By: Urethra Franklin
It’s 1833, and Madame Delphine LaLaurie is hosting a fancy schmancy Hallow Eve’s party with waltzing, masks, and a special Halloween edition of her Chamber of Horrors. The governor’s son, Jacques, is introduced as a potential suitor to her daughter Borja. Her nickname is Borquita (Little Borja). Madame LaLaurie wants to test him out with her serial killer style to see if he’s a cool & fun future son-in-law. Plus she wants to haze him for thrills & giggles because her bloomers get moist with excitement when she watches a handsome man piss in his pants with fear, “It makes me feel young again.” She escorts Jacques, with her daughters in tow, into her candle lit dining room to play the 19th century’s most popular Halloween game, GUESS MY TREATS, with her silver bowls filled with mystery goodies by sticking his hand inside them. He thinks bowl #1 has grapes. Wrong. It’s a bowl of eyeballs, and we see a flashback of how she gouged them out from her prisoner slaves with her own bare hands. When she presents bowl #2 this psycho-sick bitch flirtatiously says “They’re long… and wet…and very slippery.” He nervously guesses sausages. Wrong again. It’s a bowl of intestines that seem to still be moving as we get a flashback of her gutting a prisoner slave.
Jacques flees the room, and she emasculates him, “You’re not man enough for my Borquita, much less my Chamber of Horrors.” ….Her three daughters are whining in their bedroom that they can’t have boys over because their mom is Hannibal Lecter CRAZY, so they toss around the idea of killing her. Apples, meet the tree. She overhears them, and later when they’re asleep, she orders Bastien (pre-minotaur days) to forcibly drag them to her main Chamber of Horrors up in the attic to join her gallery of tortured & maimed prisoners. They are terrified, crying, & screaming as they are chained. Borquita is forced into a cramped cage, and Delphine doesn’t care if her leg has to be broken to get her inside. The youngest daughter tells her it was a joke. We would never kill a cool mom like you. Delphine growls “It’s because of my love for your plain faces, that you can still draw breath.” Then she tells them that she will set them free, in ONE YEAR, on the next Hallows Eve. But Borquita gets an extra treat for being the ringleader of the kill mommy brigade, “On Christmas morning, I’m gonna stuff your conniving mouth FULL OF SHIT.” #BitchDontPlay
Cordelia is wailing & screaming after her acid attack. While Fiona is screaming for an ambulance she sees a dark cloaked figure walk outside…..Fiona is pill popping, and she is both high & stoned in the hospital waiting room, and is in total despair. The doctor tells her that Cordelia was burned with sulfuric acid, and it burned through her optic nerves, and she will be blind. In a fit of motherly rage, Fiona starts screaming & hitting the doctor. #TermsOfEndearment… She is pulled away and retreats in shock & in tears back to her seat…. Just give Jessica her acting awards NOW. All of them, including BEST MESSY HAIR.
Back at the Academy it seems that meek Zoe is now confidant & in charge as Delphine, Nan, & Queenie try to fortify the house against the zombie army. Holy hunk Luke thinks it’s just a group of Halloween pranksters and goes outside to shoo them away…. Then we see Marie Laveau in her voodoo lair. She is horizontal and in a deep trance, and she is LEVITATING at least 10 feet off the floor over chalked symbols & dead chickens…. Luke is outside telling the pranksters/zombies to get lost. They are eerily still and non-aggressive. Two teen boys walk by and think the Zombies are a cool Halloween display…… Marie is floating in the air, and her eyeballs are all white and spooky, and she commands “BEGIN”….. The zombie army has just been ACTIVATED, and they come to life, sort of. Luke is wide-eyed in disbelief as the zombies KILL the two teen boys. Luke starts to run away as he is attacked & injured as Nan is watching through the window. Zoe tells everyone to go to Spalding’s room in the attic and barricade themselves. Spalding comically shakes his hands, which is sign language for “NOOO you can’t crash my necrophilia tea party”.… Zoe follows Nan outside who is trying to help Luke while the others go upstairs to hide. Nan & Luke take shelter inside a car while surrounded by the zombies.
Cordelia is in her hospital room. Fiona is sitting on the edge of her bed and wants to pop more pills, but the amber bottle is empty. Fiona walks around the hospital, and it is creepy with the fish eye lens cinematography & flickering hospital lights as a slight homage to last season’s ASYLUM. She finds the medication storage room. Instead of a swipe card she uses her fingernails to magically gain entry into the Pill-Mart. #Jackpot…. She steals the good stuff and washes some down with her flask of booze and starts walking around in a stoned dreamlike stupor. Fiona sees a dark cloaked figure roaming the halls. Either real or hallucinating, she bumps into an old man patient wearing only a diaper, and he tells her “You didn’t throw that acid, but you might as well have.” Is this a figment of her guilty conscious for being a bad mother? She staggers into a sobbing patient’s room and her stillborn baby is next to her bed. The dazed & medicated mother doesn’t want to see or hold the dead baby, but asks if it is a boy or a girl. Fiona tells her it’s a girl as she picks up the baby to give to the mother who is refusing to hold it. She tenderly encourages the woman to cradle the baby and to talk to her. Fiona is feeding the woman the most loving words to say to the dead baby, sort of a spell by proxy, and then Fiona sweetly touches the baby, and magically the dead baby’s blue skin tone starts to change back to a healthy color and starts breathing again. It seemed like a selfless act of kindness by Fiona to let the new mother think her spoken loving words brought life back to her baby. The irony should not be lost because Fiona is grieving for her adult daughter while she helps a new mother with a second chance with her newborn child.
Delphine opens the door to allow Borquita-zombie inside, and she is looking like the little girl in the #Exorcist but worse. A tearful Delphine says “Come back to me child. You do know me?” Well the answer is hell yeah as Borquita-zombie growls and strangles Delphine. Borquita also knocks out Spalding with a candlestick as she breaks through Queenie’s bedroom door. Queenie uses her voodoo doll power which is ineffective because Borquita-zombie only bleeds dust. Queenie is cornered, and immortal Delphine to the rescue as she stabs Borquita in the back through her heart with an iron fire poker and kills her. Delphine stares at her twice dead daughter, “She had a monster for a mother. This last act was the only kindness I ever did for her” and she sobs into Queenie’s bosom…..
Zoe is outside and is chased into the greenhouse, where she finds a chainsaw. This gives Nan & Luke the opportunity to get out of the car. He is bleeding badly with a huge gash in his back, and they are trying to get back inside the school house. As the zombies surround them again we hear the chainsaw revving. With a nod to #TexasChainsawMassacre & #TheEvilDead Zoe starts buzzing off heads and limbs of the zombies with decaying flesh & blood splattering all over her. How come the zombies bleed? Borquita bled dust when Queenie tried to kill her…. I don’t watch zombie movies. I’m a vampire enthusiast because they are sexy & REAL. #Delusional ….. The chainsaw runs out of fuel, and the last zombie alive/dead is hovering over Zoe on the ground. Almost naturally & subconsciously she uses the incantation “BE IN YOUR NATURE” with her palm facing the zombie. This simultaneously stops the zombie and jolts Marie out of her mid-air trance, and she slams with a thud to the floor. Marie is catching her breath, “I don’t know what that was, but they got some REAL power in that witch house now”. Zoe has no idea how or what she just did….Now where was neighbor Joan? I thought she had Luke tethered to her bible. How did she NOT notice the zombie orgy massacre that is next door to her? #PlotHoles
Fiona is back at Cordelia’s bed-side. Hank finally shows up to his wife after a four hour drive from fuck-killing his online trick. Fiona & Hank tear into each other, which happens when family is in an emergency hospital crisis. Fiona predicts that he won’t win husband of the year when he abandon’s Cordelia for being blind, which he finds out about for the first time. He screams at Fiona that she’s a piece of shit, and reminds her that Cordelia hates her and that she needs to fuck off. Does he NOT know that he is messing with the wrong witch? #SUPREME… A nurse rushes in and orders one of them to leave. Fiona gives him 15 minutes of alone time, and then he needs to fuck off on his own or HER WAY. She is itching to give him some of that witch-bitch treatment. He professes his unwavering love & devotion to Cordelia and reaches to hold her hand. INSTANTLY his blind witch-wife with her marble-dead eyes screams while being zapped like electricity with the images of her husband rough fucking and killing Kaylee. Was Cordelia psychic all along? Or is this a new power that manifested to compensate for her loss of eye sight? The irony is back at the bar Fiona told Cordelia that she doesn’t understand how she can’t see that Hank reeks of bullshit. Well now that Cordelia is blind she can see the truth.
It’s the next morning in the backyard of the Academy. Fiona is supervising Nan & Zoe as they wheel barrow in and burn the zombie carnage using cedar chips to mask the smell of burning flesh. Apparently the little vixen Nan has an injured Luke sleeping in her bed overnight. Where in the hellfire hell is his controlling holy-roller mother???? Fiona insists that Luke should stay with them until he recovers. A gleeful Nan says “Thank you” as she runs off to tend to him. Fiona tells Zoe that she likes a witch that knows how to fight, and thanked her for her great service to the Coven battling the zombies… Delphine comes outside to join Fiona at the zombie bonfire, and she laments “Those are my daughters. The day they were born, I sent such hopes and dreams to heaven. This is how it ends. In flames & decay. They deserved a better mother than I could ever hope to be”. Fiona empathizes “I know the feeling”. Delphine expects that this shared tragedy would make them besties forever. For an immortal that is a long ass time, and the immortal wannabe Fiona coldly replies “I doubt it. You are after all the maid”.
The Witch Council revisits the Academy with Myrtle in her trademark pop of RED. They are formally accusing Fiona of gross neglect and blame her for the Coven’s recent troubles with outside forces of zombies, Minotaur, Madison’s disappearance, & Cordelia’s attack. They demand she step down as Supreme until the new one is determined while the Council is in control for the interim. Fiona rips into the Council, especially Myrtle. Fiona blames Myrtle for all the drama because she did not inherit the Supremacy 40 years ago, and this is her way to get control, even temporarily, because she hates Fiona. Fiona continues to defend herself by arguing that Coven’s recent troubles are an inside job. A defiant Myrtle rises up from her seat only to be forced back down by Fiona, “YOU WILL SIT”. Either Fiona did this with kinesis or with the sheer force of her FURIOUS presence. It was chilling. I peed a little. Give Jessica the award for BEST FURIOUS scene too.
Fiona systematically begins to indict Myrtle. She says the Coven’s enemy is from the inside and hides in plain sight. According to Fiona she saw Myrtle’s face under the hooded cloak at hospital in the elevator mirror. Fiona accuses Myrtle of trying to destroy Fiona by destroying Cordelia, and she DENIES it. She tells Fiona that she is more like a mother to Cordelia than she ever was. Fiona acknowledges she passed Cordelia into Myrtle’s care, but Myrtle latched on to Cordelia since she does not have her own child. Fiona takes it one step further and shifts the suspicion of the alleged murder of Madison to Myrtle also. She tells the rest of the council that Myrtle has been in town for weeks under an alias while planning her coup, and Fiona shows the Council pictures of Myrtle’s I HATE FIONA SHRINE in her hotel room. A flustered Myrtle shouts “SHE HAD TO BE STOPPED”. She either confessed or not confessed under Fiona’s damning “evidence”. Did Fiona manufacture this evidence? #ReasonableDoubt.
Then Fiona demonstrates her final and strongest evidence against Myrtle. Fiona grabs Myrtle’s fashionably red leather gloved hand, “You have been caught red-handed.” Myrtle winces in pain and shrieks “You are hurting me” as Fiona yanked the glove off of her hand to show burn marks on it; supposed residual burns from Cordelia’s acid attack. Myrtle looks at her burned hand in bewilderment. The Council is hastily convinced by Fiona’s evidence, and Myrtle is immediately sentenced to burn to death….I can’t believe it was that easy to give a death sentence that has not been used since 1926. Plus I find it interesting that Myrtle is the Guardian of Veracity in the Vernacular and found guilty of these crimes……Myrtle was very dignified in her acceptance of her death sentence. In her youth she felt like a freak until she found her Coven. She had spent her life swimming against the tide. She thought she had finally found a place for herself in the Coven. She was wrong. She wanted it to be over. “I go proudly into the flames,” she said. “Go ahead. Burn me.”
Well time for a good old fashioned witch burning, and cue up the fabulous jazzy funky groovy “Right Place, Wrong Time” by Dr. John, a New Orleans music legend who is in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It was a hilariously weird yet appropriate choice. With everyone dressed in fashionable modern BLACK, Fiona walks side by side with Myrtle in her plain white Salem style robe and led the Coven, the Council, and the albino security men in a funeral march through the high mounds of gravel that surrounded & shielded them to Myrtles final spot at the stake….
SIDE BAR: Dr. John was fascinated with New Orleans voodoo practices. He gained fame as a solo artist after adopting the persona of Dr. John, and he combined his music with elaborate stage shows that bordered on voodoo ceremonies. The name “Dr. John” came from a legendary REAL life Louisiana male voodoo practitioner of the early 19th century, a male version of Marie Laveau. And showing that every detail has a purpose in the AHS series, musician Dr. John also wrote a song titled “Marie Laveau” in 2011. SIDE BAR ENDS
Zoe expresses her disbelief about what is happening. Queenie says “You don’t mess with the Supreme.” The albino men poured gasoline on Myrtle, soaking her fiery red hair. Fiona is grinning and holding her lit cigarette, and she asks Myrtle “any last words?” Myrtle declares “You’re all a bunch of little toads in a pot that Fiona is slowly bringing to boil. You won’t even feel it until it’s too late. I’d rather burn than boil.” Without hesitation Fiona flicks her burning cigarette at Myrtle igniting her fiery death. Zoe is STUNNED as we see the reflection of Myrtles burning body in her eyes…. There NEEDS to be an award for BEST CIGARETTE in a TV show because it is an often used prop in Fiona’s juiciest scenes.
Back at the Academy, Queenie asks Fiona, “Did I help you frame a guilty woman or an innocent one?” We see a flashback of the Council session when Fiona was laying out the evidence against Myrtle. Queenie is outside in the hallway, and she is using her pain transference power on Myrtle’s hands to give her those burns that resulted in her death sentence. Queenie only helped Fiona because she saved her life after the Minotuar attack. Queenie is guilt ridden about her part in Myrtles death. She can’t live with what she has done. Fiona starts to schmooze Queenie by telling her she is getting stronger as a witch, and that she could be the first black Supreme. #DianaRoss…. Queenie is sucked in by Fiona’s manipulation…. I want to know why Fiona didn’t use her power of erasing her memory/mind control as we have seen her do before. #PlotHoles….
Spalding is in his attic bedroom wearing his granny bonnet and nightgown prancing around to music while overusing the spray air deodorizer during another tea party for the dead. He opens a smelly trunk, and a lace dressed Madison is awkwardly curled up in it. He accidently pulls her arm off of her decaying body, and drops it to the floor as he gives a childlike expression of OOPSIE. #GrandGuignolTheatre
Back at the gravel yard, the remains of a charred & burned Myrtle is being eaten by dogs. Misty Day approaches and the dogs scatter. Misty holds Myrtles head, and then her eyes OPEN wide….THE END
Well scurrdy cats that sure was a wild ride of a show. The constant theme of this show was the complicated mother/daughter issues, and to NOT mess with Fiona when she is smoking…. Is Myrtle only partially guilty? Who attacked Cordelia? Did she get some new truth powers as a secondary result of her attack? Who is the new Supreme & why do you think so? ….. I love the semi-smart discussions so please share your thoughts below….You can follow me on twitter @Urethra_F .