We start with Chyka and her husband Bruce on a romantic date at the beach. They go to a beautiful steak house overlooking the ocean. They are a really cute couple and seem really in love. Aw, Bruce rented out an entire amusement park for the two of them. It’s really a pretty little park. What a romantic date!
It’s Janet’s birthday. She has had her wedding rings melted down and made into a different ring. It still looks like an engagement ring, but it is really beautiful.
Jackie and Ben are working on a bottle cocktail line. Because, housewives. They had an artist paint a picture for the brand label. And then they totally obscured it with some painting technique with flowers dipped in paint. Jackie gave a hippy dippy narrative of what I jus witnessed. I’m not sure how this giant painting covered with randomly splashed paint and live flowers is going to become the brand label. I suppose they will photograph it?
Andrea and Jackie meeting Chyka and Janet for drinks. Andrea begins planting seeds with Jackie regarding Gina’s inappropriate behavior. Next Gina arrives. Is this Janet’s birthday party. Lydia went to her snow house and is missing the celebration. The cake looks amazing. It’s a real cake not the kind with all the fondant and froufrou crap. Andrea pulls Jackie aside and gossips about Gina again. I am not sure if Andrea is going to go in or if she is goading Jackie into doing it. Nope, it’s Andrea. She tells Gina she is too confrontational. Andrea says that she is bringing her court tactics into personal situations. Andrea telling Gina there is a time and a place for everything. Which is some advice she take herself. She is ruining Janet’s birthday party by attacking someone in the middle of a lovely get together.
The birthday girl and Gina retreat to the bathroom. Gina calls Lydia (to Janet) a cunt for telling all of her business to Jackie in the first place. Janet if the first one out of the bathroom. She’s irritated that the table conversation has not changed. When Gina comes out of the bathroom she shuts the conversation down. Well, at least the cake was delicious.
Janet has a limo waiting to take all the ladies to a night club called The Love Machine. It’s drag queen night so Gina should be quite comfortable. Janet’s first husband owns the club and her son runs it. Both of her husbands were night club owners. She did a bit of a stint as a party girl in her younger years. Janet points out how much in common Gina has with the drag queens. Ben was there and danced with Janet.
I am starting to really dislike Andrea. She is writing a book on parenting and having it all. Because, housewives. Andrea has a focus group with some working mothers to find out what they would want included in the book. Or that was the premise of the meeting. However, Andrea really just talked all about herself, and her checklists and how great she is. Andrea hands the women some of her checklists. They are pages and pages of outlining what needs to be done every second of the day in excruciating detail. The lists are for the nanny. Andrea herself does none of these things. Perhaps she greets her children should she accidentally cross pass with them if she is not too preoccupied.
The woman have yet been allowed to utter a word, yet their faces as they look at this OCD nanny guide are priceless. Ah, the first woman asks the question, “So this is for when you are not there, for the nannies?” Andreas says oh no the nannies do theses tasks where they are there or not. She says she requires the nannies to stay an extra hour after the kids are in bed to clean the kitchen. Andrea says this like it is some brilliant idea that makes her the best mum ever. One lady whispers to another, “I cook and clean.” The ladies begin to speak up and say that some of these things they might ask their housekeeper to do but the majority of them they do themselves. In the talking head Andrea says that is was clear that these women were just not organized. Actually, dear, they are organized. The work full-time and still manage to do all the things your nannies do. One lady says she doesn’t want her child raised by nannies. There is no point in having children if you are not going to be present in their lives. Andrea ends with ” The resounding message is, just read my book, see how I do it.”
Janet and Gina get together to chat about what happened at Janet’s birthday. It comes up that there was some sort of email sent by Gina to someone and Andrea was copied on the email. I have not idea what the email entailed. Janet says that Lydia is brainless and they don’t click. Why are these two bringing up an email without giving us the tea? It’s annoying.
Sigh. This feels like the Andrea episode. Jackie drops by Andrea’s to gossip. Andrea contends that Gina was talking to Janet about her book when they took to the bathroom at Janet’s party. They certainly didn’t air that. I got the vibe that Gina was more upset with Lydia than Andrea. Andrea called Gina and asked her if she was talking about her book. Gina said that she was talking about Lydia writing a book. Andrea doesn’t believe Gina because Lydia wasn’t even there. Well, no Andrea she was not. But she was the crux of Gina’s hurt feelings because Lydia was the one telling everyone Gina’s private business.
Andrea wants to have a tennis day at “her beautiful house on the peninsula” and she is going to invite Gina and hope for the best.
Lydia is back in town and shopping for art for her house. This is some of the most fucked up “art” I have ever seen. They can’t be serious. There are giant glitter animals with some sort of plain glitter matching canvas for the wall. The larger than life-sized brown glitter bear on its hind legs comes with a square canvas that is simply covered in the same brown glitter. It’s 75,000 (perhaps Australian dollars convert at pennies on the US dollar? The black panther lying on the floor covered in black glitter comes with a round canvas coated in black glitter for a mere 50,000. Lydia finds these prices to be “quite reasonable.” This has to be a joke. Lydia just said, “The artist named the panther after the Mona Lisa from the Louvre in London.” How do people this stupid have so much money? It boggles the mind. Lydia pretends like she is going to buy them both, but leaves with neither.
Gina goes shopping for a tennis outfit and a tennis shoe. She can’t bring herself to even try on a tennis shoe so she opts for just the tennis dress.
Janet takes Jackie to a huge charity event. Janet says it’s invitation only and “It’s a ladies lunch, so it is for ladies who lunch.” Yet the crowd is full of men and it’s actually a fashion show with lunch involved. Jackie found the whole thing a bit ridiculous. Afterward, Janet tells Jackie no one even mentioned Andre’s stupid book in the bathroom. In her talking head Janet says that she asked Gina what Lydia’s book is about and Gina replied, “Oh it’s a book about her vagina.” My question is why would Janet even mention a book to Andrea? Why would Janet even answer Andrea’s questions about her private conversation in a bathroom with Gina? Why?
Next week: It’s the tennis party. Gina is late and arrives in pink pumps. This doesn’t go over well with Andrea.
Last week my RHOMel post got exactly four comments. I’m getting the feeling you are not watching this show.