The Vanderpump Rules Reunion picks up right back where we left off, with everyone hating Kristen. These people are way over invested in Kristen’s relationship with Tom. Scheana says she is finished with Stassi because she is a horrible friend. Kristen misses the camera and returns to the scene to demand that Tom stop holding hands with Ariana. She is refusing to look at that! Make them stop! Oh God. I’m only two minutes in and am over this show. Yet, I will struggle on. Andy asks Tom if he regrets staying in the relationship for so long. He says he just hoped she would change. Tom says that he thinks Kristen has Borderline Personality Disorder. He wants her to get help. Kristen says she is happy, happy, happy with her new relationship. Scheana is crying. Why? There are a whole lot of people crying while saying they are happy. Andy asked Jax about his jail experience. He seems to be telling a different story than he did on the show. More stories about trading food with inmates for things as if he was there for days and had an account set up where he could by ding dongs in massive quantities to trade for phone time and toilet paper. Andy asks about Jax thinking Joyce was Latoya Jackson. He says Jax may need glasses with an actual prescription.
This is the worst reunion I have ever seen on TV and I think I saw a Rock of Love reunion once.
Andy moves on to his personal favorite Tom. Andy loves Tom. He asks him to do an imitation of Scheana’s dance moves and he does. Andy is literally have him dance for his pleasure.
Andy talks about Scheana’s engagement. By the way, Scheana’s wedding will be the finale next season. You heard it here first. Andy brings up Brandi making fun of her gray tooth. Lisa says that Scheana needs to remember that to Brandi she will always be the mistress. Scheana points out that it has been ALMOST EIGHT YEARS. Lisa defends Brandi.
Andy says it is time to talk about the elephant in the room, Kristen and Jax hooking up. I was pretty sure we had been talking about this nonstop since the last episode. Stassi tries to pretend that she knew that Kristen was one step ahead of her in regard to texting Jax while pretending to be Kristen. She’s full of it. Tom whines about Kristen sleeping with Jax twice. This is really pathetic television. I don’t know whether it would be worse if they are all acting or if they are serious. It’s just all nonsense.
Stassi and Tom rail on Kristen while Jax just sits there. Oh finally Tom goes in on Jax. Lisa tells Jax he has no remorse. Ariana agrees. Ariana speaking causes Kristen to scream at her to shut up! Lisa tells Kristen to stop it. She says Ariana is a part of this group and has every right to be here.
Lady Gaga tweeted asking why Lisa doesn’t fire Kristen. Lisa says she puts up with it because they are like family and she doesn’t want to kick her while she is in such a downward spiral.
Tom goes in on Jax and Stassi. Tom points out how sick Stassi is for getting pleasure out of hurting people. Stassi can’t take anyone attacking her. She starts crying and playing the victim card and snivels her twatty little self off the stage. Lisa goes after her. Oh Lisa, this show is making you look so bad.
Scheana needs a nose job. Not for cosmetic reasons, but to fix her nasally voice.
Stassi rushes back on the stage to cry and draw attention to herself. It’s all about Stassi. She goes in on Kristen again. Why don’t they just nail Kristen to a cross and watch her bleed to death why doing tequila shots and laughing? It would be less cruel.
They try to insult Jax but he gives no reaction, so they go back to insulting Kristen who has been crying the entire show. Tom says it is hard for him to trust now. Lisa says Tom is a great guy who looks for the best in everyone. Andy hears that positive moment and turns the conversation back to the crucifixion of Kristen. It’s just unrelenting. Andy points out that Kristen lied on her family. He asks her if she is a pathological liar. She says no, she is just an asshole. Andy says, “Alright, that’s fair.”
OMG. There is going to be another episode of unseen moments. Kill.me.now.
Oh look! It’s the beach scene again. How many times are they going to run that clip? This most definitely did not need to be a two part reunion. It could have been done in half an hour. They just keep saying the same thing over and over. Andy asks why Kristen slept with Jax? Who initiated the sex? Kristen says Jax. Jax says that he thinks they both initiated it. Andy and Lisa are trying to get Jax to show remorse. He has none. He just has his confused face on. They are trying to get him to apologize. They want him to say that he feels bad. Kristen says he is just as big of a piece of shit as Kristen. Jax has no feeling about any of this. After the reunion he watched the episode of Tom and Jax on the beach and seemed to have the tiniest kernel of remorse when he later filmed WWHL.
The reunion ends with Jax realizing he is a sociopath who lacks the ability to feel anything for anyone but himself. Not really. It sort of does. Andy asks him on last time about his lack of remorse. Jax says, “This is all terrible. I was thinking about it and if I dig deep I do have a heart. For what it’s worth I am sorry. And I hope one day we can shake hands again and be, like okay.” Tom says he doesn’t care about anyone but himself. Everyone tells him he only thinks about himself. Jax says he is getting therapy to find out what is wrong with him and why he doesn’t feel things.
Stassi says that the reunion has reminded her of why she can’t work at SUR or be around these people. She is trying to get a spinoff in NYC. If that doesn’t work out, we will see her skinny ass right back at SUR for season 3.