There are some things that just can’t be unseen. We were exposed to incest, boiling jizz in mason jars, and Precious masturbating in front of a raging bull. I have to channel Joan Ramsey’s bible thumping character and say “In the name of Gawd, the Lawd, & Yeezus what in the hellfire hell was that?
“The Replacements”-Episode 3 of AHS: Coven is a depraved, perverted, and unnatural story of loneliness, loss, sexual desire, and the lack of love juxtaposed with racism, murder, cancer, sexual abuse, religion & politics meshed to keep the characters off balance. Visually we were kept off balance with the excellent cinematography of camera views that sometimes slithered through rooms like a venomous snake hunting prey ready for a strike.
It begins with a sleepless night, and a restless Fiona is sitting in the parlor room of the Academy with portraits of past Supreme Witches lining the walls around her. She is haunted by a 1971 flashback of her younger self at Robichaux’s Academy with AnnaLeigh, the Supreme Witch and her mentor. Fiona starts asking her questions about how she knew she was destined to be Supreme. AnnaLeigh tells her the Witch Council selects a witch who has mastered all of the seven wondrous powers. Even impatient in her youth, Fiona tells AnnaLeigh that she is ready to be the Supreme because she is old and sick with weakening powers. AnnaLeigh warns her, “Girl don’t test my wrath.” Then AnnaLeigh slaps Fiona and calls her “A vicious little gash” which is more derogatory than being called a cunt. AnnaLeigh did not even have a chance to use her power of clairvoyance to realize that Fiona was going to go gangsta on her ass and slit her throat which was witnessed by Spaulding. It’s easy to assume how he lost his tongue. #FionaTheCatGotYourTongue
Fiona is in a bar with jazzy music lamenting & reminiscing about all of her lovers and her powers of seduction to get laid. Her sadly eloquent internal dialogue about not being sexually attractive anymore was metaphoric, “The dance would end”. Fiona is realizing that her Supreme powers are weakening with age just as it did with her mentor AnnaLeigh…..and so Fiona goes to the plastic surgeon’s office seeking options. She insists on “seeing exactly how the sausage is made” by watching an instructional video for face lifts and is tearfully horrified. #Nip/Tuck
We meet Alicia Spencer played by Mare Winningham. She is Franken-Kyle’s grieving white trash pot smoking mother with a chin piercing. Her looks reminds me of Janice Joplin. While Zoe visits her, she confesses that she was about to commit suicide by hanging until she was interrupted by Zoe’s phone call. A depressed Alicia cries at never seeing her son again, and Zoe tells her that “Kyle has not left us”.
Some new neighbors are moving into the old colonial house next door to the Academy. The new twink is sweaty & shirtless and has six pack abs and v-shaped muscles down there. Madison, Queenie, & Nan are drooling at the sight of him, and we learn that Queenie is a virgin, and Nan is not. He is Luke Ramsey, the sheltered son of Joan Ramsey, a religious zealot. She is played by theater diva (or theatre to you Broadway snobs) Patti LuPone who adds more star power to this cast. #Evita …..Nan bakes a cake and Madison puts on her sluttiest freakum dress to welcome him to the neighborhood. Luke does not watch TV or use the internet so he does not recognize that Madison is a famous movie star. Luke is more interested in Nan’s sweet goods than Madison’s sexy sweet goods which annoys her. Nan confidently & awkwardly flirts with him and can read his mind that he loves her cake. Madison insults Joan’s religious beliefs and makes another sexual innuendo. As she starts to cut the cake, a pissed off Joan grabs the knife, and Madison telekinetically sends the knife flying inches from her face and into the wall. She kicks Madison & Nan out of her house. The drapes suddenly burst into flames, and Madison is wickedly surprised at the manifestation of her unrealized power. #GuestFromHell ….Joan senses something is not right with those girls next door.
We see Delphine LaLaurie’s reaction to the magic box telling her that a ‘Negro’ is the President, and then hilariously hissing to Fiona “Liiiiiiieeessssssssssssss” as she is updated about the progression & accomplishments of black people in America. #TeaParty …. Since they’re in a school, the ‘lieberry’ is now open for Delphine to learn how to respect people equally, starting with Delphine becoming the maid for the Academy. When an indignant Delphine refuses to serve food to Queenie and called her a ‘Negress’, Fiona karmically demoted Delphine to be Queenie’s personal slave. It’s good to know that a narcissistic Supreme Witch that impulsively kills has at least one redeemable quality, she does not tolerate racism.
Misty Day is lying in bed next to Kyle in her hippie swamp shack listening to “Sara” by Fleetwood Mac. She is singing while Kyle is still mentally vacant &mute while his newly stitched body parts have healed. Misty explained how Stevie Nicks only found herself when she found the band, “You can’t be your best self unless you find your tribe”. Misty is still searching for her tribe. Zoe shows up to take Kyle home to his mother, and Misty Day started showing signs of a stage 5 clinger. #FatalAttraction ….After Zoe leaves with Kyle, a crying Misty starts weirdly twirling like another 1970’s icon, Wonder Woman. Was she casting a spell of some sorts or escaping through the music?
Cordelia is at the fertility doctor and Fiona is at the plastic surgeon. The scenes go back and forth between mother & daughter as they each respectively receive bad news from their doctors. Sex & snakes did not work for Cordelia, and she is told she cannot have a baby. Fiona is told that she is a risky candidate for elective cosmetic surgery because her blood tests indicated that her immune system is weakening in a free fall. The fertility doctor ironically tells a crying Cordelia he wishes he could just wave a “magic wand” to help her, but he can’t.
Zoe, the princess of bad decisions, takes Kyle home and drops him off at the door. His mother screams in shock and hugs him while Kyle flashed a terrified look of “help me” as he is pulled into his home. Too bad Zoe doesn’t have clairvoyant powers to know that this was a bad idea.
The church lady visited Fiona during her cocktail hour and gifted her with the Bible. She tells Fiona that two of her girls invaded her property, and one was dressed so scandalously that she is worried about the long term effect those long lady legs will have on her son. Fiona calls her out on the religious hypocrisy towards sex, and says “Behind closed doors you are the biggest perverts of all”. Joan ignores that comment and says Madison threw a knife at her and missed. Fiona says she needs a better aim. The church lady says that if the girls don’t stay away she will press charges for assault and arson. Fiona inquires “Arson?” Madison walks in the room and taunts Joan about her sexually frustrated son. As she’s leaving, the church lady says “In Jesus’ name stay away from my family”…. Fiona pulls out a cigarette and Madison lights it with her mind from across the room. Fiona is slowly staring at her up and down and realizing that there may be more to her. “Come here. Sit down. Lets’ have a talk.”
Kyle is lying on his bed after his mother ambushed him while taking a shower. She noticed that his body is different now and is confused by the change. She starts kissing him on the lips the same way you would kiss someone after they bought you two shrimp dinners. He is unresponsive. Then his perverted momma reaches under the covers to give his new penis a hand job resulting in some emotion as he starts to cry.
Cordelia goes to visit Marie Laveau at her 9th ward Cornrow City hair salon that has a voodoo witch consulting room in the back. Marie wearing a black halter top jump suit and beads around her neck offered her a Coca-Cola while she is perched on a throne embellished with feathers, animal bones & skulls. Her bare foot is resting on a top of a huge alligator skull that doubles as an ottoman, and she is playing solitaire on an iPad; the mix of ancient and modern. Cordelia tells an occupied Marie that she has heard about her since she was a child. Marie knows who Cordelia is. Remember she can smell the stink of a Salem witch. Cordelia wants to know more about the Pochaut Medicine for her infertility. Marie tells her “That spell ain’t no picnic for anyone involved”. The tribal drums start beating, and we see the step by step voodoo tutorial that involves a mason jar full of Cordelia’s husband’s ‘baby gravy’, a hot Guinea pepper, fire, a goat, blood, and a soul train line of tribal dancers. But the star of this scene was Angela Bassett. She was stunning gorgeous & wicked while she sexily tongued the pepper and danced for the fertility god. Marie tells her it would cost $50,000 cash up front. Cordelia is still interested and wants to know when it can be done. Marie starts cackling with laughter at her, “I ain’t gonna do no Pochaut Medicine on you. You were born into the wrong tribe. You’re the daughter of my sworn enemy”. Cordelia begs Marie to leave Fiona out of this because she needs her help to have a baby. Marie cackles with more laughter and then gets serious as heart attack, “She done messed with the wrong witccchhh. She knows it and now you know it.”
Fiona is spending time with Madison to test her. Madison has a terrible mother, and Fiona confesses to being a terrible mother also. She tells the young witch that self-preservation is the most primal instinct, and gives her a lesson on mind control on an unsuspecting man that was manipulated to walk into traffic.
Delphine is cooking for Queenie and tells her she won’t be able to find a man eating that way, “Peach cobbler won’t keep you warm at night”. Queenie calls her a dumb bitch and says her problem is not food, it’s love. That kids with broken homes use food to replace love….Cue the scary music cause Delphine sees Minotaur man growling through the window. Delphine recognizes him as Bastien, her houseboy/servant, and is freaking out because the same dark magic used on her was used on him. He is ramming the door with his horns. Queenie realizes that her personal slave is THE Madame Delphine LaLaurie, a slave owning killer that she learned about during her field trip with Fiona. Queenie tells her she deserves everything bad that is coming to her. Delphine begs for mercy to hide from the Minotaur. Queenie tells her to go hide, and she cuts Delphine’s hand to get some of her blood on a towel. Queenie unlocks the door and goes outside. He is snorting & growling. She is luring him with the bloody towel like a matador in a bull ring. And here we go to the most confusing scene for me to interpret because there are so many levels to it…. Queenie says to him in a calm voice, “She told me what you did to her daughter. You just wanted love. And that makes you a beast? They call me that too. But that’s not who we are. We both deserve love like everybody else”. Then she starts masturbating in front of him. I know she has the powers of pain transference, but I NEVER thought about pleasure transference too. How fun would it be to make someone cum from across the room? ….Anyway Queenie is fapping her kitty cat and she says “Don’t you want to love me?” as Minotaur man comes closer to her. She is panting while his horns slide against her face. It was a twisted version of Beauty and the Beast. He is chuffing and snorting, and he is behind her in a very erotic manner then covers her mouth with his hand/hoof as she screams.
Alicia calls Zoe and tells her that she was right and that Kyle is back home and invites her over to see him. While Kyle is agitated & rocking back and forth Alicia tells him that Zoe is coming over, and wants to know why he never spoke about her. She acknowledges to being possessive of him and never meant for it go so far and so long. That he needed her as much as she needed him. Now it’s time for him to move on. But she wants to know why he is acting so different? Why doesn’t he talk? Why is his body so different as she rips his shirt open. She begins to cry and kiss her “baby boy” up and down his naked torso. She starts to grind him saying that she could please him better than Zoe (Um, no). Kyle finally utters his first word, “NOOOOOOOOOO” as he violently bludgeons his mother to death with a nearby sports trophy. Zoe walks into the house to find the bloody carnage and Kyle.
Fiona & Madison are out drinking and playing pool. Fiona is a devilishly dressed in red and Madison is in a symbolic virginal white dress. Fiona sees herself in Madison as she stares at her pensively. Fiona once was a young sexy blossoming witch just as Madison is now. Madison is sloppy drunk now and they go home. Upon entering the parlor room Fiona says hello to the ladies, the Supreme Witches in the portraits that cover the walls. Fiona sarcastically tells Madison that her portrait will hang “over there” which is a small insignificant area of the room away from the others. Madison doesn’t know why she would get a portrait. Fiona tells her that she is the next Supreme. Fiona confesses that she is the old Supreme and she is dying. “My time is up and you are killing me. Your powers are growing, and I am the source. My life force is pouring out of my body and into yours. This is real. I have cancer. I won’t last the year”. Madison offers to recommend an oncologist. Fiona does not want to go out bald and shriveled by the ravages of cancer treatment. While she is slouched in a chair and laments, “I lived a disreputable life, but I’ve done it in style, and I’ll die likewise”. She feels she doesn’t deserve to be on these walls. That she was a terrible Supreme Witch that squandered her powers & gifts and selfishly used them on herself while dressed up in Chanel, “I was a shitty Supreme”. She tells Madison that she slit her mentor’s throat to ascend to power, and presents her with the same knife she used on AnnaLeigh. Madison doesn’t want it. Fiona tells her to take it, “Do it, do it… feel my power flow into you. Do it you stupid girl”. Then Fiona slices Madison throat, and she bleeds to death on rug. Fiona has killed her spiritual mother and her spiritual daughter with the same knife to gain power and to retain her power….and of course with history repeating Spaulding walks in on this. As she lights a cigarette she tells him “Bury her deep. God knows what all that shit in her body will to do to the lawn when it comes up in the Spring”
After committing murder, Fiona elegantly sits in a chair smoking a cigarette, “This coven doesn’t need a new Supreme. It needs a new rug.” I have so many questions. I really want some opinion from you guys about the Queenie/Minotaur scene. What was she trying to do? Is he going to hurt her? Or just fuck her? Or use her to get to Delphine?…and poor Kyle. First he’s been sexually abused & objectified by his mom and now by Misty & Zoe with his new body. Is Stevie Nicks ever going to surprise us with a cameo in AHS:Coven? ….So the reason Fiona is desperate for the immortality potion is because of her cancer? Did she know all along or did she find out after the plastic surgeon visit? Is Cordelia going to betray her mother & Coven so that she can have a baby with Marie’s help? And I know that there has got to be some scandalous hidden connection between Spaulding & Fiona. I’m craving some discussion with you all…. post lots of comments here and follow me on twitter @Urethra_F .