Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall, Who’s The Biggest Witch of All?

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Brandi wants to dump JR now that she got the house she wanted.  She is having this conversation with Jennifer in the bathroom as she runs her bath. She made sure to flash her entire ass at the cameraman which I thought was a bit too…um “cheeky” and then she strips naked and gets into the tub with a full camera crew in her bathroom!  Sigh.

Joyce runs a pageant called Queen of the Universe.  I wonder how Trump feels about a former Miss Universe naming her pageant that? She has two adorable little boys and they have a mini putting green in their back yard. How cute. Will they be the next Tiger Woods?

As much as I want to call Carlton Morticia and violate my own rule against stupid names, I won’t. Carlton is planning a luncheon at her home for the ladies.

Yolanda is receiving daily in home visits from a holistic nurse. Gigi is leaving at the end of the summer to go to school in NYC. That should be a great place for her modeling career as well. She is studying criminal psychology. I wish I had focused my undergrad on that rather than general psychology.

JR seems like a nice guy, who is about to be blindsided. He is trying to be nice. But Brandi is pissed that he went on a couples trip to Texas without inviting her or even telling her. She seems like she is trying to dump him before he dumps her.

Lisa is on the way to DWTS and is wearing a fascinating ring on her index finger that takes up the entire first joint. It appears to be a series of bands, perhaps with small diamonds that is likely attached in some way underneath. Lovely!  Lisa gets voted out and reporters tell her about the fake fainting rumors.

3 Musketeers From Yolanda's Twitter in April 2013

3 Musketeers From Yolanda’s Twitter in April 2013

And it’s time for the big luncheon at Carton’s house. She has her nanny and her friend working as servers. How would you feel if your friend asked you to come to her to serve her invited guests? Really Carlton? Carlton has already said twice she likes to surround herself with beautiful women. Yolanda arrives looking stunning despite her illness. She brings a candle as a hostess gift. Yo and Carlton get along well.

Meanwhile in the limo, the girls are talking about Lisa’s fainting episode on DWTS and Brandi seems to be agreeing with the girls that she faked it. Nice, Brandi. I don’t think there was malicious intent on anyone’s part. But I expect it will all be blown out of proportion at the luncheon. Yolanda and Kyle still hate each other at this point. Will Yo start to forgive her when Brandi abandons Lisa and sidles up to Kyle?

Carlton is VERY easily insulted. Last week someone said, “Oh I like the names Destiny and Mystery even more than Cross!” And she did a talking head about people making fun of her children’s names. Kyle, who is admittedly lacking in the social graces gene,  notes all the crosses in her home, and “asks her if she was “raised Catholic.”  ANNNNE we get another talking head where Carlton has her hackles up.  Really? All she needs to say is no.

Lisa arrives in the Castle of Dracula (I have been there, but perhaps I should mention international travel, it seems to be a sore spot these days…lol) with a lovely PINK arrangement. Lisa realizes the mistake right away and half-heartedly apologies and Carlton is actually somewhat gracious. Carlton has a creepy doll collection.

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Lisa is not even seated before Brandi is spilling the news about the conversation in the limo to Yo and Lisa. Really? Why do people feel the need to run to their friends and tell them about such an inconsequential conversation? Lisa said she would hope her friends would be supportive and that Brandi was not a part of it. Sorry, Lisa. Guess you found that out just this week with the episode arrived.  Brandi said they were all just joking and it wasn’t a thing. So why stir the shit, Brandi?  Lisa said she hoped she had her back and Brandi swears she did. Lies.  Joyce and Kyle walk in and Kyle seems to be trying to blame Brandi and Brandi is blaming Kyle over who started the conversation. It was Kyle. Joyce says she has not seen the show and has no idea.  Lisa is pissed. Brandi says she feels bad for talking about Lisa in the limo.

Carlton has a confessional. That is kinda cool. And Catholic so no wonder Kyle asked!

Outside Kim says she loves all of Carlton’s magic balls.  heh.  Carlton says there are a couple of names for them, they are witches balls or Victorian balls.  They grab negative energy and they trap it. Hell we need to put some of those on Twitter! lol.  So they are talking about witches balls and how many Carlton has, and her script requires her to ask if Carlton has ever explored witchcraft. And again the witch is pissed off. How dare she make such and inquiry.  I hate Carlton. She needs to lighten the fuck up. If you are a witch and advertise and people ask why be offended? Carlton is a third generation witch.  Carlton used to practice dark witchcraft but now because she  has kids she only practices the white kind. This is good news for Kyle I suppose.

Carltons bed is HUGE!

At the actual lunch, Carlton refuses to be at the head of the table so Kyle gleefully takes the spot. Wait what?  Did Brandi just say that Yolanda said when she met Carlton that she was a “good cunt?”  Tell me I am misreading her lips. WHO SAYS THAT?

Joyce is the only sane one in the room. In her talking head she says that Carlton was offended she was asked about her religion by Kyle, but Brandi calls her a See You Next Tuesday and she is not offended? How odd!

Most everyone else was offended. Lisa makes a comment about it and Yolanda says to Lisa, “You need to remember you are not her mother, you are her girlfriend.”.  And lines begin to be drawn. The girls rib Lisa over Gleb’s hotness. Carlton seems to be hitting on Lisa.  Brandi and Joyce both for some reason what to discuss how tight their chuckalinas are. Carlton is all cool with Brandi saying it but says hearing Joyce say it made her throw up in her mouth. REALLY?  Joyce if a Brazilian times hotter than Brandi.

Carlton says on national television in a talking head that her husband is hung like a donkey but she does not go around telling people that. Are donkey’s particularly well hung?  It seems Carlton is intimately aware of such facts.

Yolanda asks Carlton what it is about her that she thinks they need to know. Carlton responds with the fact that she loves women. For those keeping count I think that was the fifth time this episode.  Then out of fucking nowhere,  Brandi says, so Kyle… what is up with this story about Mauricio cheating on you? REALLY BRANDI? How much have you had to drink at noon thirty? Oh Brandi was just being kind and giving Kyle a “heads up” on national TV in front of all the castmates and a full camera crew. How kind of her.  Yolanda and Lisa both seem to be saying, “There is no smoke without fire.”  I’ve had numerous sources tell me that Mauricio and Vicki Gunvalson’s  guy Brooks visit the same brother in Nevada on the regular, ALLEDGEDLY.  Lisa chimes in with she didn’t believe the stories about Eddie either and they turned out to be true.  Wow. What spiteful bitches. Kyle is crying in her talking heads.  Wow, that was shitty even by real housewives standards. I actually feel badly for Kyle which never happens.

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52 Comments

Filed under Carlton Gebbia, David Foster, Joyce Giraud, Joyce Giraud de Ohoven, Kim Richards, Kyle Richards, Lisa Vanderpump, Mauricio Umansky, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, RHOBH, Yolanda Foster

52 responses to “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall, Who’s The Biggest Witch of All?

  1. Jana

    Tamara, I think you meant BRANDI chimed in with the story regarding Eddie, either way…with friends like these, you definitely don’t need enemies!

  2. Shirley

    Brother in Nevada?

    • James

      I think she meant “brothel”?

      I think brandi is doing way too much to cement her place on the show. I understand she wants and needs to stay on the gravy train but she’s looking really thirsty so far this seaSon. (However, I still am dead over what she says mohamed said about joanna so I’ll try and ride with her a little longer).

  3. Felina

    I can’t believe Kyle ever had an acting career. Her crying is the worst acting I’ve ever seen in my life

  4. JrLeaguer

    Carlton reminds me more and more of Tabitha Coffey…only with dark hair and wound more tightly than Tabitha. Does anyone else get a weird vibe about the relationship between Carlton and the blonde nanny?

    • Gingersnap

      There is definitely something going on with the nanny…she REALLY loves Carlton. She popped Carlton on the ass a good one too. That was pretty funny.

      • JrLeaguer

        I missed the ass smack…I was folding clothes while watching. Her soft core
        porn-ish credits on imbd were interesting. Her husband and his family had producer credits and she had a few variations on her name.

      • Joan

        I thought the same thing Gingersnap! Carlton might just swig a bit….and slapping another woman’s butt certainly shows familiarity! Carlton kept saying she likes being surrounded by beautiful women….shouldn’t that be “handsome/hot men”? Yeesh…. Brandi bringing up the tabloid rumors about Kyla and Mauricio was just rude. If you’re going to ask someone with news/rumors like that at least do it in private. I’ve got a bad feeling Brandi is out to wreck havoc this season on everyone.

      • Elizabeth

        I do love Carlton! She has been a wonderful friend to me for many years. We are very playful and always laughing and having fun. She is like my sister. I was just being silly. After watching I was saying Lord help me! I was absolutely cringing at myself. Yikes! But that’s me. I am goofy and my behavior is harmless. I just don’t want to offend anyone:)

      • Gingersnap

        @Elizabeth ~ So you’re LIZZIE? Carlton’s Lizzie? Really?!

      • Elizabeth

        Yes it really is me the nanny:)

    • JoJo

      JrLeaguer, excellent comparison…..only I think they’re both wound equally tight! It’s like they both dislike people much more than they like them.

  5. Gingersnap

    Wonder what that cross over Carlton’s big ass bed has seen. This girl likes girls. Bet her man likes girls too. Marriage made in heaven. That confessional has seen a lot of action too. I think she’s very judgmental in her own way and ultra-sensitive to dumb shit. I don’t even think she’s remotely pretty either. Brandi finds her very hot and that nanny adored her. Weird. She hates Kyle for sure. Not so weird.

  6. JoJo

    Oh hell, there certainly is that ‘line drawn.’ And Brandi has officially entered the Bravo 3rd Season Bring Down. She’s going to have a LOT more damage control to explain herself now. I hope I don’t end up disliking her.
    And I don’t know WHAT to think of Carlton; I think she just had to have met these women off camera before the season filmed and decided who she was going to like. Her being insulted by such inoffensive things, but laughing and liking something that could be truly offensive just made no sense.
    And I would almost feel sorry for Kyle, but I’ve seen too much of her in the past seasons to forget her fakery, completely failing at being funny, then cackling at her failures. She’s been trying to emulate what comes naturally to Lisa but Kyle doesn’t have an honest witty bone in her body. But, Carlton taking offense to being asked if she was raised Catholic and not bothered in the least by being called a cunt – ridiculous.

    • Yamoah Asiedu

      “She’s been trying to emulate what comes naturally to Lisa but Kyle doesn’t have a witty bone in her body.”

      I hadn’t thought about this until you mentioned it. I think you are absolutely right. I used to really like Kyle but her antics have turned me all the way off. Petty is her middle name.
      Carlton is over-reacting and contradicting herself in equal measure. Doesn’t she realise that newbies should be relaxed or neutral in their first season!!? Three episodes in and she is extremely annoying. Will be interesting to see how things unfold.

  7. therealdeb

    i can tell you i don’t like joyce, she is trying to hard to let everyone know her husband has a dick and she is tight. who cares. i do like carlton, i may be crazy but i do. she is sensitive about weird shit but what ever. i still cannot stand kyle, and you know she would be out there running around wanting all the details if someone else’s husband was in the tabloids. she has spent way to much time over the last few years telling everyone how in love she and mauricio are.

  8. Urethra Franklin

    Carlton’s bed sure is big enough to _________ with _________ and room for all her __________ to use with her husband. You go gurl!

  9. I’m totally embarrassed to ask this question but what is a cunt

    • Sunny in the desert

      I think in this instance Brandi meant it as a compliment. I love that word anyway so I don’t care. Brandi is a funny cunt. Stupid, but funny.

    • Sunny in the desert

      It’s another word for your vagina but it’s meant to insult women. Fuck, I don’t know, google it.

    • It used to be the MOST derogatory way to call someone a whore – you couldn’t go much lower than to be called that.

      But the way it’s so casually thrown around these days – I’m not sure what it means.

    • It is a derogatory term referring to a womans vagina. I never heard of the term either until I was well into my forties.

    • Joan

      The reference to See You Next Tuesday = Cunt is from a few movies, and specifically the Sex And the City series over the past few years. I’ve never used the word nor have my friends – it’s always used in the most insulting terms to insult someone. However, I live in the south where the art of double speak lives. Women rarely say what they really mean. At least that is my experience.

  10. Belinda

    I love the cunt word, also. It is particularly handy when some GUY annoys the shit out of me. Carlton is physically a real dog ! I don’t care if she likes girls but the kid’s nanny…really ? Didn’t anyone hear her tell beautiful Yo that she kisses her little boy and asks him for tongue ? She is completely humorless about most things but thought THAT was funny ? Must be something wrong with ME ! Mentally she is a real pig !

    • that tongue comment about kissing her son grossed me out. i cannot imagine anyone thinking that was goofy or funny. i do like the two new women so far, tho. and i thought kyle’s endless questions were awkward at best.
      rhobh was my first housewives show (the only one i was interested in watching), but i think of it as the mean girls club. remembering how cruel and dismissive kyle and kim were of brandi, and how lisa and later yolanda rescued her and gave her a little class, i’m sorry to see brandi turn on the others this episode. i’m wondering whether she is a little crazy rather than the straightforward person she seemed to be.
      btw, was surprised nobody seemed familiar with gazing balls. they all have gardens, dont they?

  11. Espistar

    I hope in the coming episodes that Carlton lightens the heck up!!! Sheesh! She’s so unlikable right now. Sometimes these housewives don’t come across well in their first season (i.e., Camille, Phaedra). Then after they’re blasted in the tabloids and by the blogs they get it together and much better the next season. I don’t know if I feel bad for Kyle. She had no problem exposing Kim’s alcoholism on the show in the first season. Now, apparently it’s her turn.

  12. LoriNYC

    I think Carlton is being very hard on Kyle and should lighten up a bit. Lisa’s faint looked a bit embellished to me. When I’ve fainted, I never looked that glamorous but who’s to say? I think it was rude of Kyle to bring it up in the limo. I’m surprised that Brandi fed into it but I don’t think she meant it in the same negative tone as Kyle did. Brandi is without a filter and I love that about her. I don’t think for a second that she brought up the Mauricio infidelity topic to be cruel, she was trying to help. If the rumors are unfounded and laughable then why is Kyle getting so very upset when someone brings it up to her? She’s constantly defending her marriage which if everything was perfect, she wouldn’t bother. When there isn’t a grain of truth to something someone says about me, I laugh it off and never give it a second thought. Brandi using the C-Word was in a funny context. These women need to lighten up and get over themselves already. If the person it was directed towards isn’t offended then nobody else should be. Joyce is a snooze thus far. I expect more from a fellow Boriqua! She’s letting my people down. Is Kim still even on the show? I hadn’t noticed.

  13. DeeDee

    For the Kyle and Kim sickness, Carlton is just what the doctor ordered! It’s gonna be a bumpy ride!!!

  14. Bravocueen

    Honestly, I think Brandi was “directed” (by producers) to bring up the rumors and Kyle knew it was coming.

  15. BH28

    Brandi knew what she was doing in the limo and by asking Kyle about the rumors. She’s like a puppet, and by no means I think Lisa is the puppet master, but do think that she is the target this season.
    The editing is probably making her comments look worse than it really is, since season 1 we know the type of comments she does, and it’s not always to be mean, she likes to joke around and be sarcastic, that’s who she is. Except for the Maloof Hoof, she was pissed at Adrienne hahahaha.
    She had every right to be upset at the girls for saying she fake fainted, even though she always jokes, I don’t recall seeing her making snarky remarks about any of the lady’s health. And when she said “are you saying there’s no smoke without fire?” to Yolanda she was completing the sentence in a form of question, but that doesn’t mean she agrees with what, she said it herself a million times.
    Kyle on twitter likes to say that Lisa is only a good friend on camera, but apparently, she is the one that is a bad friend on and off camera.
    And now Brandi implying that Lisa is the one leaking stories on Radar Online about some kind of ‘intervention’ sounds very bitchy and delusional to me.

    • BH28

      *doesn’t mean she agrees with that, she said it herself that she doesn’t believe the rumors a million times (I kinda believe, not sure).

    • I don’t believe for a minute Lisa has the time or the inclination to leak stories to Radar. That was Adrienne’s job. lol. It’s interesting that Brandi is denying the intervention was attempted, and she mad that it got leaked.

      • BH28

        Lisa was out all day today apparently doing press for her LVP Sangria. This might come as a shock to Brandi, but she actually has a job, sorry hahahaha.
        I used to love Brandi, she’s funny and can have a good time, but now I think she exagerates in everything she does and says and doesn’t care what she has to sacrifice to stay in the headlines, including her friendships, accusing people of doing this and that and blablabla.
        Like Lisa said in her blog, It’s getting old this type of shit.
        Now that Adrienne isn’t the one leaking the stories, I would probably go with the person that needs the money or the attention the most….

      • Yamoah Asiedu

        I agree with you Tamara. Lisa is far too busy and too fabulous (IMO) to spend time leaking stories about Kyle to ROL. Kyle’s self absorption is at epic proportions. It would not surprise me if we eventually find out that Mauricio has a secret family complete with young children. I said it first!

  16. Offensive words…..I have had people( women) far more offended by my children;, saying ma’am, than if they said yeah bitch, whore, or even cunt. I am saying offense, is often in the eye of the beholder.

  17. i want to like Carlton (mostly because she hates Kyle), but I don’t think Kyle’s questions were intrusive or rude…she was trying to make conversation. Lighten up Carlton!

  18. Money

    I find it funny how they can call eachother bitches but cunt makes them made lol I’ve noticed that cunt only bothers certain type of women

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