So, before we even get started, let’s talk about my favorite subject, me. I was having a perfectly innocent conversation with everyone’s favorite commenter @TeeCee66 this afternoon which went something like this. TeeCee: So, don’t you think it is super sneaky that Bravo packages Kandi’s wedding as a RHOA episode? Me: Yeah and the funny part is by them doing that she has the highest wedding ratings which must piss off Nene and Kim. And then some fool who is on RHOA came barging into our conversation and called me a hater. Guess who? A Nene Stan? A Kim Stan? Nope. It was Don Juan. Apparently despite me blogging that I like Kandi’s spinoff and find it to be the least scripted bridal show and encouraging everyone (even TeeCee, who refuses) to watch, I am somehow hating on Kandi. And this is not the first time Don Juan has come at me for no reason. But the show is starting and I need to get to recapping. Click the link to TeeCee’s twitter to see how it all went down. Spoiler: She gets blocked well before calling everyone “shit people.” lol. Oh and follow TeeCee. You don’t have to like her to follow her, her tweets can be very funny. Plus, Don Juan was mean to her about not having enough followers.
On tonight’s episode we start with Johnnie being extremely resourceful and Carmon being MIA. While it is great that Johnnie has worked out a calendar, which in my opinion he did to get Kandi up off her fat ass, it is utterly ridiculous that he is bringing in sparkly crap for shitty centerpieces when KANDI can’t seem to even tell anyone where she wants to get married. Don’t act like she doesn’t know where she wants to get married. This is now a bunch of foolishness. Oh and under Johnnie’s name is not “third pretend assistant in charge” but “wedding planner.” Johnnie is now David Tutera. Kandi is supporting Todd’s tongue lashing from last week. You remember last week when Todd said he did not want any part of planning the wedding? Well look who is sitting in on every fucking meeting. Also, Kandi suddenly remembers what venue she wants. Kandi does not know the difference between a male lion and a female lion.
I am not sure what the fuck Kandi is thinking. She is auditioning dancers for her wedding. Because weddings need emulate a comedy movie that borders on Blaxploitation. With animals and nekkid penis dances. And twerking. Even Don Juan acknowledges this is ridick, Queens don’t normally want loose dick from other men at their wedding, Kandi.
Kandi cries in a scene where she asks her father to officiate the wedding ceremony. He says yes. Kandi’s daddy is sort of fly for an old guy. He says she doesn’t really know the whole story and he tells his side. Kandi doesn’t believe it. Because Mama Joyce has brainwashed Kandi. #ParentalAlienation
So everyone heads over to the strip mall where Le Fais Do Do is to look at the event venue. I was going to link you but it seems the website is overloaded with requests and we broke the server. This is why Bravo weddings are always free. I am starting to understand Don Juan’s behavior today. He seems to think he is the start of the show because he is highly featured. While DonJuan’s talking head outfit is horrendous, I really like his sweater that he wore to the venue.
Kandi is talking to Johnnie about the food. She wants sliders. Which is fine. But she doesn’t know what they are called.
Kandi decides to run to Todd and tell him that her mother called his mother a whore and his father a pimp.
PAUSE. LOL Someone in a black Range Rover (??) is filming my house again. Shouldn’t she be watching the show? She may even have an appearance on it! It’s a slow roll by with a camera out. Look for my ghetto shack on Vine y’all. I guess I should have opened the door to the yard guy earlier today. I didn’t know we were going to be on TeeVee. 🙂
Todd is upset of course. His father died when he was three. Kandi doesn’t even want to tell Todd what she said about his mother. In her “blog” Kandi said her mother was VERY hurt by her mother’s comments. Todd wants to postpone the wedding. He is not happy. Todd says he is warning her and Kandi takes offense. It’s interesting she can defend her mother but not Todd.
What is weird about this show is that usually the person with the spinoff garners fans…. the only time that happened was with Kim. Nene looked like a fool. Tamra looked like a fool. And now Kandi is starting to look like the fool. I really thought Kandi would come off more likeable than she has so far.
Finally, we get to the star of this show, Mama Joyce. Sure she is a ginormous cunt satchel, but she is the reason we all tune in. It’s like NASCAR, we are waiting for the ghetto behavior and Mama Joyce brings it. Mama Joyce is dress shopping on Kandi’s dime and bitching all the way. Mama Joyce’s gray dress with the sequence is BEAUTIFUL.
Meanwhile, Todd, is coming out smelling like a rose and being fitted for a custom suit. This is another example of Kandi and Todd both being financially smart. A custom suit can be worn to all the future weddings and funerals. Unless Kandi decides to make it some ridiculous Coming to America bullshit. Todd meets with Kandi’s father while he is there to get some advice on how to deal with Mama Joyce. Sidenote: when I was typing ‘with’ my ‘h’ didn’t mash and spell correct did not come on but I noticed And I thought to myself, “Hmmmm I wonder if that is why Nene keeps typing wit for with… maybe she thinks it is an alternate spelling.
Why are they subtitling Kandi’s daddy? He speaks more clearly than anyone on the show. Oh now they are subtitling Mama Joyce a bit. Maybe it was to make Mama Joyce not seem so ignorant. If that is so, it’s not working. Mama Joyce is trashing Kandi’s daddy. Mama Joyce is swearing on her dead son. SMH.
Meanwhile, Todd is speaking with Kandi’s pastor father and shares that he knew she was the woman for him when after they had sex, she asked him to get on his knees and pray with her. Um. um, okay. Moving on… Todd asks for his blessing. He calls Todd his new son. I think Todd will like that relationship.
Kandi is talking to the dude who wants publicity for singing at her wedding. He says yes. Duh.
Oh look, it’s the BIGGEST felon of RHOA, Apollo. He is working Todd out in his Nida Fitness “Body by Felons” T-shirt. They talk pre-nups. Apollo says he just took his wife’s word for his and signed the part where it said we will keep all finances separate because you are a felon who continues to do felonious things and I want not to be implicated. I mean, I paraphrase but that was essentially the conversation. Todd is smarter than Apollo and he doesn’t want to rush in without counsel. Kandi seems to be holding the pre-nup until the last minute. Apollo is a horrible actor.
For some reason, Kandi and Todd meet with Mama Joyce. Kandi explains that the parents are supposed to pay for the wedding. Kandi asks her Mama to give her away. Mama Joyce is acting like she doesn’t want to give her away. Todd confronts Mama Joyce about the pimp thing pointing out he was three when his father died. Kandi’s talking heads are about Todd letting things go. REALLY KANDI? I can’t with you. Mama Joyce insists that Todd’s dad is a pimp. This is disgusting. I’m starting to agree with TeeCee about this show. Mama Joyce is now trying to say Todd’s mom was a street walker. This is crap.
The storyline is that Todd doesn’t want to go with the wedding. REAL TEA is that he should not. I don’t care if this is all made up for TV. Your mama is a whore and your daddy was a pimp, is reason enough for divorce right there. Storyline or not. Kandi is one of the FEW housewives who does not need the money. And apparently the two of them taking it with the agreement that Todd’s parents were shamed on national TV is disgusting.
I may be out.