Vanderpump Rules Recap: Boys Will Be Boys

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By Xanadude

Like a between course sorbet, this episode really was nothing more than a palate cleanser after the spit flecked main course of last week.  The unpleasantness of James and Jax fighting is quickly dismissed after a hiss from Pinky, who turns her attentions back to the more civilized guests at the table.  The teens are all gracious and could give the staff etiquette lessons, because the tables are not even cleaned before the afterfight begins.

Ariana is upset because the boys are taking off for Vegas the day after her birthday party and quickly gathers the rest of the ladies together to form a Chi-Raq style rebellion.   The ladies agree that allowing the men to go would be a bad idea, especially given past histories (Tom cheating, Tom cheating, Jax impregnating a whore, Tom cheating, chunky sweaters getting tossed on the ground, Miami Girl, etc.)  The boys ask Pinky for time off. They mention they invited Shay.  Cue obligatory “Lisa VanderPump is aghast (said with British accented “a”) at the poor poor decision her SURvants are making” moment.  She grants them the time off but warns them not to take Shay.  James is not invited.  Neither James nor Lala are invited to Ariana’s birthday party either – they say they aren’t bothered, but they are.  They make plans to “hang out” together, and by that, Lala means that James is going to take her to the Sizzler and pay for all 17 of her drinks and all the potato fixins she can handle.

Vanderpump rules Tom Ariana
Peter’s Birthday trip to Vegas (for which the boys leave the morning after Ariana’s birthday party) involves playing with construction equipment (again, this actually sounds fun), but Schwartz’s argument to Katie is that “It’s not a boys trip to Vegas. It’s a celebration of Peter’s life that just happens to be in Vegas. With bulldozers.” Katie, who was not a paste eater, calls bullshit and her resolve to not allow this happen tightens.
Ariana is turning 30 and is having “THE MOST EPIC ADULT KIDS BIRTHDAY PARTY EVER!”  To prepare, she and Tom put together gift bags.  Tom continually plays with his leopard print slap bracelet to help him remember his lines, which the writers through together after watching Z level direct to Cinemax romcoms.  Ariana is steadfast in not wanting him to go, but doesn’t really articulate why.

Party Time!  At a friend’s parents’ house (really), production has rented bungee trampolines, face painters, cotton candy machines, a bounce house, a dunk the Tom booth (really), and crates and crates of tequlia.  (Bets are the tequila company paid for it all, since we kept seeing labels.  Why don’t they just bite the bullet and ask Bethenney for SkinnyGirl products and go wild?) Even my grinchy little heart melted a bit when Ariana walked out of the house as a pink unicorn princess fairy anime hybrid.  It did look like they were having a blast.
And then the tequila hit and the moods, they start a’swinging…

Scheana makes it all about her.  We see Shay taking shots.  (again, I ask, when did the vernacular change from “doing shots” to “taking shots?”)  Schwartz and Katie decide “before they get really drunk” to talk about the Vegas trip.  Tom’s argument boils down to “if I go this one more time I will never ask for anything ever again, not even a pony!”

Ariana confesses that turning 30 is hard because her father (who died two years previously) would have been so happy for and proud of her.  The more tequila she has, the more she becomes a Human Reece’s Peanut Butter Cup, getting her Daddy Issues mixed in with her Boyfriend Issues.  Sandoval tells Princess Sparkle Ariana “Baby, I’m not going ANYWHERE…I’ll always be here by you (cue a hopefully longing gaze from Ariana)…but I really wanna play with the bulldozers.”

Ariana bares her soul and Sandoval bulldozes over it. We see a flash of genuine horror in the realization that her chosen mate is choosing construction equipment over her.  Interestingly enough, the words “fuck” and “shit” are bleeped throughout this conversation, but the word “pussy” is not.

The boys decide to go to Vegas.  The girls are planning to console Ariana with a slumber party.  No mention is made of Shay either way.

Faith, the token black SURver, joins the ladies for a post Birthday Party/work meeting.  LVP is aghast (AGHAST!) that Lala was not invited.  Ariana compounds the issue by reaching across Lala to show Pinky photos of the party.  Lala doesn’t like being left out.  LVP tells the girls that if the boys are being naughty, they should be too.  This scene is preceded by a shot of the boys in the car on the way to Vegas (Jax, Peter, Tom and Tom) as they try to find their testicles whilst farting. Incidentally, like the word “moist,” I hate the word “fart.”

Pump Rules Jax Cracks

The boys arrive in Vegas – their comped advertorial trip involves going to a place that literally allows you to use bulldozers, cranes, and other heavy machinery to destroy and/or move things.  I’d go if someone was paying for it, for sure.  Before being allowed on the machines, the boys have to take a breathalyzer, a process to which Jax is overly familiar, although he is not used to passing them.  They feel manly.  They destroy things.  They want to eat steak and drink beer.  They devolved into grunting.  At some point they are all drunk and start shoving their asses in each others faces.  Schwartz is the only one who seems uncomfortable with this.  Jax and Sandozal are naked for a good portion of this segment, and we again see Jax’s ass aka his Miami Money Maker.  Tom drunkenly calls Ariana for some scripted nonsense.  We can tell its scripted because Tom is not really a very good actor (remember his turn at Shakespeare on WWHL?).

Shay is quietly never mentioned again until later in the episode, except for the men to derisively say that they hope to never get to the point where their wimmins speak for them.  Grunt grunt grunt.

James and Lala aren’t bothered at all – AT ALL! – that they were not invited to the parties, and James is delusional enough to think everyone likes him and that its Jax that is keeping him from the sweet sweet bro-ness that is occurring now.

At the Vagina Slumber Party,  gaysian SURver Jesse is there.  We learn that Scheana prefers to receive oral sex rather than give it because it’s all about Scheana.  Shay is there as well, but is relegated to being butler/doorman, and later, Amateur Lesbian Porn Photographer, as the girls decide to invite Lala after all and then make the boys jealous by making out with each other and sending the boys the videos.   The boys pretend to be turned on and decide to reciprocate by sending quick kiss pictures back.  The only one not game is Jax, because if Jax kisses another man, he gets paid.

The interstitial music for all of this is very porny.

The boys decide to call it a night and get some rest before their trip back (and work tomorrow), but Sandoval convinces them to go back to gamble some more with the rationalization that “Everyone reaches that point in Vegas where YOU ARE UP and you need to walk away.”  Coke decisions, people.  Coke decisions.

Next episode, which is actually on Sunday:  Plot lines are moved forward, as James tries to make Jax jealous by claiming Lala as his prize, the Toms make bad decisions, and one of the girls has the temerity to suggest inviting Kristen (who was absent from this episode) to Tom’s get away birthday party.

37 Comments

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37 responses to “Vanderpump Rules Recap: Boys Will Be Boys

  1. Erica

    Ariana’s Tom was such a dick when she told him why she wanted him to stay.

    I’m a straight, pretty much strictly dickly girl (although Drew Barrymore is on my “who would you dip in the opposite pond for list”). However, those guys with those big machines? PUSSIES!!!

    As the only child of a father who when told “I can’t do that because I’m a girl” responded “Who the hell told you that shit? Get in the tractor”, they were absolute wimps. Fuck all that shit while I drive away in a Kubota tractor armed with my pink Phillips screwdriver. They hardly did anything – they pissed off their girlfriends for THAT???

    • erikainhb

      I see nothing wrong with girly (well not prissy girly) girls wanting to drive real life Tonka trucks. I sooo want to do that. I saw it first on I forget what talk show (Ellen maybe) that had those 3 older ladies who put thier twerk, getting stoned and other things on You Tube. They went and did this and it was awesome. I 1. Want to party with and be like them and 2. That would be so much fun to do!

    • Mark

      When I was taught how to drive a JCB as a kid, my fun was chasing after my friend trying to dump a bucket of dirt on him. Never could catch him. Really wanted to bury that fucker too. I had childhood issues, clearly.

    • T D

      Girls will be boys and boys will be girls. Never underestimate the power of a tomboy or a tomgirl.

    • Xanadude

      They didnt want the girls to go because they spent a majority of their time naked and putting their dicks and asses in each others faces – the girls, not having penises, could not have participated in this highly sacred rite of male bonding and were therefore excluded.
      Really, I don’t see how they acted any different without the girls than the do when the girls are there, with the exception of giving scripted schmaltzy apology speeches every five minutes.

      • erikainhb

        So true! The only difference is that they didn’t have spend it apologizing (to the girls) for their boy behavior and they could let their winky waving, fart flying flags wave! As a chick I say… Have at it. I’ll happily pass

  2. Cat

    Xanadude, you make this show sound a lot more exciting than it actually is. Your recaps are to television as books are to movies. The written form is always superior. Thanks!

  3. Dracla Dunning

    Thanks for the great recap, Xanadude. I cannot watch the crap that is Vanderpump Rules because of the behavior and values of this cast even though I realize it is scripted. As much as I try to convince myself that they are playing a character, in my heart I believe their off camera behavior mimics closely what I watch and that is sickening. LVP is right there with them in my book. They are derelicts. I really do appreciate the chuckles I get reading your recaps and appreciate your dedication.

    • Dee

      Xanadude, great recap. Thank you!

      • Great` recap. I watched but I don’t know why. These people are so useless and self-absorbed that they barely warrant a single thought about their so-called “problems”. They are way too old to expect them to grow up someday so I have no hope for any of them to act in an adult manner. Sheanna bothers me the most because of her total inability to see herself for who she is…..a self-entitled brat. I feel badly for her husband but he’s also an adult and should know better. Jax and the other men/boys are ridiculous and this staged version of some kind of reality is beyond annoying. LaLa is creepy so she fits well with James who is the creepiest of them all. Lisa sticks her nose in everyone’s business as if she knows and understands how people really live. The show is the perfect waste of time for me. I don’t have to think when I watch it because none of them are worth thinking about.

      • erikainhb

        This may have been said already but… Is Scheanna just a younger version of Shannon Beador? She needs to watch the OC fir a look at her future.

  4. whymebaby

    Getting ready to watch now, Thank you for the recap . Awesome job !

  5. Toddy

    The girls don’t trust the boys, so they make out with each other. Nice logic. Maybe believable if they were 15 and not 30+. Perhaps they should evaluate these relationships since trust is slim to none.

  6. cavex2

    I adore you!! This was another fantastic recap. Damn, I wish you wrote the script for this show. Thank you for taking time to do these recaps!!! xoxo Jen

  7. Adults who making the biggest deal out of their birthdays requiring the world to stop for them and calling it “their day” annoy the living fuck out of me. So what if Tom wanted to go to Vegas the day AFTER her birthday. Your birthday is over Ariana. Jeez!

    • erikainhb

      Worse…. ‘It’s my birthday week/month!’ Celebrate me for 30 days.

      I’m ok with your day being a big deal to and having a party (unless you’re like Stassi and just obnoxious about it) ..for that day..ill give you that..but a month?! Oh hell no

  8. erikainhb

    Great recap!!!!

  9. Jaana

    Ariana got her makeup professionally done in that scene with Lisa. It looks airbrushed. She should do that more often.

  10. Xanadude

    Aftershow segment one:Ariana, Lala and Scheana are on the couch and Julie is in lesbian heaven. In order to keep the kids party theme going, everyone breaks our baby bottles filled with alcohol. Julie has a nipple fixation and loves her bottle. A question is directed to Ariana, and Scheana answers, because…Scheana. Ariana tries to justify not inviting Lala but makes it worse by coming up with hokey excuses. Every time someone says something juvenile, Julie suckles at the bottle. Lala confesses she picked up a chick at Pump. Julie makes her walk through the story in all its lesbionic detail – unfortunately she got too drunk to follow through. She decided to go all in at Scheana’s party for the first time,saying “one chick vs. six chicks” The girls re-enact the kiss for Julie several times.
    In the tease to the guys segment, Julie says that she will be the only actual guy there. I love Julie.

  11. Xanadude

    Aftershow segment two: Tom, Tom and Jax are introduced as the cast of “Ocean 69,” and Brandy wishes they would just 69 and get it over with. The guys groan.
    Every time the guys try to steer the conversation to the manly things they do, like poker and jumping on tables, Brandy brings out they fact that they seemed to have spent the whole trip naked putting their dicks and butts on each others faces.
    Brandy calls out Sandoval on his baby talk voice and scripted lines. The Toms have a baby talk off to see who can be the most ingratiating to Julie. Jax goes neanderthal.
    The hosts call the Dig It site The Sandbox. I like that metaphor a lot.
    The phrase “plowing that fresh virgin dirt” is uttered and repeated several times.

  12. Xanadude

    Aftershow segment three: The Toms are joined by their mates. Katie thinks Shcwartz is “a little naive” aka stupid while Scwartz tries to be sincere in saying he is trustworthy and fails. The hosts call him out on it and ask him to repeat his phrases but with more sincerity. Schwartz fails.
    The Tom/Ariana “I love you but I love bulldozers more” scene is repeated.
    The hosts flat out ask if Ariana ever gave her blessing to Tom to go to Vegas. Much hemming and hawing, as no one can say “production and the script dictated that he go.”
    Tom and Katie’s sex life is discussed. It’s about as interesting as Katie, so, you know, I’m not going to recap that any more.

    Aftershow segment four: The Aftershow will not be on next week. My DVR lists it as a Season Finale, so I dont know if it will be coming back when VPR returns in January or not. I sincerely hope so.

    • JoJo

      Besides the on point recap of the actual show, I’m thrilled you include the Aftershow recaps with Juli and Brandy!!
      As some others said about your VPR recaps, I second the motion that they’re more interesting than what I actually saw on TV.
      But, I do love those Aftershows and your take, since I think they’re more often better than the actual show too. It’s predominantly due to Julie and Brandy I’m sure. Those 2 are Real Reality TV Treasures and need to be employed by Bravo in any capacity possible … imho.

  13. JoJo

    I notice that the Palms in Vegas still is paying the piper Bravo and keeping the Maloof name afloat. Hard times hit the Maloofs here in Vegas and they’re minority owners now. It was once THE playground for the young, ultra-rich bad boys.
    But that time passed so it made sense that the VPR non-ultra-rich boys were filmed playing with big men construction equipment instead of filming in one of the many specialty suites the Palms use to have catering to ballers, bowlers and the like.
    The place was always off the Strip, but had the cache of uber cool, now it’s just off the strip and out of the way, and worse – affordable:o

  14. Thanks so much, Xanadude! Love your recaps. I’m also enjoying the new Tom/Arianna dynamic. Last season they were playing crazy in love (“If I want a vacation I just look in Arianna’s eyes”). Now we get to see Arianna’s bitchy side & that she sees thru Tom’s bs. It warms my cold little heart.

  15. Xanadude

    I keep glazing on the scene where Tom and Ariana are making gift bags and Tom keeps pulling his lap bracelet off and then slapping it back on, like he was using it to either help him focus or he was somehow punishing himself for subconsciously choosing heavy machinery over his girlfriends vagina.

    • Xanadude

      SLAP bracelet

    • WonkyTonk

      He was using it to tune out on what she was saying so he could justify the unjustifiable. While I believe it’s not desirable to be held hostage to the emotional whims of your partner both of the Toms lacked finesse in handling their individual situations. The edit makes it seem as though they went because they wanted to go more than they wanted to meet the needs of their partners. If that’s production driven that’s a pretty shitty way to deal with them if they truly wanted not to go. But from the looks of it they were more than happy to go. And if it was production driven I’m sure they used that as their excuse, their hands were tied.

  16. Toddy

    Was it Minky or Maisey who said that Peter has a Patty Duke bob? I snorted when I finished the episode today. I prefer the pony to the bob. He should man up and cut it shorter.

  17. WonkyTonk

    Just watched the aftershow, and when they brought out Katie I was like my god her lower face looked swollen, and then I noticed so did her breasts is it possible she’s pregnant?

  18. Tp

    I just can’t make myself like Ariana, I’ve tried but I just do not like the girl. She seems very needy/clingy and insecure. Enough with the whining and acting like a little girl already. She’s boring. I didn’t realize that she,too, is an aspiring actress. No wonder she basically slinked in and stole Kristen boyfriend and is trying to steal her spot on the show. Kristen is the show! In fact, there’s not enough Kristen yet this season and it’s sort of a snooze fest imo. Ariana and Tom are trying to completely cut out the main star of the show but I don’t think it’s gonna fly. Ariana has swooped in, stolen her boyfriend and her friends , and now she complains at the very mention of her name. Doesnt she know that there wouldn’t be a show if Kristen weren’t around?

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