Tonight, I am not writing a recap. I am giving you all a pop quiz. So put on your thinking caps and get ready to answer some tough questions. Actually, it’s just two. You can do it. There is a key at the bottom.
Imagine you are soon getting married for the third time in your life to a super hot guy and your hillbilly family (replete with mason jars of moonshine) and his Mexican family were all getting together to celebrate your nuptials. You have a brother you do not particularly get long with very well. When he arrives a bit late, do you..
A) Start a conflict with your mother. Then go to greet your brother by insulting what he is wearing and make him feel like the poor relation that was a required invite. Get the first blow in. Announce to both families that you are the most favored child. Then watch them get drunk on moonshine and gang up against you. Leave your drunk family outside screaming “Fuck You!”
B) Put up your best façade and smile, smile, smile. But perhaps spit in his food while no one is looking and smile, smile, smile some more. Talk loudly and incessantly about how perfect everything is. Talk to your bestie about what your least favorite family member is wearing.
C) Grab a bottle of Champagne and go down it in the bathroom. Spend some time with the kindly grandmother who speaks no English. Tell her that your Mama never loved you and didn’t hug you enough. Get a bit too tipsy and flirt with the best man. Drunk dial and ex or three and see if any of them are single at the moment.
Okay, picture if you will being at the St. Regis Monarch Beach in a private dining room with your fiancé who is a hot, latin guy, you are very Orange County attractive. You are being served by Motif’s Executive Chef Frederic Castan himself. You are the center of everyone’s attention, your future groom, the St Regis Wedding Specialist who is focused solely on your likes and dislikes and your high-end personal Wedding Planner who has made the whole thing happen. Your wedding planner is black. You and the rest of your party is white. Frederic is paid an extra sum due to his thick French accent classical French training. You have a stunning view of the Pacific. Your future groom, has just gently suggested that dipping your spring roll into the chilled gazpacho is poor etiquette, as the French Chef your behavior just insulted looks on in horror. You are not well-traveled enough to comprehend English spoken in the most common of accents. What would you do?
a) Follow the lead of your more cultured fiancé and try not to make a complete ass of yourself. Drink enough to be less embarrassed without being embarrassing. End up drinking a bit more than that. Cry and tell everyone how beautiful everything is making everyone else slightly uncomfortable.
b) Ask the St. Regis Wedding Planner for a quick lesson in table manners and loudly ask her to repeat any food terms you did not understand feigning a hearing problem. State your unvarnished opinion on every item. It’s Your Day!
c) Suddenly scream out like a middle school student, “Did he call this BLACK COCK?” while suddenly realizing that your husband, while more cultured than you, seems to be really interested to find out more about your experiences with black cock.
1) A=5 B=1 C=3
2)A=3 B=1 C=5
If you scored 3-4 You are most like Teresa Giudice 8-10 You are most like Tamra.
If you scored got three points on both questions… I’ll tell you later.