Well Lo and Behold! It’s a thirty minute sneak peek of the Real Housewives of New York City! Let’s see what the upcoming season looks like! Oh no she didn’t! Aviva‘s tagline is, “When people tell me I’m fake, I know they’re just pulling my leg.” I die! By the way, if you are new here, nice to meet you, I am Aviva’s only fan. Try to be kind to her. Fine, I said try. I get it. I will like her all by myself. Speaking of taglines, Carole‘s is, “If you are going to talk about me behind my back, at least check out my great ass!” Heather‘s is, “A true New Yorker never backs down, and I’m no exception. Holla!” OMFG. I hate the new girl, Kristen, already because she is friends with Brandi. But her tagline cemented my hatred for her even more, “I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I’m pretty!” I already think she is just a tool, and the other girls are prettier than she is. Ramona‘s tagline is, “Get the Pinot ready, because it’s Turtle Time!” And finally, Sonja‘s tagline, “Sometimes Sonja has to go commando. What can I say?” Um, my Lord Sonja’s tagline is bad. Did everyone else’s mind go to yeast infection? No? Um, me neither.
Apparently, Andy is going to narrate the sneak peek with the vital information we need to know. He starts with Sonja, “For Sonja, last season was a scintillating roller coaster ride of sex and struggle. Somehow Sonja always lands on her feet. Here’s a taste of what to expect from Sonja.” Then we get scenes of Sonja with a new haircut (according to her, looks like the same haircut to me but what do I know?) and a string of new boyfriends most under the age of 30. Apparently, Kenya’s House of Boyfriends For Hire has opened a branch in Manhattan. Some of them are hot, and if she’s tapping that, then good for her! Sonja says this “This chassey still has some fire!” Does she mean chassis or am I learning a new word?
But of course, Sonja is just playing with the young boys, she is on the prowl for another nice elderly rich man, preferably one with a foot in the grave. Someone who appears qualified to play that role, either for TV or seriously, appears in a clip asking to take things to another level and presenting her with a big ole ring! Sonja is going to lose her house because she didn’t do what she needed to in order to save it. She seems to be trying to do too many things at once (while drinking). In a business conversation with a man, Sonja rattles off her lists of projects. His suggestion? Finish one of them. #ToasterOven. She meets with yet another man and talks about “the Saudi family” and “the Nigerian Football Team.” The guy laughs in her face and tells her she is bananas, because, um, that’s the understatement of the year. Ramona tries to tell her she needs to start looking for an apartment. Sonja says, “You have to think positively! I’m going to go light my abundance candle.” Where can I get an abundance candle, y’all? I’m going to change my donation button to from Happy Pill Fund to Abundance Candle Fund. What? I’m just saying, if it works for Sonja…
On to Ramona. Oh poor Ramona. She is even farther out in left field than Sonja. Andy plays a montage of Ramona and Sonja wading thigh high in the lady pond last season and says, “Will Frick and Frack stay together this season? Or is this honeymoon over?” In one of he scenes Sonja is telling off Ramona saying you don’t have a lawsuit, you don’t have a divorce, you wouldn’t last a day in my life. Well Sonja, I suppose we will see as Ramona and Mario are Spiltsville. Plus, Ramona gets attacked by a lion or something while on Safari in Africa during filming this season. So Ramoner’s life ain’t exactly been no crystal stair either, girl. Speaking of Mario he seems to have been on camera quite a bit and the tension in the air is very obvious now that we know what was going on. Mario and Ramona taking Avery off to college is….AWKWARD.
Heather tells Mario that she is taking all the girls away for the weekend to the Berkshires, and he screams. “Thank You! Thank You! I love you!
Now I can go to the Hamptons and smash my side piece who is half my age! I’m gonna need more Viagra!” and practically shoves his tongue down her throat with glee. Ramona has something against the Berkshires and proceeds to have a major meltdown on the trip claiming it brings back bad childhood memories of making mud pies. WTF is wrong with making mud pies, Ramoner? Also, the Countess makes and appearance to have an intervention with the girls where they confront Ramona about her master manipulation! Heather does the talking and apparently Ramona ruined her Berkshires trip by not being truthful about something. Ramona flips out and has another meltdown. Clearly, watching now, Ramona was having a hard time keeping her shit together during filming. She was trying to wait until filming was over to file for divorce and apparently that took a huge toll on her. The gossip was everywhere so surely the ladies knew what was really going on and the fact that the countess literally has her pinned in the booth is rather unconscionable.
Now for Carole. Andy says, “Last season, we met Princess Carole, and some of her witty behind the scenes comments were not universally appreciated. But this season, Carole is writing a whole new chapter.” Carole is doing a major renovation on her apartment. She wants to turn the kitchen into her office. Carole and Russ broke up and it seems the terms were not amicable. Wait! Hold the phone! Yolanda and Brandi are on Real Housewives of New York having an on camera dinner with Carole and Kristen? I think the only other time we may have seen this was when Nene crashed one of Kyle’s holiday parties. I am not even sure that was on the air. This a bit weird and unsettling. Anyway, Carole wants to get laid. Don’t we all, honey, don’t.we.all.
Tensions run very high between Carole and Aviva. Apparently, Aviva told the ladies that she thinks Carole uses a ghostwriter. Carole thinks Aviva is a spoiled rich girl who wants all the recognition without any of the work. She calls Aviva a liar in many scenes. This season, it seem no one is nice to Aviva and everyone gangs up on her! What a bunch of mean girls. At some point at a social event we see Aviva’s leg on the floor with Aviva not in the shot and horrified expression on the Countess’s face! No Bueno, y’all!
On to Kristen who is introduced before we talk about Aviva or Heather. Really, Andrew? Really? Andy says, “This season we meet new, knockout housewife, Kristen.” I’m sorry she no more a knockout than the rest of them in my opinion. What do y’all think? She is married to Josh and has two kids. When you see Josh, your first thought will be, “Let me guess, he’s rich.” You know what I mean, don’t make me be rude, I’m feeling gentile today. He was late to dinner so he arrived with a huge pair of diamond earrings. That explains so much. Yet, they are in therapy. She doesn’t seem to know her role in the relationship (look good, have babies, have dinner on the table when he gets home) nor does she understand that he can’t be out making enough money to drop 10K for being late to dinner and be home with her all the time helping to wipe up baby barf.
She’s used to model. Didn’t we all? And now that she has aged out she is desperate for any kind of work in front of a camera. Enter RHONY and of course the requisite work out video. She also does something with “greeting card boxes” that didn’t merit a mention. She quickly makes friends with Carole and Heather and the three of them look down their noses at Ramonja to a certain degree and at Aviva with copious amount of scorn.
Of Heather, Andy says, “Last season felt misunderstood. But this year we learn that Heather only keeps it real.” Can we please retire the phrase, “keeping it real?” Thank you. Based on the footage, “keeping it real” means being a giant cunt satchel to Aviva all season.
Meanwhile, her son Jack is suffering from hearing loss. I don’t recall what is wrong with Jack but apparently if affects his liver and lungs. What’s a family to do when such tragedy strikes? If you guessed invite the reality TV crew to his doctors appointments, please give yourself Ten Tamara Tattles Tokens. And if you are a cast mate on the show, how should you respond to a co-worker with a child suffering from serious health issues? If you said, point out all of her faults and tell her she is a bossy, controlling and insufferable, you have twice as many Tamara Tattles Tokens as you did when we started.
Andy comments on Aviva, “Last season newcomer Aviva was a lightning rod for friction
from the bitches. And this year we learn whether or not she’s changed her ways.” From what I am seeing I don’t think she is going to melt any of your cold, black hearts this season either. She has an illness (again) and the Kristen and probably Carole and Heather refuse to acknowledge it. Also, (I know y’all will hate this scene and say it is all for sympathy, but my God can we have some sympathy for the women, she lost her leg! ) she goes back to the place where she lost her leg. There was no mention of her charity work or her extensive volunteer work with all the people who lost legs at the Boston Marathon explosion.
Oh hell noe! I can’t even defend this. Creepy Daddy George is back with a tattooed, black girlfriend half his age. There is discussion of him fathering children and getting his scrotum waxed at the dinner table, followed by George proposing to his ball waxer. Also, at a formal social event, George calls Ramona a bitch and says, “You know what happens to bitches? They get fucked by dogs!” You can’t make this shit up. Or, well, maybe you can. Did you know if you go to the IMDb for Real Housewives they list three or four writers? I want that job. I regret being happy they let Aviva come back now. (My understanding was, she was out, two new housewives were brought in, one didn’t work out and Aviva got a reprieve. I also heard she rented a super expensive downtown apartment during filming to sweeten the deal for Bravo with a convenient shooting location. #tea)
The writers this season seem to find it humorous to continuously put the ladies out into the great outdoors. There is canoeing, fresh water fishing, fly fishing, skeet shooting, rappelling, ax tossing, some sort of painful looking race/obstacle course for Carole (or was it Heather?), bicycling with squirrel attacks (Ramona again), outdoor yoga classes and a plethora of Porta-potties. It seems they made full use of their first summer filming season. Plus, they venture out a lot, not just to the Berkshires , but to Saratoga for the horse races and to Missoula for a relaxing dude ranch experience replete with rodeo.
Despite the writers full on press to butch the girls up this season, the girls do manage to find an occasion to don their usual little black frocks. The occasion? A dog funeral. I don’t see any sign of Phaedra as the officiant but it would not surprise me at this point. Also, it looks like it could be Sonja’s dog. Did she keep him in the freezer from last season until filming or did she kill a new one?
It appears Sonja’s ex, Harry, and Luann got back together for some “long time no see” sex! While they are in a rowboat of sorts, Ramona throw something at Kristen in the water and her face/mouth bleeds. Oh no! Not her face! She is such a knockout! #eyeroll There is a ton of Aviva hate in the final montage and it seems Luann takes the side of the majority.
Well, it looks like quite the ride. I’m looking forward to it! Are you?
The Real Housewives of New York Premieres Tuesday, March 11 at 9 on Bravo.