I’m sad to share we’ve had a failed pregnancy. I have cried so much that I can’t cry anymore. We were pregnant with twins but we’re not anymore.
I chose to share this here, because I made this quest for Milla (and hopefully her sibling) public a long time ago.
Every day I meet people congratulating me and Derek on the baby news, I get baby clothes sent to the office by kind strangers, and it se…ems that more people are invested in our little family than I could ever imagine. Our family is no different from yours… we just want to build our own unit of love in our own home.
The last couple of days I couldn’t take it anymore, to upkeep this perception of happiness and success when I’ve been a total sad mess inside. I’ve felt like a failure and that I’ll never get to where I want to go: for me and Derek to finally become parents. I’ve heard these stories so many times before, about couples who’ve tried so hard and for so long but now I fully understand how difficult it can be.
I try to zoom out and see the bigger picture. It’s hard most of the time. It gets a little better. It does. Derek is so kind, especially at night when I’ve been the saddest. We do have the dogs. We have our family and friends. They say it’s common in the first ten weeks. Mini kisses my salty tears. And we will try again. We have to. I’m not giving up. We’re just not going to give up! We have to go on and simply try again.
Yet, I wonder… where is she now? Is she already out there somewhere, above? Is she waiting for us like she’s always been waiting, just a little longer? Can she see all of this, but just doesn’t have a worldly form yet to reach out, give me a sign and make me stronger? ❤