Thoughts By Xanadude
Incidentally, Jax dances a lot this episode. Chalk this up to coke and horniness and possibly wearing Scheana’s underwear.
Scheana again put her need for fun above the health of her husband, saying “I couldn’t date someone who’s dead sober.” Jax posits that Scheana is simply setting Shay up for failure. I say this with peace and love, but when Jax has the moral high ground, one had best run from the hills, as the apocalypse is eminent. But at least it will coincide with Pride, so it will be a glittery apocalypse.
We finally learn why James exists, in both the existential and casting sense. His father is George Michael’s cousin, was Wham!’s manager, and that George Michael is James’s godfather. This explains many many things, including Jame’s smirk – it’s inherited. We also find out the Lala is interested in starting a singing career. Which leads us to the eternal conundrum: Is it prostitution is you trade sex with a douchey DJ with family connections for the privilege of singing the stanza in a crappy rap song recorded on an Ipad?
James tells Lala to pick a side. Lala is too old to pick sides. They sing. They fuck. and we learn the heretofore unknown bit that James likes to be bitten during sex. This is actually IMPORTANT PLOT INFORMATION. Have you heard of Checkov’s gun? I’ll wait and let you look it up, because this bit of information is the Checkov’s gun of this episode of Vanderpump Rules.
The Toms take Shay for a “me” day of AfroCarribeanDanceFighting, because he “needs a win.” This scene is actually very sweet, and the Toms are a much better wife to Shay than his actual wife. Shay gets a talking head! Shay has insight! I like Shay! He realizes that Scheana now has something to perpetually hang over his head in their marriage and he’s worried about his. He also says that while talking to Scheana she doesn’t listen and instead clickclacks on her phone, texting. Shay’s SisterHusbands are worried about this. BTW – Schwarts says his engagement ring for Katie is almost finished, and the proposal is planned, but he wants to keep it a secret, so he won’t tell anyone, even on camera. Again, INSIGHT!
Meanwhile, Scheana goes to the DMV to get her name changed because “Scheana Shay is so much cooler… ” Scheana may be the first person in history to marry someone for alliteration.
Finally, it’s Gay Pride Day!
Jax is sweaty and coked up (allegedly). He mishandles some glassware and ends up serving someone a shard-arita. Seriously. He broke a glass (L’CHAIM!), then didn’t entirely clean out the ice, knowing the safety hazard this poses. This leads me to think this was staged, because even Bravo isn’t going to film someone being served a drink with glass shards in it. Lala is turned on by sweaty coked up (allegedly) Jax – is there any way we can introduce her to Shahs Mike and have her at least trade up?
Lisa pretends to bartend while wearing a wide brimmed hat, with the stated intention of it being a barrier to keep people at arm’s length. Jax breaks the barrier. Lisa is not amused.
James, taking a break and allowing some sunglassed big boobied gal to take over the DJ booth, deep kisses Lala, who notices the bites and bruises. James is proud of this (he never got over the “showing off his hickeys” stage), Lala is repulsed, and Villainess Lauren swoops in, feigning concerning for Lala and saying repeatedly “don’t ask me who he slept with giggle giggle.” Lala thanks her for being a friend. They’ve traveled down the road and back again, but Lauren’s heart isn’t true, as she is cheating on gay boyfriend Anthony with James.
Scheana brings Shay to Gay Pride and stashes him in a backroom while she works. At the end of her shift, they count her tips, marveling in the fact that 748 is bigger than 48! Shay appears to be the only sober person there. Did I mention I like Shay?
James has a roommate, y’all! His name is Brayden and he and Kristen apparently get along. He starts to tell the story of last night (James had sex, but, at some point the police showed up and almost arrested him. Whahuh?)
We learn that Katie is vanilla is her sex life. James slithers into the group (Slithers. Anyone else think that James reminds them of Draco Malfoy?) bragging about his seven hour sex sesh and in the next breath asking Lala “Can I still fall in love with you?” Brayden spills the beans to Kristen about James and Lauren. Kristen tells Lala. Lala freaks out on Lauren, who grabs her gay boyfriend and tries to hide from the cameras, screaming “I don’t want this filmed!” while her gay boyfriend accuses her of cheating with James.
The only good that comes out of this? It sets up Jax and Lala to have revenge sex. Jax has an “I’m about to fuck a new girl” dance that he performs right as he and Lala leave SUR to “go to Tom’s,” which is probably not a euphamism but sounds better than the lame ones we’ve heard our of George Michael Jr. all night.