Heather is running through the plane while people are trying to sleep being a rude asshole on a commercial flight. I thought she was supposed to be the well-mannered one. I would have expected it from Tamra or Vicki, but come on Heather. Act like you have been on a plane before.
Oh there this the Vicki we have all forgotten about getting in the driver’s seat of the van to turn on the air conditioning and blowing the horn and Woo Hooing. I am starting to remember how painful it is to watch these stupid housewives, from any franchise travel internationally. I would so love it if Vicki was arrested. Or any of them. They all really need a few lessons in travel. This is why I sew Canadian flags on bags when I travel overseas. I an Canookian. I live in a hoose in Toronto., um y’all.
And five minutes out of the airport, the girls are whiney and insulting to the country. Don’t worry Tamra dear, you will only have to suffer through the native peons for a short while and soon you will be behind a gated wall and it will seem just like Orange County again. If there is a St. Regis in Bali, I am sure you will be there on your free international vacation in business class. Try to bear up a few more moments and just close your eyes to avoid seeing the world.
Wow, St. Regis this is not. This place is amazing!
I swear I am going to have to fast forward. Vicki and Tamra neither one know what a mousse is. That said, I am not sure the poor waiter does either because it’s on a stick. My guess is it’s a chicken ballotine stuffed with prawn mousse. Heavy sigh. Whatever it was they refuse to eat it. My blood pressure is seriously shooting through the roof. If you want to torture me until I kill stuff, make me watch a loop of American idiots vacationing in foreign countries looking for the McDonald’s. I’m literally doing my deep breathing techniques and we aren’t even to the main course. All I can think of is I hope gratuity is included.
Shannon is disappointed that the kayak does not come with a drink holder. My god that pool is to die for, and I am not even a pool person. I want Lizzie’s sun glasses. Vicki and Shannon seemed to actually enjoy the kayak right despite themselves.
I don’t blame Vicki for not wanting to sit in the back of the van. I would have had to sit in the front next to the driver. Usually this is not a problem if you ask. I’ve been picked up before in Curacao with like 15 people in a 9 passenger van. On my return trip to the airport I was having a major freak out in my room about the ride to the airport. A town car magically appeared to take me. I thought one of my Internet friends who knew about my anxiety had arranged it but he denied it. I may have just taken someone else’s ride or the travel gods intervened, but it was one of the best things that has ever happened in my life. I felt bad that Vicki got sick, but didn’t need to watch it happen. #FastForward
You know what you should do when you are in Bali on a beautiful day riding an elephant through lush jungle? I would think you would enjoy the experience in a peaceful zen way, but I would be wrong. First, a member of your party should shriek loudly and repeatedly and perhaps scream woo hoo! to insure no interesting animals come around, then you should gossip with your elephant mate about the other people in your party and events from two weeks ago. If you see a male elephant shriek loudly about his penis for a good five minutes. Finally, complain about the lack of cocktails on the elephant ride.
Finally at cocktails by the pool the ladies acknowledge the beautiful environment. I suppose production had to prompt them and remind them they are being comped by the resort. I had to go look up the rates and I can’t believe how inexpensive they are. Maybe because it is August, but you can get a room for $225 a night! And their rooms are not even the nicest ones. I think Theirs is about $550 and other suites with large balconies don’t go about $800 a night. Maybe it is worth the flight. I could not find a fleabag hovel for my NYC trip for less than $300. The resort is called The Mulia. When are we going?
Vicki’s tastefully pulled back hair and age appropriate dress looks so lovely. Oh no, just as I was typing that. Tamra started talking about butts and Vicki got pulled into it and threw out the dumb and dumber comment. That Pam girl is offended. Finally, she speaks. Lizzie says she did the same thing when she started hysterically screaming outside the limo on her birthday when she found out no one else was coming. She did the same dumb and dumber line. Vicki is shocked that she knows. She says she didn’t say it to her face. In her talking head she said she was not hysterically screaming. Here we go…
They rehash #BirthdayGate and I start working on photos for this blog. Oh wait, Tamra has to whip out her cell phone again to show that she texted Lizzie at her party about her vagina. Well of course she did. Vicki just stood up. Her dress that I called age appropriate is really too short and too small. She has a donut. Fat girls, you know what I mean.
OMG. They just showed a flashback to the limo with Lizzie being super drunk and sobbing about her birthday sucking. She says next year she will be 35 and if her husband doesn’t give her a better birthday she will probably leave him. But that’s not all. She said, “Christian, why don’t you get a boner once a week, fuck you!” I’m not even judging Lizzie. I think pretty much everyone in a relationship has had a few too many and had a drunken argument which would be super cringe worthy if it was just played back for them PRIVATELY but this one, on national TV must be killing her. I just don’t know what to say. I just want to give Lizzie a hug.
And on this night in Bali, Lizzie has had few drinks again, and it’s super hot outside. And Lizzie tells Shannon, who by the way looks stunning and is sober, everything Tamra has ever said about her. Shannon is pissed that Tamra told even more people than Heather about the email. Lizzie goes on about the green Martians and impersonations about her.
Meanwhile Vicki, Heather and Tamra head to their rooms. Tamra tries to deny saying that Lizzie had an ugly dress that showed her vagina. Heather calls her on it and goes to her room. Tamra wants to go with Vicki to her room. My screen is paused on Tamra in a hideous black and white thing that shows she ain’t been to Cut Fitness abs classes lately that one might wear over a bathing suit on a Saturday at Lake Lanier if you were poor and only shopped at Ross or Nene Leakes HSN collection. Vicki is in a Sunday church dress that probably looked lovely five hours ago when filming began but now looks a wrinkled mess now. And the subject is what Lizzie wore to her birthday dinner.
There is some confusion about an unaired version of Marry, Shag, Kill that happened at Heather’s birthday party. Apparently, the choices were the non spouses of the opposite sex. Tamra was pissed according to Lizzie that she and Eddie both chose each other to marry. In Tamra’s version he chose Lizzie to shag. Whatever, these sexy time pajama party scenes NEVER go well yet production keeps recycling them across franchises. Lizzie said to Tamra, “You’re just mad because your husband want to fuck me.” Lizzie says she said marry. Shannon is now team Lizzie.
Next Week: More drama. It looks like they get fish pedicures. I want one of those so bad! They feed the monkey who get all over therm. I do not want to do that! And Vicki cries for the millionth time because she thought Tamra was her friend. AND WE GET THE TAMRA RUNNING AWAY SCENE FINALLY!