a “talk” with Ariana, in which she tells Ariana she needs to get over this whole Kristen thing and that she (Scheana) does not understand sarcasm. Ariana has the temerity to tell Scheana that this is not ALL ABOUT HER and that Scheana needs to stop talking over her. Scheana is losing the conversation, so she bolts. Scheana calls Ariana a “bitchy Barbie,” while Ariana says that real friends wouldn’t keep throwing Kristen in her face. Scheana runs to Katie and calls what Ariana did a “Stassi move,” since, as of this taping, everyone hates Stassi and this is the worst you can call anyone. Scheana is also fighting a losing battle to keep both of her eyes on the front of her face – similarly to BackDoor TeenMom Farrah, she has had too much work done on her face and is slowly achieving what H.P. Lovecraft described as “The Innsmouth Look.” Your homework for the evening is to look that up and get the joke.
Speaking of Stassi, she’s in town and LVP is not happy. Stassi is not welcome at any of the VanderPump Establishments depriving her of the needed fried goat cheese balls to which she is addicted. If Stassi sets foot on premise, she must immediately be routed to Pinky. Do not pass Go. Do not Collect $200.
James and Max sneak off to the alley to discuss the upcoming trip to which Max is invited and James is not. Max says that James just needs to buy a ticket and show up. James, however, has a Baldrickian Cunning Plan, involving Max, Lala, Faith, and Jax being a “dumb ass.” He stops short of cackling as he describes it to the camera. Jax in the end consents to James going, because…production and storyline.
Kristen comes over to look at the engagement ring and bemoan (her exact words were “fucking heartbroken”) the fact that she was not at the party (which, again, was done under the guise of it being her ex-boyfriend’s birthday party, but Kristen doesn’t understand why everyone just doesn’t get over it). Kristen has been talking to Stassi. Kristen projects into the future and wishes everyone would just get along, calling it “this brief stupid time in our lives.” I believe that was the original title for the show, and truer words have never been spoken. Thank you for sharing this brief stupid time in your life with us.
LVP does not appreciate Lala being a pawn in the game of one upmanship (one cockmanship?) between James and Jax. I, personally, think Lala would enjoy being the meat in that sandwich, although I believe it would end with her in the other room making an actual sandwich while the other two carried on just fine without her. James douchely smokes and makes sex jokes with The Boss while trying to convince her to allow Max to go on the trip with James as his pussy sherpa. LVP is aghast (theme!) and susses out the real reason James wants Max to go, but allows Max to go anyway.
Scheana, Faith, and Lala go bikini shopping. Lala tries on heart shaped pasties. Scheana does not approve, as focus is being pulled from her. She announces that she’s bored and that she and Shay may renew their vows while on the trip, because nothing says “I’m just here to celebrate a friend’s birthday” like renewing your wedding vows. Lala doesn’t care, as she is going there with the specific reason to troll for Polynesian dick, especially since she isn’t sexually attracted to James, and, beside, his penis is small. You may think I have embellished this last paragraph. I have not. Commence with your “Lala’s vagina is so cavernous…” jokes now.
Jax and Kentucky Brittany prepare for the trip. Jax lies to Brittany about being in to Lala (Production was great here. He says “I’m not into her,” and they cut to a blue tinged flashback of him saying to Lala “I’m so into you.” Yay Production!). Brittany says she’s going to have to talk to Lala. We are treated to an amazing moment of Jax holding his head in his hands while trying to figure out his next lie…
Jax’s Birthday Lunch: Everyone is there, except James, Faith, and Lala. The big news, told by Scheana, is that Max is not going on the trip, as the other night he began to feel light headed and smashed his head into a wooden TV cabinet, causing some severe damage to his mouth. Scheana says that Max is on some goods meds, following this with a look at her RECOVERING ADDICT husband and the quip “Don’t Ask For Any!” Production again wins points for NOT editing out the amazing awkward silence that follows this, as it sinks in on everyone that Scheana has again not only made it all about her, but publicly verbally castrated her husband in the process. Ariana’s look clearly says “..and they’re saying I’M the bitchy one?” Scheana continues with the story, saying that this is exactly what happened to her, and how much it hurt her when it happened to her, and that she was in so much pain for so long when it happened to her. Max is forgotten in the course of the story.
Katie says that it was so sad the way James asked to come on the trip, and that its so humiliating having to ask to be included, forgetting for a moment that Kristen was there and was not invited on the trip. Scheana, clearly seeing the conversation is straying too far away from the desired topic -her-says that Lala told him James has a small dick. Kristen cries in her talking head while talking about James’s penis. Really. Jax highfives Schwartz, saying that Lala sure is hot and ready to go for HIS big dick, forgetting Kentucky Brittany is sitting next to him. She is not pleased.
Sandoval goes to the alley – which looks EXACTLY like the alley behind SUR, leading me to believe there is only one alley set – and Kristen follows, to conduct what Ariana has dubbed “Kristen’s Apology Tour 2015.” Kristen, giving the fans exactly what we want, gives an almost verbatim rendition of Glenn Closes’s Fatal Attraction speech, repeating “I’m not going anywhere.” She’s partially right. She’s not going to Hawaii, that’s for sure. We are treated to blue tinged flashbacks of Kristen’s Greatest Hits.
While THIS is going on, Scheana pulls Ariana aside for a conversation. Katie tagged along, for funsies.
Scheana claims that Ariana’s Mom called Scheana to discuss Ariana’s change of personality and to discuss whether Sandoval is a good boyfriend to her. Ariana says in her talking heads that her mother would 1) not call Scheana and 2) wouldn’t use those words and 3) fuck them, It’s On! She says that Scheana and Katie look like “ex best friends” and “assholes.” Katie throws in that she doesn’t want to use the S-word (Stassi) and that she judges people’s “integrity and character” by their ability to forgive and forget, which is easily accomplished for Katie, who has the memory span of a goldfish. Ariana talking heads that it is because of her “integrity and character” that she was never friends with Kristen in the first place (good point, actually) and is regretting the upcoming trip.
James, Lala, and Faith go to visit a clearly doped up Max. LVP and Ken call to check in. After the call they go down to the pool, Lala and Faith get topless and start making out, and James starts taking pictures, all the while saying that this is “so naughty” and he can’t believe he’s doing this in the boss’s pool. Poor Max looks on, the realization that he is being used slowly dawning on him.
We cut to the next day at the airport. Everyone, including Max, is there, with the exception of Kristen. Max is on antibiotics and CAN NOT DRINK, so, of course Scheana says that “if you’re going to drink, don’t do it in front of me,” and that maybe it’d be okay if he drank but just a little.
On a wonderfully ironic note (thanks production), we end on Jax musing that he doesn’t want James there and that it wouldn’t be so bad if James ended up in Hawaiian jail.
Coming up: Hijinks. VPR Bingo Next Week! Shay gets drunk. Tom and Ariana adult themselves away from the group, Schwartz and Katie fight, Jax goes to jail, and Stassi slithers back into town – since all the highlights show her in the same outfit, I’m hoping it’s only for part of one episode.