For the past few days I’ve been wanting to watch TV rather than recap TV. I’ve been binging on Unforgettable (CBS, female detective has one of those memories like that one woman, whatshername, I um forget. SWIDT?), Reckless (Um also CBS I think, Two hot lawyers female defense, male prosecutor sexual tension set in Charleston) Dating Naked (Vh1, Realityish) and occasionally peeking at Utopia live feeds. It’s been fun but it has me a bit behind in recapping so I am going to take care of that tonight. I hope eeess okay eef I start with Couples Therapy. It occurs to me that there should be an apostrophe in the title.
It’s only Day Two and Treach and Cicely have been arguing since Day One. Dr. Jenn’s helpful talk over points out what a blessing it is to have people to commiserate and support each other. Then the camera pans to Evel Dick. I hated Evel Dick on Big Brother. Way beyond my current dislike for say Christine this season. It’s taken me a few years to mellow and realize that even though some of these people are on TV for us to be amused, disgusted or outraged by, they are a product of society and all simply media whores. Unless they are endangering the lives of cancer patients for profit, or doing serious time for felonious acts I no longer bat an eye. But back in Evel Dick’s 15 minutes of pan banging and pissing in Jen’s tea or whatever he did, it seems like child’s play now. And even on episode two, I’m starting to think I’m going to enough his cranky ass exterior this season. I have a feeling he’s hiding a secret. I hope we find out what it is.
Treach vents to Evel Dick about Cicely. Cicely rides his ass all the time, checks his phone, accuses him of cheating and now she wants to be his personal assistant so she can track his ass. I have to give Cicely props for the whole personal assistant idea but she failed to execute the plan before Treach was on to her. Poorly played, Cicely, very poorly played.
It’s time for the first group. The topic is what’s the worst thing you can tell us about your relationship. Please make it something as dramatic as possible. Treach and Cicely talk about his cheating. Treach says he only is with other people when they are not together. That’s usually when it happens, no? Treach has lots of righteous indignation. He also pronounces ‘button’ like Frankie Grande. Is that significant? Dr, Jenn mutters something about Treach being tender with her heart and she will trust him. No mam, dude needs to keep his dick in his mutherfucking pants and she might trust him. This ain’t Ward and June Cleaver we are treating here Dr. Jenn. It’s the tatted up dude for NAUGHTY BY NATURE.
Dr. Jenn gleefully turns to the next couple, Juan Pablo and Nikki. So tell us Juan, what’s fucked up about y’all? Juan says after the show everyone was attacking them. He says ees okay. Nikki says ees not okay with her. Nikki hates fans interrupting their dinners. Nikki said some family wanted to her take a picture with them and she said no and they sold the story to the tabloids saying she was a bitch. Nikki needs to get over that. She doesn’t have to take a picture if she doesn’t want to, if people sell the story then, what the fuck does she care? And she is protective of Juan Pablo because people hate him for not saying I love you. Nope wrong again, Nikki, people hate him because he’s a shitbag. He banged the first chick, talked about banging the first chick to the second chick in a negative way and then banged you and you were the only one left who would still speak to him. He’s a crappy human being in a pretty package with an accent.
Next is Deena and Chris. Deena has an anxiety disorder. Going into her second season on Jersey Shore it came to a head. She takes “crazy pills” now and is a bit embarrassed about it. Oh Deena, don’t be embarrassed about taking the crazy pills! Be embarrassed about being a meatball. Actually, ya know what, don’t be embarrassed about that either. You were young, you’re still young and there are a whole bunch of us who are glad that our 1980/90s were not filmed for everyone to see. It’s going to be fine. Now let’s move on to someone more interesting.
Evel Dick and Stephanie are officially broken up. Oh. Stephanie is going through the baby thing. Been there done that. She never wanted a baby, but when she hit her forties she realized that it is not her choice anymore, or perhaps for not much longer and she is wondering if she should just have one at the last-minute because everyone else has kids. Now she is panicking and thinking she wants one. Evel Dick has already raised his kids to adulthood and he’s not willing to knock her up. Stephanie, this will pass. The only reason you want a kid now is because you are reaching the age when you can’t. It’s like when the ex you don’t love anymore gets married. Suddenly, you think it could have worked and it might have been what you wanted. It wouldn’t have, and it isn’t. It’s just when the option isn’t there anymore things feel all final and forced upon you even when you made the decision yourself. It’s human nature. Get a hobby. Seriously. You need something to occupy your time. Also, look in the mirror, the look at Evel Dick. Then do it a few more times. If you honestly want a baby, is that the gene pool you are going for? Sweetie, bless your heart. Dick is still wearing black nail polish, btw. Probably to hide the nicotine stains. Dr.Jenn was kind of a dick to Dick.
Everyone is waiting for the final couple. Everyone is calling the token gay couple. But SURPRISE! It’s the token porn chick, Jenna Jameson and her boyfriend Dick Wood. Um, Dick Wood? Is he a porn start too? Whoever he is, his ex-wife was fucking Jenna’s ex husband. So they were like okay, then, let’s hook up. Um, I am assuming this woman is not a current porn star. She looks elevently billion years old. They have been dating for three months. Their whole package is hysterical. I can’t stand her already and my DVR is stuck on her and DICK WOOD rolling their suitcases up to the house. This house by the way is perfection. It’s got views for days in every direction.
When Jenna walks up to the group it’s like synchronized tent pitching. Even the kid that fucks Deena knows who she is and she could be his grandmother. Juan Pablo says he has seen Jenna videos from back in the day. DICK WOOD says that he recognized Treach because who doesn’t love OPP? Well DICK WOOD we all know that Jenna’s ex loved it, amirite?
LOL I knew I was going to love ED on this season and here is why. He is a total jackass but he does not give a flying fuck what production or anyone else says. So While Jenna and DICK WOOD finish their tour and Nikki is blushing about how she is half nekkid in the house, Cicely says you can see her nekkid just go on her website and ED says, “From when she was hot?” Exactly ED. Eggfugginzactly. ZING!
Jenna and DICK WOOD seem to be in the basement. I have never seen this before. Jenna is doing her best Taylor Armstrong, PEA GREEN TOWELS!!!! routine over the less than 5 star accommodation. Frozen’s “Let it Go” plays in the background as she complains. Well, no it doesn’t production couldn’t swing that, but it’s a song with the same name. Whatever.
Dr. Jenn wants to wait until Jenna is hungover before she deals with her so we get treated to Treach and Cicely who I already sort of wish were not on the show in a private counseling session. Oh Jesus. And um, OH!, Jesus! Cicely is wearing this black number with a huge gold lamé cross on it with addition gold piping in the er,,, underarm area? This woman must be a head doctor. I’m just saying. Lord have mercy. Cicely says she started dating Treach when he was dating his ex. The ex was pregnant. I am not interested in this relationship. They have kids and she wants to move to Ohio without him. They are acting like they are not together anyway. Why are they here? Oh I forgot. TV show. I imagine the deal was from Cicely, do this show with me or I am walking with the kids. To fucking OHIO.
On to the couples interaction… Nikki tries to explain to why everyone hates Juan Pablo. Nikki doesn’t understand why everyone hates Juan Pablo. The other women are not as smitten with Juan Pablo as Nikki is.
Dr. Jenn meets with the porn chick and DICK WOOD. I just want her to ask him what he does for a living and if DICK WOOD is the best pseudonym he could come up with. Jenna is obstinate. DICK WOOD is exasperated.
All Jenna does is bitch. Jenna’s toilet is having issues. AKA Fake Pea Green Towels scene all over again. Do they really have to use the same script as last year? Same set up. All the other houseguests are forced into the living room to “over hear” the drama. Dr. Jenn comes in “late at night” to comfort a trauma diva. Does the person cast as the raging diva get extra pay for the fake dramatics? This year it is gray walls and an overflowing toilet.
Perhaps the best line ever uttered on this show is “You’re saying that I’m being condescending? Do you even know what that means? Maybe you should go grab a dictionary!” ~ Jenna Jameson I need for this chick to be on twitter. She’s hilarious in her unintentional stupidity. Jenna continues to argue with DICK WOOD and show she has no idea what condescending means. Why is DICK WOODS still with this drunken washed up porn star if they are only three months in ?
Next Week: Holy Shit, Really Irwin Entertainment? You are going to give NIKKI the bad edit this season? Really? Oh that will not go over well. But we’ll be watching!!!