Vanderpump Rules Recap

Vanderpump Rules Lisa

 

BY XANADUDE (Sorry I forgot the byline in haste to get it up tonight!)

Before beginning with the nonsense that is tonight’s VanderPump Rules, takes a minute and check out Covenant House, the charity featured on tonight’s show.  No snark about this.  I work with underprivileged and homeless kids and teens as well, so I take this very seriously.  Please Check out the link to Covenant House!

LVP and Ken meet with Arielle, a representative for Covenant House and agree to sponsor a lunch/dinner for several of the teens.  Lisa wants the teens to have a great experience and perhaps have it be a teachable moment for her overprivileged bratty staff.

Schwartz, prior to filming, let himself go, look-wise, and wisely got a shave and a haircut before going before the camera.  We still don’t really know what he does for money, as he doesn’t seem to have a job (the last one we saw was when he was jumping – and being criticized for how he was doing it – at a modeling gig) and doesn’t seem to worry about it.  As a matter of fact, both Toms mention several times in the episode that they are SO busy with birthday parties and stuff that he doesn’t have time or the desire to hold a steady job.

Vanderpump Rules Tom TomIts time for the Toms to TALK BIDNESS, as their meeting with Pandora and Jason in in a few days. Their business plan is to not have a business plan.  Sandoval wants to be the one who does the talkin’, cuz Schwartz freezes up when more than two thoughts enter his head.  They put forth the idea that they should be hired as spokesmodels (no one speaks of spokesmodels any more, and that saddens me), while Katie literally stares, mouth a’gaping at the stupidness before her. Pure conjecture, but I think a little part of her wants them to crash and burn, partly for the pure spectacle of it and also because she’s tired of this nonsense.
Jax couldn’t get it up for Lala.  He said that “he could have destroyed her,” which brings me to Misogynistic Rant #1 of the Evening: what the fuck is up with men using that term to refer to having sex with a woman? Destroy her? Really?  Stop it, het-men. Stop it now.  Later in the episode, Ariana rails against the (and I quote here) “heteronormative fucking bullshit” of the male SURvers.  This is example one in this episode alone.
Seriously. Stop it.
Jax’s skin tone also varies widely in this episode, from the pale white in this scene to a more tanned looked later.  It could be bloat, it could chemical (ahem. sniff sniff sniff), it could be spray tan, but pale skinned vampire Jax is not a good look, especially with his jet black Ronald Reagain hair dye.  He has also Botoxed his face, so it’s not moving or showing expressions.

PUMP lala

James and Lala plan on going on a date.  This is important.
The next scene is entirely devoted to James and his mother, Jacqueline Kennedy.  This entire thing came be summed up by noting that James has mommy issues.  His parents are divorcing -he blames his drinking and treatment of women on this.  Nice deflect, but no one’s buying it.  James-James (you know, the son of the OTHER Jacqueline Kennedy was John John, so…) tries not to swear in front of his mommy, but fails.  James’s mother, by the way, is an American ex-model. I think we are supposed to feel something for James and the point of this was to add depth to his character, but you can’t add to something that doesn’t exist, and, by episode’s end, any good will he would have banked is depleted.
Jax and Kristen(!) go on an exposition filled boxing playdate to talk about their love lives.  Kristen is dating Aleks (bam bam bam on the punching bag), Jax doesn’t want to pay for his girlfriend to move out to California (bam bam bam) nor does he want her moving in (bam bam bam).  Kristen has used that modeling in Detroit money to pay for a maid to clean her apartment before James comes over to collect his things.  (Wouldn’t it be fab if he came to pick up the cable box?)

LVP calls a staff meeting to tell them about the dinner for the Covenant House clients.  In the spirit of giving, James makes it all about himself (he’s been studying the Master, Scheana), and says that he doesn’t want to tell his coworkers about his trouble – this is info he will only share with his close confidants, the VPR audience.  LVP takes a moment to ask the Toms about their business proposal, that they must come equipped.  To us, she says her expectations are low.

Katie and Scheana are rethinking their previous anti-Lala stance.

James tries to bond with Jax and Tom.   This does not go well.

James goes to Kristen’s.  This does not go well.

Submitted for your Emmy Approval – the epic James and Kristen scene:  Kristen, in her nine months of therapy, has learned how to be stone faced in the face of crazy, subtly goading James into a frenzy while remaining outwardly calm.  We see a glimpse of the Kristen we love.  In Misogynistic Rant #2 of the evening, James goes full tilt crazy, calling her a slut, telling her she smells bad, and spitting on the door on the way out.  Kristen runs to call Jax and report what happened.  If nothing else good comes from this episode, the Jax/Kristen Alliance is worth the time and investment of watching this episode.  You know that no good will come from this, yet you want to see it play out.
At Sangria Summit 2015, the Toms are presenting their idea to the VanderPump Clan.  Schwartz, going against Sandoval’s wishes, speaks first and proving Plato’s adage that “Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something.”  They talk and talk — oh, how they talk! — using words they heard on some late night Kevin Trudeau infomercial.  Jason is not happy and asks how they spent their past week.  We know that they spent it coming up with excuses and reasons to fail, but the Toms actually think they are doing well and offer negotiate themselves into being Pandora’s unpaid bitches.  Seriously.  Pandora, in disbelief, asks if they are actually offering to work for her, for free, at her disposal, and they say “Of Course!” and THINK THEY DID WELL.  Really. High fives from the Toms for their business acumen. The term “pro bono” was on their word of the day calendar, so they used it, but, having not actually read the definition, think they did well.  I am not making this up.  They aimed for being “brand ambassadors,” and that is what they walked away with – no money and more work.

At Jax’s apartment, in which he has a bicycle on the wall for every occasion (really), he and girlfriend discuss girlfriend moving in, even though Jax told everyone that this was not going to happen.  Jax also says that Lala is aggressively pursuing him and they are going out on a “not a date,” telling us that “a little truth goes a long way.”

The Day of the Youth Dinner

LVP and Ken are offering up the full menu.  Scheana says that they could have taken the easy way out and just offered ice water and three items, but LVP is SOOOOOOOOO generous.  She stretches the word SO to about six or seven syllables.  She also, as Scheana is want to do, makes it all about her, saying she relates to them because she has a husband at home that she forces to pee on command to prove his love.

The ladies are repulsed by James’s spitting on the door.  They are also amused at the Toms negotiating skills, which, according the to the Toms, is on par with Henry Kissinger and the Camp David Accords.

Tom and Arianna clash over the color of the drinks being served.  Ariana right thinks pink, and when LVP agrees with her over Tom, openly laughs in her fiance’s face.

Lisa and Ken are gracious to their guests, one of whom flirts with Lisa.  The guests are appreciative and the SURvers last three whole course until they begin to make it all about themselves.

We start the drama with the fucking annual right of passage known as “Birthday.”  I hate the big deal they make over their birthdays.  Ariana is having an “I’m turning 30 so I want to play”Party (which sounds kind of fun), while Peter is taking the boys to Vegas the day after Ariana’s party.  Ariannna is pissed.  Cue Arianna’s “heteronormative fucking bullshit” line.  If you’ll notice, I’ve varied the number of Ns in the spelling of Ariana’s name, because neither spellcheck nor I care about the actual spelling.

In the midst of this, Jax and James argue.  Jax starts it, referring to the restaurant as “his” and being pissed about James the Younger encroaching on his territory.  He uses defending Kristen as an excuse, though.

Misogynistic Rant #3 and by far the worst: James at first denies spitting, but in the same rant, says that “it’s her fault for winding me up and making me do that.”  THIS is the same fucking argument that abusive people use – I may have hit you, I may have yelled at you, I may have raped you – BUT it’s YOUR fault for winding me up and making me do this.  Fuck you, James.  Fuck you.

LVP is mortified, telling the Js to stop.  Both feebly try to defend themselves, both using the “but he started it” excuse.

Next week is the annual sighting of Jax’s bare ass.  I believe that means we have five more weeks of snow.  Because, sniff sniff sniff.

66 Comments

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66 responses to “Vanderpump Rules Recap

  1. Xanadude

    Let me reiterate, if I did not do so enough above in the recap, how much I really really really fucking dislike James right now.

  2. Xanadude

    Aftershow segment 1: Jax, who is sporting a Paul Ryan widow’s peak, says he doesn’t know if Ariana is a feminist, causing Julie to recoil and mock him with “I hope there aren’t any of those here!” The hosts also ask is he and Ariana don’t get along because Ariana thinks Jax is “skanky.” Jax does not get that he is being mocked.

  3. Anastasia_Beave

    Jax is getting creepier and creepier each episode. He freaks me the F out.

  4. Xanadude

    Aftershow segment two: Jax is joined by Brittany. B claims to never have seen the show before meeting Jax. She grew up on a farm (with chickens and cows and stuff, interjects Jax), which Julie loves and says is very lesbian. Jax is worried B is a lesbian because of this. Brandy asks if a tamed Jax means they just lay around watching TV and smelling each others feet – cue picture of Jax sniffing B’s feet. Julie laughs at Jax trying to explain his history with moving girls in. Jax pours on the romance and says he agreed to have B move in beause, well, fuck it. B is uncomfortable and laughs. B does not like watching the show and seeing skanky Jax. Their body language is weird – Id say they’ve already broken up at this point based on it.
    Personally, I dig the fact that B is not waif thin like Jax’s previous partners. A real woman. Farm woman. Hopefully not a fame whore, cuz she seems genuine.

    • Remember when Tamara first wrote about Brittany & some of her friends posted that we were all wrong about Jax? That he was actually a good guy in real life & treated her so well? I think of that every time he tells people that they’re not really together so he can still fuck around. Such a good guy…

      James, on the other hand, is beyond gross. His delusions about himself are sometimes entertaining but it’s the kind of entertainment that makes me feel dirty. I end up hating myself for watching it. They shouldn’t make him the star of the show. Maybe in smaller doses it would be fun again? Ugh. Ruining my favorite show.

    • Hilarious recap xanadude. I love that you include recaps of the aftershow too.

      Brittany actually seems really sweet. I hope she runs far far away. Actually jax and lala are a match made in heaven. When the honeymoon is over I bet they will have some spectacular fights.

      Speaking of fights… I find it so wierd that time wise Kristin and James broke up only 8 days before the footage from tonight. They went from love to seething hatred rather quickly didn’t they? All over a modeling job in Detroit. Lol. Kristin gave me life in that fight scene with James. Good lord, the apocalypse must be coming..Kristin and jax are the two most likable people on this show. ?

  5. ZenJen55

    Ok, i purchased the top Lala was modelingon Amazon! Different color but i love it, its very soft snd comfortable. Great with leggings as it is long. It flows in a way that if your shaped like a boy (me) or you have some extra pounds in the waist area, it is very forgiving and flattering. Just an update

  6. This pic of Lisa Vanderpump reminds me of what a friend said bemoaning her required attendance at a corporate Christmas party: “Oh my Lord, I’m so tired of seeing old titties.” (I think LVP is gorgeous, but my friend made me laugh out loud.)

  7. Xanadude

    Aftershow segment three: Pinky and the James
    LVP get a grand introduction. James does not.
    LVP still does not like Kristen apparently, as they all say to James “You Should Not Spit” and LVP adds “unless its Kristen”
    LVP sees the clip and is horrified (she is horrified and appalled a lot on VPR)
    James still doesn’t see that he did anything wrong, saying that she kept winding him up
    Jaxing it up is the term they use when Jax takes a story and changes it slightly for more effect ie James spitting on her door vs spitting on her

    • JoJo

      My favorite Julie-ism so far is when James was on with LaLa, and Julie starts with “If there was a show with just you 2, it would be called ‘Lames’ – you know for LaLa and James”:))
      I think James got the shade, but I’m not certain!

  8. Xanadude

    Aftershow segment 4: Preview of next week’s Lesbionic Skyping

  9. mary

    I barely watch the show anymore. I have no need to. The recaps are hilarious and way better entertainment!

  10. Xanadude

    To those of us of a certain age: who else used to drunkenly re-enact the George Michael Freedom 90 video by pretending to be Christy Turlington and pulling the sweater over your head?

    • Who is this man with two first names? The one caught doing the dodgy in a public toilet?

    • Freedom song and video is everything!
      Xanadude that was Linda Evangilista that pulled the turtleneck sweater over her head… I envied Christy Turlington’s costume, a sensually oversized bed sheet that billowed & trained behind her as she walked. Another scene I was obsessed with is when the guy would hang upside down in his boxers wearing the gravity boots, just like Richard Gere did in American Gigolo..SMOKING HOT! I very much wanted that leather jacket that is set on fire in the video too. I did have a leather jacket with some studded adornments & fringes but it did not have REVENGE on the back…. P.S. One night my female boss & I went to a club for drinks after work. The song “I want your sex” by George Michael played & we were drunk & hit the dance floor. Before I knew it we were bumping & grinding and making out on the dance floor. An hour later I lost my virginity. Ironically gay George Michael’s music propelled this repressed gay 20 year old to lose his virginity.

      • Xanadude

        Totally right on the Evengilista/Turlington mixup. That video was such a touchstone for gay men of our age, I think. As opposed to the Wham! song Freedom, which enthralled us with a bunch of middle aged Chinese women singing and dancing along with Wham!

      • That video was no slouch for lesbians either FYI. RAWR.

  11. Spilledperfume

    After watching my first Vanderpump episode tonight I will be skipping the show and sticking to reading the recaps.

  12. BH Wannabe

    I LOVE People’s Couch!!!

  13. BH Wannabe

    Okay, Xanadude, your recaps are AWESOME! Thorough, funny, and I love the positivity! Keep it up!

  14. Angel(?)

    And James continues to rehab Jax’s image. The two of them are assholes but there is a difference. Jax is a lovable asshole where James is just an asshole.

  15. Matzah60

    Great recap, Xanadue! Much better than the actual show. Didn’t even realize that you had written the recap until I started reading the comments because you and Tamara have similar writing styles and incredibly dry, entertaining humor. Thanks for all the chuckles! Great reading!

  16. Shae

    Excellent recap, hilarious! lol

    I think James summed it up when he admitted he feels like Kristen has hurt him more than any woman. That’s where all his butthurt hate is coming from, this venom he has. I am no fan of Kristen really, but buddy, get your shit together. You knew where she was coming from when you got with her, you knew she was still hooked on her ex and she cheated with jax and lied to her best friend about it…you waded into that pool of shit willingly then you want to get mad when you don’t feel she’s trustworthy? Please. Showing all of his 22 years lol

    He really does have a problem with abuse, though. You absolutely can be respectful to women, as a man, even if they aren’t respectful to you or themselves. You don’t have to behave like an animal just because they aren’t behaving properly. Other people’s bad behavior doesn’t justify your own, he acted like a disgusting pig to kristen. His mother should be appalled. If I had a son, of any age, and he spoke like that and spit at a woman? I’d beat the living shit out of him.

    Oh, and the irony of Jax lecturing about respecting women, good god.

  17. AKA Riley

    Wouldn’t it be fab if he came to pick up the cable box? Yes! Yes it would be fab! Only one of your many funny, funny little ditties. Another one…The Sangri Summit of 2015. Cracking me up throughout the entire post. Thanks, dude, for a most fabulous read!

  18. Peter did not play a big role in the episode, but he did appear briefly.
    His hair looked like Luann de Lesseps.
    “The Countess will seat you now”

    Why can’t this guy get his hair act together? He is certainly surrounded by shining examples of perfect coiffed glory. I give you the Tom Toms.
    Sigh.

  19. StubbyG

    Did anyone notice the camera view of Kristens’ butt when she bent over to pick something up on the coffee table before James came over? Her shorts went high up and the camera was right there. It made me think about how her last boyfriend made the comment of how she was dressed when she came over to pick up the last of her stuff at his house trying to be all sexy. I thought it was funny!

    • Jaded

      Yes, I noticed that and thought the same. IMO though Kristen doesn’t have a good body.

    • Lol. How could u NOT notice? She had one of the biggest camel toes going I’ve ever seen and maximum butt cheek exposure going on.

      I had forgotten about her preparations for the last breakup scene. Haha. She must have to start preparing weeks before for these breakup rituals. Save money, buy hot outfit, get apartment cleaned. Etc..

  20. Shae

    Also, presumably they started dating when he was 20 or 21, how can you honestly expect to be dating a mature/refined man when he’s that age? This was just a disaster from the jump.

  21. run_dmc

    I have never laughed so hard at any reality show than I did watching the “bidness” scene with the Toms. Who talks themselves into doing work for free and thinks it’s a success. (Also loved Ariana’s “they’re not taking baby steps, they are taking fetus steps.”) Then, fell over laughing again at your recap Xanadude; I also said to myself they have no idea what “pro bono” actually means. Priceless.

  22. Gapeachinsc

    James is an abuser. Period. I noticed Kristin in her cut off shorts, too, and while I’ve always thought she was cute, in that outfit, I thought she was hot.

  23. Clearly, none of the women on this show ever heard my Mom’s #1 rule on dating: Never date a man whose ass is smaller than yours…or a guy who uses more makeup than you do.

  24. Lisa

    Tom Schwartz is really into gambling..i.e. playing poker.

    Not sure if it is profitable for him, but I’m guessing they don’t mention it on VR because you can’t film inside a casino.

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