On this episode of WWHL, we have the engaged couple, Katie and Schwartz. And I really must say, that I personally think marrying a gay man is the way to go. Good job Katie. Way less drama. And I’m guessing he has a trust fund. That hair though… ugh.
Scwartz cusses within the first ten seconds when Andy says “your hair is on point tonight!” and Tom thanks him and Andy says he was talking to Katie. “Oh Shit” says Schwartz. Yeah, there is THAT problem with marrying a gay man. Some, like Schwartz and Sandoval. will try to compete with you in the looks department. That said, it’s an overall better choice than marrying a straight guy.
Less than a minute into the show, Andy announces the drinking word (bubba) and says to drink until you think it is a good idea to get bubba tattooed on your ass. Andy then asks how the tattoo is doing and of course Schwartz jumps up and shows us his tattooed ass. The nickname Bubba was a great move for Scwartz because when he eventually leaves Katie and comes out of the closet, it will work for his boyfriend as well. In fact, if he can keep his ass covered through his first few dates with his future boyfriend, he can pretend the tattoo is new and meant for him. Diabolical.
Andy gets bleep for saying we just saw Tom’s asscrack. Then Tom says shit again. This is reminiscent of the Lala and James appearance. Way to keep it classy. Speaking of classy, we move on to the other Tom’s ass tattoo. Of course we have a photo of the other Tom’s asscrack as well.
Apparently, there was a book in Kristen’s apartment on the show tonight called People I Want to Punch in The Face. How did we miss that? Schwartz said she did punch him in the face. I love that Kristen is so organized to keep a list in a journal specifically for this.
Next is the usual bromance montage of the Toms, followed by the secondary storyline of Schwartz’s struggle to propose to a woman. The poll question is (rather cruel) “Will Schwartz have a panic attack at his wedding?” People who have never had a panic attack should not joke about panic attacks.
We get to revisit Jax and Lala fondling each other. Gross. #PleasePassThePurell
The game is about who is and who is not allowed at their wedding. Lala and James and Carmen (Jax’s ex) are not invited. They don’t have any wedding plans yet. Schwartz is in no hurry.
Biff, from Butterfield Connecticut (I didn’t make that up, he did) calls in to say ” Schwartz is not even into Katie. Schwartz can’t even hold a job, he didn’t defend her when Jax accused her of mototboating (unintelligible), he hooked up with a girl and only told Katie when there was a text message, he poured a drink over Katie’s head, he got her a ring on a string, makes the worst business decisions in history and worst of all he got a perm! So no, he doesn’t love you Katie, he is in love with himself and Jax!”
Andy is LOVING fake caller Biff who is supposed to be asking a question about Stassi. Katie and Schwartz look mortified. Andy giggles and asks, “Don’t you have a question about Stassi?” with an evil gleam in his eye. Biff tells Katie she looks great and asks if Stassi is invited to the wedding. Katie smiles and says, “I’m not sure….wait and see.”
Andy wants to rehash the “Biff” comments and both say they have moved past all that. Schwartz says that Katie is the love of his life and he could not be happier. I think he borrowed that line from Yolanda. We all saw how well that worked out. And there was more bleeping as we go to commercial.
Next week on #PumpRules Ariana is a big ole cunt satchel about Kristen again and questions everyone’s loyalty. She is really getting the villain storyline this season.
A caller asks if she is worried Schwartz will cheat on her again. She says absolutely not. That whole cheating thing was just to bolster the fake Schwartz is straight storyline. She knows she is the only chick for him. Or something like that.
Katie and Schwartz think Jax has grown up and can be trusted now. #Delusional
A caller asks about Scheana and Shay. They both say they are doing great.
Does anyone think Kristen and Jax still hookup? They don’t. I do.
There is a bit of disagreement about how the last names will be changed when they get married. Katie wants Tom to change to her name. I think if Tom wears a wedding gown, that would be the most appropriate route to take. #NoJudgment
They play a game and Schwartz cusses AGAIN and Andy finally tells him not to cuss. The game involves Andy asking Schwartz questions about Katie. When is their anniversary? Where did she grow up? What is her favorite sex position? When did Katie lose her virginity? What part of your body does Katie like best? The only one he knew is that Katie lost her virginity at 16. Katie’s answer to the sexual position question was “I take what I can get…” Between this game and Biff, Andy is being super shady to these two.
Tom says the ring is paid in full. Because, trustfund baby.
Why did you never intervene on the Jax and Brittany thing? Katie said she did tell Brittany about his track record. She knew what she was getting herself into.
71% say Schwartz will have a panic attack at the wedding. The rest clearly don’t see the wedding really happening once Tom demands the prettiest dress.