Real Housewives of Miami Recap: These People REALLY Need to Get Laid

RHOM3.2Well, after that Debbie Downer of a Real Housewives of  OC reunion, I am hoping for some levity here. It’s been sort of a heavy duty day today. Can we please get to some random mocking of housewives?

Adrianna is standing in the rain outside of Lea’s house. Adrianna says that she has always been loyal to Lea, but now she is turning on her. They gave Adrianna subtitles to says “because of what Ana did to her” (I am assuming this is supposed to be a reference to Ana’s folder of information on Lea she pulled out at the reunion and we never got to see fully exposed. Send me that folder, Ana! :) )  It didn’t sound to me like that is what Adrianna said. Then we get yet ANOTHER Purveyors of Pop frankenbite where it looks like Adrianna says. “I told you not to engage with Ana!”  Which not only was not said but doesn’t even make any sense.



So here is what I am thinking. They are making Adrianna tape this in the pouring rain looking like a drowned rat (kinda funny) and then for some unknown reason they edited the HOLY HECK out of the conversation. I predict upcoming conflict between Ana and Adrianna. I wish this show was just not so very heavily edited to the point of making things come out of people’s mouths that were never said.  I am TRYING to like this show but production is ruining it.  This whole conversation is so butchered, I don’t know what was really said. According to Adrianna, this conversation is just the release of “EARS of pent up frustration.” Adrianna seems hurt that Joanna is Lea’s new BFF.  Oh Adrianna, Lea always goes with the people with the worst character! Chin up girl! You’ve been promoted above the level of porn star and escort service girl! You are clawing your way to mediocre media whore. This is fantastic for you!

Speaking of porn, Joanna and Romain have very exclusive VIP seating at a tennis match. They are also one of twenty or thirty people watching. So relatively speaking, they are stylin’ and profilin’ at this event. (No one says stylin’ and profilin’ anymore do they? Whatever. I found it appropriate.) Romain is apparently in love with one of the grunty tennis chicks. Joanna once again begs Romain for sex. Romain is trying to shut her up because he is worried his little tennis crush will hear them talking. Romain tells Joanna she is a lousy lay. He doesn’t seem to care that Maria Whatsherface hears that. He is such a charmer, that Romain. The scene ends with Joanna looking at Maria and saying, “What is wrong with her?”  Romain says, “Baby, she is winning, there is nothing wrong with her.” It really is true what they say about blonds. Joanna could not be any denser and still tie her own shoes.

RHOMadrianamargkidAdrianna meets with Marq for one of their staged scenes. I hate these because Adriana is terrible at fake crying. I mean come on we start learning the fake cry at age two! And how old are you Adrianna? But I also love these scenes. I am a sucker for French men and sailboats. Even if the sailboat will actually never be refurbished.  Sorry I am calling him Marq. That is his last name. Somehow I have it stuck in my head backwards. Work with me here. Marq is rather sexy for a last or first name, no?

Tonight, Alexia is rocking a retro 60s chic look with yellow fingernails.  Only on Cuban Barbie. Frankie plays his recording and it is um… a bit on the vulgar side. She leaves and Frankie starts recording with “got a lot of hoes…” It’s actually cuter and funnier than it sounds.

Lisa, if you want the Boob God to “do you” more often as you so eloquently put it, don’t take the farty little rat dog to bed with you. Lenny wants Lisa to use a surrogate because she has been unsuccessful in carrying a baby to term. Lisa is really wants to carry her own child. Lenny is being all scientific about something that is very emotional for Lisa.

Alexia and her mom sit outside by the water on their lovely property and talk about Peter and Frankie’s dad.  He was arrested on serious drug charges. Alexia is worried that Peter feels like a bad seed and is going down the wrong path.

RhomleaadrianaOn another dock, Marysol meets with Adrianna. Marysol is extremely upset because Mama Elsa had a close call. Mama Elsa sent Adrianna her wedding mantilla for her wedding. The topic changes to Lea. Marysol says Lea doesn’t like women.

Lea and Alexia are meeting in a restaurant. Why? I don’t think they even get along. Lea updates Alexia on the Adrianna situation. It’s dueling versions of the story because they cut back to Adrianna’s story. Something is weird about Alexia’s talking heads I think it is the blue earrings. I didn’t realize they were earrings, and my eyes focused on the blue as if it were in the background.  Whatever. It’s a weird shot. Meanwhile, Lea denies trash talking Peter. I don’t believe her.  Lea says she has always supported Alexia.

Lea, Joanna and Lisa go out to an upscale restaurant bar who paid for the advertising. Lisa invited the other girls without telling anyone. She is trying to get both factions to reconcile. She is young, and new and a bit….overly optimistic. Bless her heart. She means well. Lea leaves before dinner. YAY! Now they can call Ana and invite her! Lisa is getting WASTED.  Lea is  outside crying and texted Joanna for sympathy. So now Lisa and Joanna are out there with her. Joanna has a tiny little handbag for a lipstick and house keys, OH and a copy of Adrianna’s marriage information from public records. Because this not a planned attack at all. Joanna simply felt it was one of the essential items she would need that night. I really can’t stand Purveyors of Pop, can we get another production company in Miami?

Um the upscale restaurant is having a foam party? Spraying people with fire extinguishers? WTF? We went from civilized to singles cruise in five seconds flat.

Next week, Adrianna tells Joanna that Romain is a whore. Like people have not tried that before, Adrianna.


Filed under Ana Quincoces, Elsa Patton, Filming Real Housewives of Miami, Joanna Krupa, Lea Black, Lisa Hochstein, Marysol Patton, Real Housewives of Miami, RHOM

23 responses to “Real Housewives of Miami Recap: These People REALLY Need to Get Laid

  1. It’s funny. Everyone was tweeting that they are not having sex. I wanted to correct each one with “SHE is not having sex…”

    This week was blah. Alexia seems afraid not just for her son. But of her son. Watch her body language around him. She seems physically afraid and chooses her words very carefully. It’s odd.

    I’m not clear on the terminology they keep using. I thought you could get all the marriage licenses you want, but without a marriage certificate, there is no marriage. Why would you get a marriage license motorized a month later. Anyhow, it seems like Adrianna has admitted to this. And I’m not super clear what any f it has to do with anything. Why would you be so mad about that?

    I miss mama elsa. She’s like Malania. A nice outrageous break in all the ugly.

  2. Urethra Franklin

    I loved what Alexia was wearing on the dock with her mother. She has been wearing a lot acid neon colors, and I kinda like it against the Miami backdrop.

    I know this show stages scenes, but the bedroom scene with Dr. Boobie & Lisa was so fake. Who sleeps with a camera man in the bedroom?

    Adrianna is playing word games with subject of what she considers marriage. A license & civil wedding equal marriage. When she applies for credit or fills out tax papers does she check the box that says married? If yes, then she is married….Leah should be pissed if she was helping out a “single mother” who in fact is married.

    I miss Mama Elsa.

    • Lea is playing the victim on twitter, I think Lea fully expected to be HBIC on RHOM and she isn’t and she is working to change that.

    • Lori

      Omg, THANK YOU! I was going to post that exact same thing about the camera men in the bedroom after I read the comments, but I’m glad to see I’m not the only one who finds that sooo ridiculous. I always wonder how they get the husbands to go along with this stuff. He was obviously not that into it.

      • MORE REASON I HATE THIS PRODUCTION COMPANY! I realize there is a need for some staged stuff for recaps but all the frankenbites this season and the bedroom cam is ridiculous.

  3. Brillke

    I really feel bad for Lea. She is taking an ass beating and I don’t think she deserves it. She is upset she was lied to because she feels used and manipulated. Adrianna and Lea would still be friends had she, Adrianna, just said she wanted to renew her vows because the first time around things were rushed and not what she wanted.

    I hate, hate, hate how the scenes with Adrianna and her husband look. They are so fake and poorly acted. Seeing Adrianna play the victim is fucking ridiculous. She’s acting like a spoiled child. The scene of the fight on the boat, fight in bed and the fight with Lea in the rain were so cringe worthy, I was almost embarrassed for her.

    Lisa reminds me a lot of Lydia from RHOOC. They both mean well but end up stirring the pot with their good intentions. I loved how when she took her make up off and went to bed she still had a full face of make up on.

    I really only like Lea and not sure why I watch this show. Bravo is my drug of choice and Andy Cohen is my hook up!

    • I get that Adrianna probably pulled the wool over Lea’s eyes… but Lea is friends with way too many shady people to suddenly be pissed that Adriana is shady.

      • Katrina

        Lea is pissed because she actually believed her. Marq should have been paying all of his stepson’s tuition.

      • Brillke

        You make a good point. Maybe she’s taking it personal with Adrianna because they were so close and not just friends you see at parties? Just speculation on my part.

  4. Mark Mistretta

    Is it just me or has anyone else noticed that during the housewives’ interviews, it looks like a concentrated and extremely bright light is aimed on their faces? At first, I thought it might have been a vanity lighting trick to try and make Lea look younger, but noticed it on the others. It’s fucking distracting and reminds me of a student film.

    • Something was VERY wrong with Alexia’s talking heads. She looked like she had a really weird neck. It had something to do with the earrings. There was nothing wrong with the earrings, it’s just the looked like they were the background behind her. The whole camera angle, lighting, everything was wrong.

      • Mark Mistretta

        Yes, all wrong.
        Also, talking head is what I couldn’t think of and now I have to live with the shame of using the word interview when I meant talking head.

  5. warrior

    I was watching Season 1, Adriana brought up the subject of her son’s tuition fees, crying to Lea she had so many bills,waiting for Lea to say “i will help you”. Adriana made it a story line. Also her husband was wearing a ring on his ring in the first season. I am so tired of watching Adriana and her husband’s scripted scenes. Season 1 Adriana talks openly about how much Lea helps her.
    Lisa taking off her make up before bed, yet still had a face full of it. Ha

  6. pdt090

    What was the point in demoting Marysol? She’s on the show more now than she was as a regular…

    • Katrina

      The show just started. It probably has to do with contractual obligation. If she doesn’t want to film somthing, she does not have to.

  7. Katrina

    Alexia’s older son has really changed and she should be very concerned. I hope she can get him turned around!

  8. SB

    I thought Alexia’s scene with her boys was really touching and funny! Alexia was really supportive even though she was absolutely mortified by the lyrics. I am liking her more this year than previously.
    I feel like since mama elsa can’t film they are using Alexia’s mom to fill the crazy old cuban lady role. It’s like they had to fill her spot or something. I would rather wait for Mama elsa to come back around than have a shoddy replacement!

  9. JrLeaguer

    What a shame that Mama Elsa has been too ill to be on this season. I would love to see Mama Elsa and Alexia’s mom sitting in two chairs, on a beautiful dock with a lot of wine and just letting the wisdom flow. I would watch that for hours. :)

  10. JrLeaguer

    I did not get the tuition remark. A school is not going to let someone become that much in arrears. At the $25,000 yearly amount that Adriana mentioned, the $300,000 amount that Lea mentioned would have covered 12 years there and since he is still a young boy, there is no way that he could have racked up that much of a tuition bill. When my kids were still in school, the tuition was about that amount and parents had to have a sort of insurance policy (the premium was built into the tuition cost) through the school so that if a child left, moved, etc. the school would still be paid.

    • FTLHousewife

      The way I understood it, Lea chipped in $15,000 and had others contribute to help Adriana. They also helped with the school with some sort of additional fund raising with more than $300,000 (maybe a building fund?). I understood it to mean that they had raised a lot of money and helped the school with the additional funds so they gave Adriana a “break” in the tuition. Maybe the school waived any remaining tuition due?

  11. Ame

    I love Lea! I would be just as offended as she is if my really good friend lied about being a poor, single mom to gain sympathy from me. I thought that someone on the show inferred that Lea set Adrianna up on dates when she thought that she was single.

    • lori

      Not just sympathy, but money too, because she was supposedly not only a single mother, but a poor one to boot. I’d be pissed!

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