Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Carlton Continues to Look For Tits on an Ant

rhobhseason4

Lisa and Kyle are meeting with Kevin Lee the crazy party planner to plan a birthday dinner for Ken and Mauricio. Kyle wants it black tie chic to be the antithesis of Carlton’s nasty pool orgy. Yolanda will be at David’s daughter’s wedding. Kyle says to invite Carlton because they are on good terms.  Oh Kyle. It’s Carlton, the Eternally Offended Witch. You will never be on good terms.

Joyce invites Carlton to lunch. Carlton makes fun of Joyce for not knowing the word flippancy,  I know plenty of native English speakers who could not define that word. I think because Joyce speaks English flawlessly, without even a hint of accent, makes people assume it is her first language and judge her intelligence on her English vocabulary. Joyce says that she respects everyone’s religion. She would like to let Joyce know that she does not want her to threaten anymore spells on her. She explains that when she went home from Yolanda’s party, her husband became very ill quite out of the blue. Carlton does not do black magic anymore because her kids were born.  Carlton is offended. Carlton threatened her with spells just the last time they were together and now she is offended that Joyce’s storyline is to believe her.

Yo is packing up Gigi to send her to NYC. Kim is getting matching tattoos with Kimberly to prepare for her leaving the nest. Kim says that in the afterlife she is going to be a butterfly and when he kids see a butterfly that will be her. Um, that freaks me out because my mother never said that to me, and then shortly after she died I had an encounter with a butterfly and I just knew it was her. I saw them A LOT shortly after she died and my sisters had the same experience. I still see her from time to time but not as often. Kinda freaky. The tattoos are on their inner wrists and were painful.

RHOBH Kyle are you fucking kidding meKyle is not on the same page with Kevin Lee and Lisa regarding the dinner. Kevin Lee decides the entertainment should be “water dancers” which is essentially what Carlton had at her party minus the poles and with more clothing. Ken looks MUCH better than the last time we saw him. I think he might have been ill when the girls were there dropping off dresses. He’s really quite a cutey tonight.  The fancy pants food looks amazing too!  The dining table my break from the weight of all the roses. Seriously, that’s a couple grand worth of flowers on the table.

Oh look, Scheana and Stassi are there as servers. The compliment Lisa’s dress and for the second time in this scene Lisa announces it is Dolce &  Gabbana. #FreeDress  I don’t like the dress. Peter and Jax are bartending. Brandi and Lisa are getting along. Perhaps this is filmed out of order? Joyce may not make it do to a prior engagement. This is Joyce’s first time missing anything. I wonder if she will get a ration of shit over it.  Brandi is complaining that Peter made her drink too strong. Really? No one is buying that. Lisa encourages Brandi to say something to Scheana about her getting married. Why should she? A) She is the help and (B) she fucked her husband.  The  only reasonable thing to say is “Congrats, I hope he doesn’t fuck the help during your marriage. ”  I don’t know what Lisa is thinking.

Everyone is having fun, so Carlton starts staring Kyle down. Pandora brings out a picture of Giggy for Ken’s birthday present. Much joking goes on about it being another nipple shot of Lisa. Lisa says, “a third of a nipple.” Kyle says to Lisa who is sitting next to sourpuss Carlton, “Explain to her that the 3/4 of a  nipple joke came from you!” Carlton is offended because Kyle said, “her.”  Carlton’s husband jumps in to be offended as well. Carlton is also offended that Kyle said her bathroom was gross at her party.  Flashback to Kyle walking into the bathroom with someone only to determine that the last person in the bathroom left an unpleasant aroma.  I don’t think is conversation is appropriate at any time, but it is certainly not conversation one has at a black tie dinner party. Carlton is ruining the party. Kyle is trying to talk, Carlton keeps taking over her, Kyle says “let me talk” and Carlton says, “No, and don’t you dare command me!” and at that point Lisa should have had Carlton and her husband escorted from the party. Carlton is beyond rude. Apparently, Carlton is offended that Kyle made a comment about three quarters of a nipple when she first met her. Carlton is insane. She had an ORGY at her house but Kyle can’t make a joke?  This is ridiculous.

Kyle says if you don’t want to be judged as a witch, don’t act like a witch. Finally, Carlton and her husband leave. Lisa goes after them. Why? She should have thrown them out. Don’t slow them down on their way out the door. Brandi agrees that Carlton was wrong.

Next week: Kyle is uninvited to Carlton’s party. Carlton compares Kyle calling her anti-Semitic to Apartheid.  Brandi turns on Lisa. (not like that, you perv!)

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Filed under Brandi Glanville, Bravo, Carlton Gebbia, David Foster, Joyce Giraud, Joyce Giraud de Ohoven, Ken Todd, Kim Richards, Kyle Richards, Lisa Vanderpump, Mauricio Umansky, Mohamed Hadid, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, RHOBH, Yolanda Foster

64 responses to “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Carlton Continues to Look For Tits on an Ant

  1. Joan

    Carleton was way off base. I’m not a fan of Kyle’s, but Carlton was way wrong.

  2. traci

    Great recap! I’m just about sick of Carlton!

  3. jarlath

    Joyce does have an accent

  4. myinfo

    Carlton and her husband are insane.

    • vivaladiva831

      Totally agree! He could be nice enough, probably a big nerd growing up and thought Carlton was a pretty hot thing at the time.

  5. brillke

    I would have kicked Carlton out on her boney ass the minute she started her shit. I love the idea of Carlton being embarrassed by her behavior as she watches the show each week but that stupid bitch probay thinks she’s coming off as a bad-ass.

    Seriously, Carlton has ruined this season on RHOBH. I didn’t think I could like anyone less than Kenya but I was wrong. I actually find her gross and she makes my skin crawl.

    • diamondgigi

      I couldn’t agree with you more on Carlton. I dislike her with a passion. She has single handly taken HWoBH down to a new low. The witch crap is a bit much and her always coming for Kyle is just stupid. She makes up crap to to be relevant. That petri dish pool party she had was just god awful. Yet she talks about how offended she was about Kyle talking about a nipple joke. REALLY carlton Really! She is too dark in her personality to be on reality tv. It’s because of her that I don’t watch HWoBH with the passion I used to. I used to say BRAVO needed to get rid of Kim, Kyle & Brandi. I’m now saying BRAVO here the fans plea. GET RID OF CARLTON she is the most vile of the VILE. Never knew I could dislike someone I’ve never met but i do.

      • Laura

        Yes, please get Rid of Carlton- she is is VILE. Please show the stylish and fun women! (the rest of the cast) Not dark and scary like Carlton. It makes me Ill watching her scenes and her ugliness inside and out.

    • drink the diamond watter

      Thank you. I am so sick of her picking fly shit out of pepper. She goes out of her way to be completely controversial and then goes berserk if someone notices she’s a freak of nature. She’s the worst. Return to your sex room, Carlton, lock the door and STFU, please.

      • Gingersnap

        “picking fly shit out of pepper” LOL Love it and will start using it with the severely anal. Thanks!

  6. lori

    I cannot stand the way Carlton glares at everyone, including waiters and waitresses. It’s like she automatically looks at everyone and judges that they are idiots, even if they are just taking her lunch order. There is something mentally wrong with her, and on top of that, she’s just an asshole.

  7. pfffttt

    Did anyone notice Paul (Adrienne’s ex) was at the birthday party?

  8. Gingersnap

    Loved the butterfly tattoo scene with Kim and Kimberly.

    Brandi and Kyle were getting along famously. Imagine that. Brandi is about to expose some of Lisa’s chess moves. From somewhere in my foggy memory I remember a “checkmate, bitch” line coming from Brandi somewhere. This is gonna be fun :)

    I’ve liked Lisa from the get-go and still do. However, I’m not blinded by the fact that Lisa has A LOT of ambition and she’s not a stupid woman. I don’t know if I would call her calculating, but she is certainly shrewd, and she will take advantage of an opportunity, or maybe even create one…or two. Of course, that’s great for business but I’m not sure about friendships. Actually, I could kinda see Lisa using dumbfuck Brandi a bit. She was definitely easy pickings after the Richard Sisters rude reception to her, way back when :)

    It was another fun-filled week of the Debbie Downer of soirees in attendance. Carlton needs to get that 5 pointed pentagram out of her ass. Jesus, can you imagine how much that sucker hurts, riding it all the damn time? GOD, give it a rest. One thing is for sure, as long as Carlton is on Housewives, HER religion is going to forced down my throat. I wish Bravo would leave politics and religion out of the mix, no exceptions. If she wasn’t such a zealot, it would be cool, but she’s obsessed, or should I say possessed :) Either way, this is one time I wish Brandi would tell somebody to STFU.

    • lori

      While as of right now I am still liking Lisa (we know that can change rather quickly around here!), I think she is a fickle friend. Now that Brandi is not to keen on her she’s running back to Kyle. I don’t know why Brandi was confused about it in her talking head, because to me it’s quite obvious. I just hope that Kyle recognizes it too. In my book, someone who treats you that way should never again be considered a close friend.

      • Gingersnap

        I’m thinking Lisa and Brandi’s relationship started changing when Yolanda entered the picture. Now Brandi had two Dream Team friends and she was in a much better position to pick and choose who to give her allegiance to. Yolanda won out and Ken be damned! I think Brandi felt pressured by Lisa at times and rebelled in true Brandi fashion against authority figures, especially mom’s posing as friends. In all fairness to Brandi (gag me) she did tell Lisa she didn’t want/need a mother-friend. As she has distanced herself from her need of Lisa, she is spilling some of the beans to justify her own move. Who used who? Maybe everybody was getting what they wanted/needed at the time. Check and checkmate?

  9. vivaladiva831

    I’m sorry, while I think Kim is doing what seems like a good job in her sobriety, I fast forward her scenes. Was it ever mentioned who her child was that got the 5150 hold?

    Fast forward Yolanda too, except to see shots of her house.

    Carlton you’re a bitch, but you’re the kind who would never admit it. You will just spout bullshit about being honest and you have to be true to yourself blah blah blah…

    Kyle, enjoy being in the good light for now!

  10. Cammie

    Just watching this now (West Coast time), but did anyone else notice Ken in Lisa’s dressing room scene? Is he packing? I’m not typically (ummm or basically ever) into men’s black tie dressing, but what is the white, over the one shoulder deal?

    And lol Ginersnap and the pentacle up the ads, I couldn’t have said it better…spot on, as the English snotties would say!

    • Cammie

      Damn spellcheck…*ass*

      • Gingersnap

        Cammie ~ you brought up an interesting point concerning Carlton that REALLY annoys me. What she has on the back of her neck is actually a tat of a pentacle NOT a pentagram that she keeps saying. Since she is so fugging into her own wiccan religion it seems like she would call it what it really is…a pentacle…unless she doesn’t know, which is REALLY hypocritical considering she’s all over Kyle for not knowing (allegedly) the Star of David has 6 points and not 5 (she’s hyperventilating over this heathenish lack of knowledge, mind you). Wonder what Carlton’s excuse is. Maybe she is just trying to sound like she’s bad to the bone, her and her faux pentagram. Everything about Carlton seems to be faux.

      • Cammie

        Apparently my subconscious was working overtime last night while the rest of my brain was asleep at the wheel. I didn’t even realize I wrote pentacle, but that is in fact what it is….quick, someone write Kyle an email!

        Agree completely with you about Carlton, faux all the way. Anyone who has to talk up themselves constantly has no real clue who they are and/or has to create a crazy persona to feel “special”. For instance I had no idea Kyle was Jewish until this lil tattoo incident, but Carlton? O’ya, we all knew she was Wiccan, hot for the ladies, and pervy with her husband and the nanny 5 seconds after she opened her mouth for the first time. Yakking like you are bad to the bone does not make it so!

      • Gingersnap

        “quick, somebody write Kyle an email!” LOL.

  11. French

    I can’t with Kyle, I love that someone shuts her up. Whether I like Carlton or not, she gets a star in my book for always going after Kyle, even if it doesn’t make sense. Fast-forward past Kim & Kyle as much as possible. ;-) You know been fast forwarding through alot of Brandi lately, she is such a victim. Glad she jumped ship with Lisa for Kyle, we know now that Yolanda is jumping away from Brandi, bad move Brandi better to not burn bridges. :-D

    • I also love how Carlton is attacking Kyle. I give Carlton five pentagon stars just for going after Kyle this season. That fact alone has me cheering for her.

      • JoJo

        sandbo, I am in the boat too of hoping someone challenges Kyle and her snarky, passive-aggressive commentary I’ve seen since the beginning. She’s insufferable with making unfunny jokes constantly then cackling at them, among many things that irritate me about her.
        But what’s happened IMHO, Carlton jumped the shark with her issues with Kyle. It’s become one after the other unsubstantial issues about comments made by Kyle.
        What I think happened is Carlton watched every episode back to back before or after she signed up, recognized that Kyle is irritating and was headed to being very unpopular. She can’t bring up what’s happened in the past so I think she overplayed the Kyle hate card, and it’s backfired horribly, making Kyle almost a victim. For that I can’t forgive her :)_

  12. Jelley

    This has been SUCH a boring season. Carlton is disgusting. Brandi is disgusting. I like Kim even though she gets no love on this blog. Everyone else is meh.

    • lori

      I.give Kim love here. At this point, she is my favorite from that bunch.

    • spk

      Agreed. She really has made a turn-around, (if its not all scripted), from where she started. What child star doesn’t have a some “arrested development” issues? I just don’t like it when she gets around Kyle; they become pot stirrers…

      • Teenie

        It does seem scripted at times. Anyone remember “the hills”? Can these women be this stupid and childish. I love the recaps because i just can’t watch these stupid bitches anymore. I love TT for her recaps though. :)

  13. Victoria

    Another interesting fact…did you know that Joyce’s husband, Michael, was the executive producer of “Capote” with the late Phillip Seymour Hoffman? I saw him interviewed on Dr. Drew last night.

  14. Victoria

    I fully agree. Carlton is making me hate RHOBH. I didn’t even watch this episode. For me, Brandi brings enough drama and elicits just the right amount of hate. Once in a while, she’s recognizable as “the old Brandi”. These women can still have a good time together. When you add Carlton to the mix, it’s eye roll after eye roll. Also, she’s a very one dimensional character. We get it, Carlton: you love sex and are offended by everyone else. Carlton is not attractive, charismatic, or interesting. She’s a channel changer.

    • chris

      what is so weird to me is how carlton can make sex boring. never thought anyone could do that. her shtick is tired. and that “pentagram” is upside down, is it not?

      • OMG please tell me it is not possible for a star to be upside down. Because if it is…. LOLOL. I mean…. Bless her heart.

        On Wed, Feb 5, 2014 at 10:39 AM, Tamara Tattles wrote:

        >

  15. Victoria

    Oh wait– let me add that the whole time I was composing that comment, I had completely forgotten Kim Richards was on the show. She can go, too. Where is Pam? Hahaha

  16. bombero129

    i haven’t watched this episode but read your post, and I don’t want to watch it because it is so Carlton centered and I can’t stomach her. I am just fine reading your blog and not having to see Carlton.

  17. bombero129

    by the way, Yolanda is putting some interesting stuff on instagram and labeling it “To Whom It May Concern…”

    • brillke

      I don’t have Instagram, what exactly is she saying?

    • Cammie

      I don’t have Instagram either, please someone recap what she’s posting??

    • JoJo

      I don’t have Instagram either, but if you google Yolanda foster instagram, her page come up and you can see her photo posts.
      What she posted on a picture of some modally looking woman and to whom it may concern: “I’m not a bitch, it just pisses you off that I can see through all your bullshit and lies”
      (btw, her both her daughters and her son are absolutely gorgeous)

  18. Does anyone listen to Brandi’s podcast? In last week’s episode she said something to the effect that before RHOBH, Lisa V. was living in the Valley, ready to file bankruptcy. I tried to look up some info but couldn’t find anything. Brandi’s got Lisa standing at the curb, arm on her back, waiting for that bus!

    Brandi also mentioned that the reason she didn’t go to the doctor about her hand was that she didn’t have medical insurance and didn’t want to spend money on herself when she has sons to take care of – BUT in a prior podcast she flaunted how she spent $1000 in some upscale beauty shop on skin products. (the ridiculous part of the hand break is that she could have gone to any ER and been treated without insurance.)

    • Cammie

      “…before RHOBH, Lisa V. was living in the Valley, ready to file bankruptcy,” I would think if she was living in the valley it was by choice (that’s not saying I buy it, I don’t) and by no stretch could she have been close to bankruptcy. Even with Phaedra & Apollo’s 3 million in profits on their scams they could never afford Lisa and Ken’s house or the million plus wedding for Pandora and opening another bar/restaurant in the same 2year time period. Even their older house across from the Maloofs was 10x’s what you see some of these other housewives living (with a couple exceptions, BUT the fire was a bit suspicious right after they moved). I just can’t see Brandi’s statement being in anyway close to factual with the type of money Lisa throws around.

  19. gertha bit

    rosia! rosia! you are NOT under-privileged! but under suspicion….? hmmm
    rosia! i will ask you two or three or four times where my diamond clips are *with fiery accusation in me eyes* and as you scurry to find them for me, be mindful of master ken’s call to collect giggy for him straight away!
    cut to ken
    lisa picks what i wear
    i choose for giggy
    and giggy chooses for rosia.
    that’s how we rock and roll.

    for some reason that scene stuck out in my mind, and i thought so
    much less of ken for his choice of words.
    never cared for lisa no way.
    poor poor rosia. i don’t know what she gets paid, but it can’t be enough.

    • Gingersnap

      I agree with you gertha-bit. I love dogs with all my heart, but I don’t put them OVER a human being. They are dogs and still lower than the housemaids. That was pretty messed up for him to say. BAD KEN. Roll over and play dead. I’m thinking Ken is getting touched in the head.

      • gertha bit

        me too–big ol’ fan of dogs, love them! and you’re right Ginger. they don’t head up human-beings! now, if he’d have been joking, i may’ve seen it another way- but he wasn’t. ending it with a pompous and declarative, “that’s the way we rock and roll”.
        that, right after we see rosia runnin’ like a roach with the lights on from room to room, for diamond hair clips to pick up giggy. this, just weeks after the woman meekly suggests she might have one of milady’s disgarded gowns, but instead is smacked down by master and mistress of the house.
        i just sense my own face getting red, imagining the shame rosia might have swell in her, being talked to and about like that. let alone how she must feel while she and her family watch it back on tv.
        awful.

      • lori

        I put my dog over most humans. Certainly not all (like the ones I love), but everyone else, definitely. In general, I like dogs more than people.

      • Diva

        Well, I guess Lori and I are in the minority here. I put my dogs before (MOST) people, too.

  20. Sarah

    Tamara, love your butterfly story . . . similar thing happened to me. My husband & I were very close to my aunt (we shared a townhouse) & the day of her funeral as I was standing outside with a group of people having a smoke a butterfly came out of nowhere & landed on my hand . . . for well over a minute. Everyone was commenting that they’d never seen anything like it & some said it’s got to be Aunt C. For the next several years at least once a week a single butterfly would be fluttering within a several feet of me. It became common on days I didn’t see one that my husband would come home from work & tell me Aunt C was with me today – a single beautiful butterfly. It was very comforting. True story.

    • eastjames

      I loved it too! I also saw butterflies in March (its cold here then) when my grandmother died. Also the summer after she passed, they colonized to feed on minerals in the dirt around my house. There were hundreds of them! It was so beautiful!

  21. Tamara

    Looks like the filming of the reunion takes place Friday according to Brandi’s twitter!!

  22. Carlton is such a freak and her husband is super ugly! She is so old and with those fake boobs she looks like an ant! It is obvious she is a hard core drunk! I just put a curse on her! ROLF

  23. cdb

    Carleton is crazy,nuts. She is so self absorbed she could not see the forest from the tree’s if they were falling on top of her. Wow, what a whack job.

  24. All last season, I commented here about Brandi acting on Lisa’s orders. It was obvious to me.

    I wonder whose directing Carlton? Bravo? Or is she just a one trick pony who wrote her own dull script.

    I love people who get tats and scream when you notice them. OT name their kids Spiral and Trapperkeeper and flip out at your mentioning their unique names. Or choose a non-religion whackadoo thing and rub it in your face and thenacthirrifier when you ask about it.

  25. And btw, to show you who is pulling Brandi’s strings now, she WAS very well behaved at the birthday dinner. Any guess why? Her ventriloquist was at her step daughter’s wedding.

  26. BananaBug

    Can’t help but think we’re missing something here about Carlton’s persona. She has a perfect opportunity to educate us about Wicca but everything BRAVO has shown is fragmented, confusing and just plain weird. Of course, “dancing naked in the moonlight” must be difficult to film!

    • lori

      IMO, I think the reason she doesn’t use this platform to educate about it is because Carlton herself doesn’t even know very much about being Wiccan. She said herself that she doesn’t practice with any group and that she takes bits and pieces or something like that. She probably knows that if she starts “educating” us, true Wiccans are going to be all over it. I think she’s a big poser. Not just with this, but with lots of things.

      • Fahlina_G

        I think that perhaps her mother and/ or grandmother MAY have been practicing Wiccans and she “adopted” it, thinking it made her sound “edgy” or “cool”. Big fail. I know a few Wiccans and they are nothing like her. Shes full of it.

  27. JDS

    Carlton is “EVIL”, she needs to go! If she remains on the show I will not watch it anymore!

  28. Yamoah Asiedu

    What on earth was wrong with Carlton? She has such an ugly soul. In her talking head, she rightly announced that she would steal clear of Kyle at the birthday dinner, she should have. I am not Team Kyle because I think she is fluffy and passive aggressive in her talking heads, but Joyce’s attack was disproportionate, it was also NOT the time or the place. Carlton needs to shut up.

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