Vicki and Tamra go for a walk so that Tamra can bitch about Ryan getting married. Tamra is right though, everything that happens to Vicki happens to her, divorce, kid with a health scare, wedding, and soon baby. Tamra and Vicki talk about Shannon. Vicki tries to explain to Tamra that she needs to apologize. Vicki wants Heather to apologize too. Fat chance.
Lizzie is having a birthday party. She’s turning 34 and has life all figured out. Must be nice. Heather is going to Vegas, so it is safe for Shannon to come. Heather wants to have a Valentine’s Day party. Vicki and Shannon have already declined. Is that some sort of Quiet Riot tribute on the wall with all the records and the guitar? How does Shannon allow that?
At Lizzie’s birthday no one is showing up. Lizzie’s boobs are oddly smashed into her dress. Shannon’s sick. Tamra’s kid is sick. Heather is in Vegas. That leaves Vicki and that one brunette girl, Pam or whatever. It seems I am not the only one who did not believe Tamra’s excuse. Lizzie and Vicki talk in the limo and it becomes obvious to Lizzie that Tamra is a shit stirring liar. She’s starting to pick up on the lay of the land. I feel sorry for Lizzie sitting at a restaurant table for 12 with just her husband and Vicki and Brooks. What a sad birthday.
The evil step sisters Heather and Tamra plan a trip to Bali. Vicki is their first call. Vicki is in charge of making the girls aware that Bravo has made this trip as an all in, housewives brawl in foreign lands trip. Christ Bali is far. I guess it is five hours closer if you live on the west coast? Nope, it’s a 15 hour flight from ATL and 19.5 from LAX. UGH. This is a miserable trip with miserable travel companions. I can’t imagine the hell this will be.
Oh no, apparently, Vicki called Lizzie and Pam, dumb and dumber before getting on the party bus and Lizzie heard her. Jesus. Just when we thought Vicki was behaving. Lizzie is going to try to let the dumb and dumber comment go.
Shannon is neurotically packing up her kid and hubby for the school trip to Rome. She has neck pillows, compression socks, sleep masks, thirty homeopathic medications, chewing gum, Sophia just wants to pack some clothes.
Heather’s Valentine’s party at the St. Regis (the number one promotional consideration for Bravo) is very elegant. Shannon was not invited. Lizzie tells Tamra that Vicki said she did not want to come to her birthday party. For once, I agree with Heather. It was a dumb move over all, but especially at a dinner party just before everyone was seated. Perhaps this is a deliberate payback for Heather?
So far, I have had time to check various flight times to Bali, and pluck chin hairs, and I am still caught up on the show and watching commercials.
Oh they are finally seated. Terry teaches the guests how to pop rose petals. Eddie has flowers delivered to the event for Tamra for their first Valentine’s as a married couple. Gay husbands send the best floral arrangements. Terry wants to know what they are going to do if “Shannon breaks.” Breaks what, Terry? Your face? Are you serious implying as a doctor that you think Shannon is going to have a psychotic break you pathetic wannabe housewife? You make Peter Thomas look camera-shy. Lizzie, who was doing so well, says Shannon will break, but that she doesn’t want her too. Oh, she explains. She says that when Shannon is in Bali, which is a spiritual place, she will like have a break through and get more in touch with her feelings and stop being so pent up and explosive. Or something. She made it sound like a good thing.
Heather, who is well-known for her really stupid ice breaker games has outdown herself. Tamra asks Pam, or whoever, if she does anal. Hell, Tamra, Pam’s picture is in the wall paper catalog. Eddie says Tamra does do anal when she is drunk which is all the time. I’m sure it’s Eddie’s favorite position. Lots of anal sex talk ensues. Charming.
And then Heather and Tamra meet Vicki and Shannon at a bar called STARFISH. Kidding not. The goal for the wicked step sisters is a ceasefire to allow Shannon to mop up the bodies of dead children and their mothers before bombing her hospitals and mosques. Wait, wrong tragedy, but really, it’s a very small-scale version of any one-sided global attack on the under armed opponent. Heather starts talking about cycles and reincarnation and salvation. She is making no sense but she is sort of speaking Shannon’s language. So this could work. Shannon has never been on a girls’ trip. She agrees to go. Hallelujah. I can’t wait for the girls to find out how Shannon packs for a trip.
Next Week: They are in Bali. It looks amazing. And I don’t just mean the ginormous elephant dick.