Vanderpump Rules Recap: When Being Gang Banged Is The Best Alternative

Vanderpump Rules It’s time for the annual Vanderpump Rules trip. Once again they are doing it on Stassi’s birthday so it can be all about her. Again. Once again, Jax is not invited but coming anyway. God I miss my flat belly from my twenties.  I miss when it was fun to go clothes shopping because everything looked great.  Um, anyway…

Lisa and Peter are at a restaurant supply shopping. Lisa says her customers are always stealing things from the restaurant, salt and pepper shakers,  candles… all sorts of things.

At the airport,the girls are already ganging up on Scheana and she is not even there yet.  When they arrive in Cabo, Scheana opts to ride in the boys van. This makes all the other girls pissed. Does she think she is too good for them?  Um, really? Y’all treat her like shit. I’d ride drama free with the boys too!

At the hotel, they all got upgraded. Scheana is staying in a room with her boyfriend, meanwhile the other girls are not staying with theirs.  I find that really odd. Scheana says this is probably because they don’t have sex. I agree. It seems none of them really like their boyfriends.

None of the metrosexual guys brought a blow dryer. Jax goes to try to get one from the girls. While he is there he makes sure to tattletale on Scheana.  Because that is what Jax does. Then Stassi does what Stassi does and emasculates Jax.

At the club Kirsten tries to tell Scheana she can’t sit at the table. Katie is pissed that straight Tom let her have a shot from their bottle. These girls are bitches! Peter and Jax immediately take off to find drunk girls on Spring Break and are immediately successful.

wap-vanderpump-rules-season-2-jax-tattles-on-scheana-in-caboEveryone from the mean girls club and the guys go outside. Scheana tells the waiter to clear the table, because they are done.  Meanwhile outside Katie is yelling at Tom for sharing booze with Scheana. It’s not like any of them are actually paying the tab anyway. This is just drama for drama’s sake.

Stassi is mad that Jax and Peter are off picking up girls. Scheana and Shay head back to their room to avoid the drama. Which is odd because I totally thought she was going to take the table. Shay must have said he had enough because he doesn’t generally do the drama stuff.

Meanwhile, Tom is telling Katie she is being a bitch and a bully. Tom eventually dumps a drink on her head. Katie is smashed as usual. Tom still feels bad even though the whole drink on Katie’s head thing happened because she grabbed Tom’s drinking arm. But now she is the victim of a terrible boyfriend.

Meanwhile, all is perfect in the land of Lisa Vanderpump. She has her partners over for dinner and she does the cooking.  Lisa talks about Ken being such a wild child when they met.

Back at the hotel, the girls all go to the beach. At the beach the girls go skinny dipping. Well some of them just go topless. Stassi apparently got the DDlongs  when she got her implants. They KNEW they were going skinny dipping and did not bring towels. Sigh. Amateurs. Kristen and Katie can’t walk straight.

The next morning the two Toms wake up in the same bed cuddling. Maybe neither one is straight!  Jax and Peter come in to wake them up. Straight Tom is wearing a pink T. I am going to have to come up with another way to separate the Toms!

At the beach, Tom tries to make Katie see that she is being a bitch to Scheana and Shay. She is not having it. Cabo is really pretty. I’ve never been. In fact I haven’t been anywhere in Mexico except for Acapulco when I was 20.  I don’t feel super comfortable traveling to Mexico alone these days.  And that is sad because it is so close and so cheap. I plan to stick to the Caribbean though. Curacao is just fine for me.  Or St. Lucia when I am flush.  Or Nevis if I find me a rich man. :)

Gratuitous  nude photo

Gratuitous nude photo

Peter is chosen to judge the wet T-Shirt contest. Which is more like a wet T-Shirt plus lap dance contest. Later at dinner, Jax gives Stassi a birthday gift and she likes it. AMAZING!  Then Scheana asks for a rundown of what happened last night. She heard something went up Katie’s nose.  So Tom says that Katie was mad because he gave Scheana  a drink.  She grabbed his hand in the argument and he might have spilled a little bit on her. OH GAWD. Tom and Katie start to fight. Tom tells Katie she makes his life miserable by acting like a seventh grade mean girl. Everyone sort of gangs up on Katie. And Katie wanders off into the mean streets drunk and alone. No one goes after her except the camera guy.

Next week: Cabo continues.  Jax tells Stassi that he told her about Gay Tom and Arianna because they were dating at the time. It was not something for her to share. Stassi relays the info straight to Kristen who calls Lisa from Cabo with an ultimatum. She can’t work with Ariana. Next week looks good.

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26 Comments

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26 responses to “Vanderpump Rules Recap: When Being Gang Banged Is The Best Alternative

  1. Really how much clout does Kristin have with Lisa? I can’t believe that she even has the audacity to call Lisa. Guess we’ll have to wait until next week to find out who has the power. If I was Lisa I would tell Kristin to take a hike. Who needs an employee that cannot make it through 1 shift without have a mental breakdown?

  2. therealdeb

    i am sort of stunned most of this group even has a job, they all act like spoiled children instead of employees. stassi really is the queen mean girl, it seems she can not be friends with everyone because she has to have a target for her irrational rage. when ever she talks about what she would do if kind of thing it is very violent and gory, she needs therapy for sure. katie is a hot drunken mess, she really does need rehab badly, as does kristen. i feel sorry for staight tom, shit both toms, they have hot messes as girlfriends. and jax is such a douche, i do not know how any of them can be friends with him, he is a liar face and a back stabber. i really like scheana and shea.

    • spk

      Completely agree with you, except to add, a couple glasses into my Sauv. Blanc and I couldn’t help but be horrified by their spray tans. In the natural light outside the airport they all looked like pancake makeup zombies to me. Stassi’s sociopathic, right? And I have to kinda feel bad for Katie; Tom was dismissive and minimizing. He really chucked that drink at her.

      And the only way they have a job is to bring publicity to Lisa’s restaurants, sadly.

      Of course, I say all this knowing that once I said here, in public, in writing (!!) that I agreed with something Kanye West said….so I can’t be trusted.

      • Nicole

        I don’t even know how anyone can watch this show. Too much drama is what BRAVO wants for the younger viewers. However, in the short clips that I’ve seen and from a few episodes that I watched last season I agree with you both above – Stassi is a BITCH!!!

  3. Popcorn and Vodka (@popcornandvodka)

    Tamara, you forgot to state what Scheana said in the van! Except in the headline. And talk about 7th grade mean girl, JAX needs to grow up and act like the grown man he is instead of spreading shit that he knows is going to cause trouble.
    I can’t wait for next week because Kristen needs to be FIRRRRRRED. (But I know she probably won’t. Sighhhh.)

    • Skeeter

      I have a feeling Lisa will let Arianna go, then Scheana will get pissed off and leave also, paving the way for a wedding spinoff. Wouldn’t that piss the mean girls off LOL!

  4. Popcorn and Vodka (@popcornandvodka)

    Oh, and you should go to Cabo. It’s in Baja so it’s basically California. Super nice, clean and rich. Very pretty and safe. I’ve been all up and down the West coast of Mexico, but Cabo is the only place I’d really feel safe alone. (Relatively, heh)

  5. JoJo

    How does Kristen giving Lisa an ultimatum of firing Ariana or she’ll quit solve her problems? First, I don’t believe any of this crap is real. But the plan is flawed on multiple levels: Lisa likely would never sucuumb to a server even suggesting an ultimatum (unless it’s part of her plan); there’s young, attractive, dime a dozen servers willing to take that job; and Kristen ends up jobless.
    Moreover, if Kristen quits, she only leaves Tom and Ariana behind the bar by themselves, without her constant prying & meltdowns, giving those 2 all the time in the world to plan and carry out all they’ve been accused of (if they haven’t already consummated that ‘friendship)……Dumb plan.

  6. Xanadude

    Scheana can’t win with these girls (and I say that include Jax and the Toms. The only man in that group is Peter) and her boyfriend realizes it, hence, the no contact after drinks scene. And Scheana comment in the van – totally inocuous, but Jax, perpetually 11 year old Jax, had to try to score points with his mistress by saying something. Ignunt lot.

  7. Aerin

    Newbie here… Love your recaps Tamara!

    Any any rate, I watched some VR last year until it got too grating. I saw Stassi’s bday episode last year, and now we’ve had part of her birthday celebration shown this year. Is she 12? Is she a national hero turning 100? Who has a birthday week!? She is ridiculous! A birthday simply isn’t that important. It’s very lovely to celebrate, but she really needs to tone it down. She doesn’t have the right to dictate behavior from everyone else on the trip. Her friends have other things to think about other than celebrating her.

  8. I’m tired of two faced Stassi. She likes Sheana when the mean girl pack isn’t around. I also can’t stand Kristina. She stirs the shit with anyone when it comes to Stassi. She’s always in her ear. Doesn’t matter if it’s about Jax or Kristen or Katie. Think she just wanted film time this season.

    The over reaction to the gang bang comment is just annoying. Don’t worry, she doesn’t really want to bang your boyfriend, he has been with your fugly ass after all. Plus there’s the fact that she has Shay.

    Both Toms need to dump the “always the victim” girlfriends. Being drunk is no excuse for being a twat, as we’ve learned with Brandi.

    • Was Kristina the one with the nice ass? Have we seen here before? I figured she might be Stassi’s real friend that she wanted to go to her birthday with her.

      On Tue, Jan 7, 2014 at 4:27 PM, Tamara Tattles

      • Kristina was the host of the failed yard sale. She works at SUR but isn’t shown there often.

      • JoJo

        Yep Kristina is the one with the nice ass – disgusting dammit. She was also the one that meekly complained to Lisa that Schaena had way too many medical time-offs. I guess she’d be considered ‘friend of the VR staff’ like friend of the HW – she’s had a talking head or 2 also.

  9. JoJo

    Great recap, I LOL at “And Katie wanders off into the mean streets drunk and alone. No one goes after her except the camera guy.”
    I have a feeling that Katie’s Tom thought he needed to do something, anything, to show he’s film worthy. What better way to do that than toss a drink on top of his GF’s head? He seemed so meek doing it too, after all, all we’ve seen of him is the nice, mild-mannered guy.
    Also I’ve really never warmed up to Sheana (her voice, her singing etc.), but when the other brats do this ostracizing the girl, it just pumps up sympathy for her and makes them all the bitches from hell (and that’s more so than when Scheana isn’t involved in their bitchy bratiness.
    Jax is 33 or 34 going on 13 or 14, but his pathetic chasing of his ex does give him the spotlight on the show, so maybe he’s playing his cards just right.
    So far I just really like Katie’s Tom and still wish he’d been hired as a bartender at SUR. But I’m sure, like all the others, we’d see all sorts of douche behavior from him to hang with this group & remain film worthy :(

  10. Kisha

    I seriously almost died laughing when Tom and Tom were asleep in each others arms. LOLLL

  11. Mango

    Damnit TT, you got me hooked on this show! It’s like being dragged back to your 20s and shagged through hedge backward ;)

  12. Y0urc0nsci0us

    This show is so Lilly white it’s sickening. They have a couple of black girls at Sure. Why can’t they get a storyline or go on vacay? Racism.

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