Welcome back, Revengers! I got a bit busy this week before getting around to this recap, but who really cares? Because it is another WINTER FINALE episode. Who the hell invented this WINTER FINALE nonsense anyway. I thought we were trending away of the whole Fall Season model of business and moving toward having good programming on year round? Was I wrong about that? These long breaks make me lose the storyline and fill me with hatred.
That is an apt emotion and the perfect title for this week’s episode because there is more than enough haterade to go around The Hamptons right now. That said, we begin the episode with an unlikely pairing. Nurse Niko is in Emily’s bedroom at her behest because she appears to have ripped the stitches out of her gut in her sleep. I am a heavy sleeper and even I would wake up if I was ripping a giant gaping wound in my belly with my bare hands. But I suppose the writers wanted to let us know that Emily has her fighting spirit back after sort of giving up last week. After thanking Niko for punching her in the gut last week, Emily pulls a red hot poker out of the fire and suggests cauterizing the wound rather than restitching it. Niko half-ass refuses before laying the hot poker on the wound. You know Niko loved that, she has to be seething with hatred over her man choosing Emily over her.
More hatred is floating around the gallery as Nolan drops in on Patrick. Poor lovelorn Nolan can’t ever seem to have a relationship with either gender with anyone sane. Patrick may not be long for this world. Nolan’s paramours all seem to come to an untimely demise eventually. Pity. I think Nolan really likes this one. Nolan gives Patrick a file he put together for Victoria when he helped her locate her son it contains a police report with his father’s name on it. What is Nolan’s motive?
Dr. Robinson, Victoria’s therapist arrives for a housecall. Emily claims she is seeing the shrink for advice on repairing her marriage.
Two people who don’t hate each other yet, are Jack and Margaux. They are out for a stroll with the baby like two lovebirds. Margaux gets very excited to see her magazine, Voulez on the newsstand. She is thrilled to open it to her story which she is seeing for the first time. Wait, whut? It’s her company. Surely, she gets a copy before the news stand does? Sidenote: I hate her dresses they always seem to hit her midsection in an awkward place. Margaux says that there are things in her piece that she did not write. She stalks off to the office where “heads will roll.”
Conrad is moving out of Grayson Manor. He is pissed at Emily for ruining his life and causing him to lose Lydia. Really, Conrad? Was Lydia such a tremendous loss? Conrad shuffles off to Southfork to set up his personal war room for the impending battles.
The maid lets Emily know that Margaux is on the phone for Daniel and she says it is urgent. The maid asks if she should wake Daniel. Emily says, “That’s his wife’s job.” Daniel tells Emily to enter his room. He is in bed with Sarah and is blatantly rubbing it in her face. She’s pissed. This will not end well for Sarah. Is that the same actress playing Sarah? She looks different. Tougher and less suicidal cake bakerish. Emily finds Sarah lounging by the pool on the phone lying to her mother. She tells her to leave. She refuses. The hard way it is, I suppose.
Nolan and Aiden are still living together for some reason. Can’t Aiden afford his own place? And Nurse Niko has decided to crash in Aiden’s room, which is really pissing off Nolan. Why? She’s kind of his type. Wasn’t his last foray into the lady pond with an Asian girl? And this one is all kinds of bad ass and can probably keep herself alive. Niko on the other hand views herself as back together with Aiden. Together they will avenge her father’s death by finding out who murdered her father. Which won’t be hard for Aiden to figure out at all, because he is the one who killed him.
Daniel and Margaux are fighting over the story about the Graysons that was published with false information that implicates Conrad setting Lydia up for murder. They are served with a summons. Conrad is suing for libel. Daniel realizes that his father planted the story and paid off the editor. #Revenge
Patrick is back to feeling hatred toward his mother, which I must say is a whole lot more comfortable to watch than in previous weeks where they always seemed on the verge of an incestual makeout session. Patrick wants to find his Daddy. Victoria doesn’t want him to go looking. Victoria won’t win this one.
Victoria confronts Daniel for allowing Sarah to shack up in the Manor. The neighbors are talking for God sake. Think of their reputa…um…. Victoria doesn’t want people having more things to wag their tongue about. Plus, she is a “soft target” and Emily will crush her. Victoria knows because that is exactly what she did to Conrad’s first wife.
Daniel walks into Emily’s room which is strewing with shopping bags and boxes full of designer clothes. Daniel says she will be cleaning up the mess herself as the maids were clearly gossiping about the Sarah situation. No one confessed, so he fired everyone. Emily says she if fighting to get Daniel back. Daniel doesn’t believe a word out of his lying mouth.
Patrick and Victoria are driving around to spy on three potential Jim Brennans. They watch as one of the Jim’s plays ball in the front yard with a young boy. Really? Really. And to make things even more sappy, Patrick tells Victoria the sad, sad, story of his adopted family life. Because clearly, Victoria never thought to ask the kid she threw away how his life turned out.
Nolan stops by to see Emily and says that Aiden has got to get out of his house. All the fucking going on between Aiden and Niko is annoying him. Is this Nolan’s way of making Emily jealous and nudging her back together with Aiden? It may actually work.
Emily goes for a swim in the pool and over does it. She has a huge memory black out and comes out of it to find herself at Nolan’s with Aiden. Aiden tries to talk to Emily who is freaking out. Aiden says if she walks out now, that is it. She will have to live with her choices. She replies, “Like your choice to screw Niko?” and leaves.
Margaux and Daniel confront Conrad about the magazine story. Daniel says everything can be made right, all Margaux has to do is fire Daniel. She can buy back his shares and sell them to him at twice the price. Margaux says yes without batting an eye. In some of the best dialogue in the episode Daniel says, “If you want to get into bed with the devil, I can’t stop you.” Daniel storms out. Margaux says to Conrad, ” I assume Satan will want the corner office?” Conrad replies, “I have no desire to punch a clock. Just my boy.” Annnnnnnd scene.
Aiden arrives home to find Niko peeling copious amounts of mangos. Mounds of peels cover his fancy granite countertop. Niko is pissed because Aiden stood her up for dinner. Perhaps she finds mango peeling therapeutic? Oh no, she has been studying her father’s autopsy and has figured out that Aiden sword killed her father. She believes someone stole the sword from Aiden and used it to murder her father. She will hunt this person to the ends of the earth. In the meantime, she is practicing peeling skin from flesh. Nolan backs away slowly.
Daniel comes home to find that Sarah has made him a romantic dinner. Daniel tells her about losing his job at Voulez. He can’t stay in the house. Everything reminds him of Conrad. Sarah says fine, let’s go out, anywhere you want. Daniel says fine, “Italy.” They plan to leave tomorrow.
Victoria followed Patrick to a bar. He is there to meet his father. Victoria runs in to him and has a panic attack and freaks out. Patrick gets her out of there. Back at the Manor, Patrick makes Victoria some tea. She tells Patrick everything. Or at least her version of everything. Her mother murdered her lover when Victoria was 15. She forced Victoria to take the blame. She was released to her mother’s custody and was molested by another one of her mother’s boyfriends. Patrick’s father lived in an apartment down the hall. He watched over her like an older brother. One day a fuse blew in her apartment and she went into the base with him to fix it. He raped her. He says that his father started stalking her and baby Patrick. So when she got a scholarship to art school in Paris, she gave him to the nuns and made them promise to keep him safe from his father. And she went to art school.
Margaux comes home to Daniel’s. She declines to tell him the outcome of the meeting with Conrad. Jack is looking at homes for the two of them to move into together. He declares his undying love to her. She loves him back. This will never happen.
Daniel and Sarah are blissfully dreaming of Italy. Then Emily arrives with Sarah’s mother. Sarah refuses to go with her mother and her mother disowns her. Sarah realizes she can’t live this way and she kisses Daniel goodbye forever. Well that was easy.
Aiden gives Niko some (obviously fake) information on who killed her father and a ticket to Moscow so she can go kill him. She is pissed he is not coming with her. She realizes he loves Emily and is never going to leave her. Later we learn that Nolan set up Hoffman as the target because he killed Declan. Who? I mean really wasn’t Declan like three seasons ago? Why bring his name up. Whatever, it’s all for nothing anyway because Niko found the sword in Aiden’s room!
Patrick is shown in the gallery painting. He gets angry and throws his paint. He begins to clean up the mess and then it appears he decides to torch the whole place. Perhaps with him inside? Another dead lover for Nolan so soon?
Daniel goes to Emily and grabs her by the hair and throws her on the bed. He says thanks to Emily he is dead inside. Emily says she is too which is why they are perfect for each other. Daniel says, “Sterilizing you was my gift to the universe!” Emily cries. Yes, she cried! This emotional Emily can be blamed on the head injury, but when did Daniel grow a set? Emily blacks out again. When she wakes up, she is in Conrad’s bed. Conrad greets her with, “Oh good, You’re awake, you were marvelous last night Mrs. Grayson. ”
Next time, the original Mrs. Conrad Grayson returns to The Hamptons. I wonder what fresh hell she will stir up? We will have to wait until March 9th to find out, dammit.