Real Housewives of Miami Recap: Bridezillas

real-housewives-of-miami-articleIt’s time for another episode of Real Housewives of Miami and I really do love this franchise. Even though we start out with Joanna and Romain talking about the wedding.  There is still animosity between Marta (who has moved to PA to live with her race car driver boyfriend) and Romain. Of course Marta will be the maid of honor but Romain wants to cause some drama about that because Marta knows he is a cheater and the marriage is a sham.  Whatever, Romain. Even for fake weddings, the groom has no say in who is the maid of honor.  Other topics of note: Joanna wants a slutty bridal gown (shocker!) and Romain wants a prenup (shocker!).

Marysol and Alexia are out jogging and they stop to talk about Mama Elsa. Marysol is having a hard time seeing her mother covered with life supporting hoses and contraptions. Alexia knows how hard this is because Frankie almost died and it was touch and go for so long. They bond over the issue.  I am distracted by their expensive sunglasses which I am not sure how I feel about. Alexia is just stunningly beautiful. She is prettier working out than when she gets all glammed up. Marysol too. Their workout stuff is really attractive. I’ll stop blabbering. I just love these women. Marysol says if it wasn’t for you I don’t think I could hold it together. Production used a frankenbite to insert “and Adriana” in there. Interesting edit.


Adriana is in bed with Marq and seems to be blaming Lea Black for the media getting the information about them already being married. She claims that the author of the story, Lesley Abravanel  is “super close” to Lea. That’s bullshit. I have exchanged emails with Lesley several times about blogger stuff and she is always very helpful. I also happen to know the origin of the marriage story and how it got out and I can assure you Lea Black had nothing to do with it. EDITED TO ADD LINK TO LESLEY ABRAVANEL’S BLOG. Be sure to read all the comments!

I was there during the genesis of the story. Here is what happened. First, you have to understand the bizarre world of twitter.  There are a few people on twitter who spend their lives trying to research dig up dirt on housewives. While that something that many bloggers devote time to, these particular types fancy themselves as some sort of bloggerless bloggers. They post a link to a public record, such as the marriage records for Adriana and Mark and somehow they expect to be quoted and linked as if they actually had a blog. I don’t understand this thinking. “Hey look over here!” does not equal some sort of journalistic intellectual property.  So several people told me about this tweet and I went over, read it, thought it wasn’t better than the story I was currently working on with a source whose time is hard to come by and left it alone. Lesley was contacted in the same way…”someone on twitter says… you should check it out.”  She did and she wrote the story. Then this twatter twit was all up in her comments claiming this bloggerless blogger should be credited. Which is utterly ridiculous. However, Lesley is one of the nicest people on earth and said if they could link her to the tweet she would make sure the world knew or whatever. It was pretty fucking funny at the time and I remember it because so many bloggers were mocking this particular twatter who puts the twat in twatter.  So Lesley published the story and life goes on

Now Adriana is sure Lea Black is behind it. I am NOT a Lea fan but as someone who witnessed the entire thing go down online, I assure you Lea had nothing to do with it. But Adriana is going to meet with Lea to clear the air with this false notion in her head.

RHOM3.3Lisa’s storyline is going to be around the crazy preservationists trying to prevent her from tearing down the Star Island property.  Daisy, Lisa’s maid met a rich man after her surgery and is now living large and is no longer a maid.  They show the house and there are pissy mattresses and old tampons in the medicine cabinet. Yuck.

Alexia is having her walk in closet redone. He closet is LITERALLY bigger than my house.  That said, I don’t like her designer already. Mirrored cubes? Bleck. Tacky.  Speaking of unfortunate, Adriana has some really bad wedding ideas.  The bride arrives to the church in a hot air balloon?  I do sort of like the everyone BUT the bride in white and the bride in a color (go for red).

I never saw that Summer by Bravo commercial with Kim Zolciak before. This simply confirms that she has SEVERAL SEASONS of spinoff coming up.

Lea helps Joanna find bridal shoes.  Joanna says she is a lot like Lea but more humble. BWAHAAHHAAHHAAHAH!  No shit. She really said that. Joanna is talking with Lisa and Lea about a prenup. Lea doesn’t have one. Or so she says. Lisa does. Long conversation about Adriana being a poor single mother who needed Lea’s help.

Meanwhile, Adriana is gown shopping with Alexia and Marysol and crying because she says she is afraid Marq will back out. No one is believing this.  What I am believing is that there was some sort of a glam squad strike on dress shopping day. Adriana’s hair looks like if fought with a lawnmower and lost.


Time for the showdown between Lea and Adriana. Lea knows the facts of the wedding and yet Adriana continues to deny, deny, deny. I would try to recap all the excuses but it is bullshit. Instead, I would like to mock Adrianna’s hair some more. She is a beautiful woman, no doubt, but is she growing out bangs and just in an unfortunate stage of the process or did someone do that to her on purpose?  If she is growing them out why not tuck them back with the rest of her ponytail?  Whoever is in charge of her hair, and makeup for that matter hates her.  Lea is bringing up more facts and quotes from the Abravanel story. At some point Adriana gave Lesley some quotes. Now she is denying even what she said about how they got married on the spur of the moment. She is claiming that Lesley was just trying to hurt her. NOTHING could be farther from the truth.  Then Adriana accuses Lea of planting the article. Again, not a Lea fan,  but she is telling the truth. Adriana is lying. Even in her talking head, Adriana cannot get her story straight. She says, “I never took anything from her.” followed by “Whatever she gave me I thought was from the bottom of her heart and I never thought I owed her anything.”  Adriana is a lying McLiarface. WOW. Lea says she paid $350,ooo together to pay for her son’s back tuition.  Adriana’s response is “why do you have to throw that in my face?”  Wow. Adriana went after Lea and Lea still tried to help her. She doesn’t even have a car. Lea didn’t deserve that and I am starting to see Lea in a brand new light.


Filed under Ana Quincoces, Elsa Patton, Filming Real Housewives of Miami, Joanna Krupa, Lea Black, Lisa Hochstein, Mama Elsa, Marysol Patton, Real Housewives of Miami, RHOM

35 responses to “Real Housewives of Miami Recap: Bridezillas

  1. i really cannot stand adrianna, she is such a stinking liar. i have always liked lea, she is one smart cookie and adrianna is no match for her. alexia annoys me, but she is very pretty. and why do you call frederick marq?

    • Um I don’t know. I am serious. I just realized I was doing that when you pointed it out. Is that his last name? Ha! I just googled Fredrick Marq and it is his last name. I googled him a lot last year because I like him. I think he is an architect if I remember correctly. I know this sounds like I am being my sarcastic self but I am not. I have been really fuzzy headed lately. lol

      • therealdeb

        you crack me up, i kept noticing it and was thinking i was fuzzy because of pain meds, lol. anyways i liked him but with the scammy story line of the wedding and all of adriannas lies and all she got out of lea makes me wonder. i believe lea to generous, but she was very, very giving to adrainna and her son. i think adrianna saw the gravy train coming to an end and decided to attack to try and save face

      • So I am on crazy pills (Effexor) and they were working randomly because of changes in generics. Also I really can’t afford them so I used a Canadian pharm which sends them to me from England and I am four weeks in and having nightmares and fuzzy thinking and not sure what that means.. It was sometimes working on the US generic and now I am ..even more narcoleptic than usual (during the day) and always feel weird. I am not sure if it is meds related but I am very frustrated and I have no insurance so I have to pay for everything.

        ANyway. I notice I make a lot of weird mistakes like here/hear or alter/altar when I know the difference. I am sort of losing it. It is scary to go crazy.

        I met a crazy homeless lady tonight. I have no family who will take care of me. I am fortunate I own a house and a car. But I still can’t work. I have managed to live frugally for three years off of savings and I pulled my state pension fund. But my lack of progress with the crazy…. still being somewhat agoraphobic at times, unable to think clearly, pitiful problem solving skills.. I see my mental processes on a downward slide. SIGH.

        It’s scary to go crazy and KNOW you are going crazy…

      • Bobbi

        You are NOT crazy…….well, not any crazier than the rest of us! Are you taking Effexor XR? If yes, Effexor XR can cause sleep disturbances that may include insomnia, excessive sleepiness and abnormal dreams. These symptoms may subside or decrease after a couple of months. I know it’s scary when you feel like you’re going off the deep end, but you have to keep on trying. Don’t give up! If your symptoms don’t improve, you should definitely contact your doctor!

      • Thanks Bobbi. Its just frustrating. I know what sane is… I used to be sane. and now I am not and it is just awful.

      • lori

        Ugh. I was on a medication for a while called topimax, which is for migraines, and the doctors nicknsmes for this medication are dopimax and stupimax. It was absolutely awful! Totally felt liked I was losing my mind. It’s scary that we take all of these medications that can do this to our brains. If we only knew what is really in this stuff! Sometimes we have no choice of course and it’s the lesser of two evils. Hope you level out soon.

        On a separate note, on last week’s blog, so many were commenting on how awful they think Lisa looks, and I never really thought she looked that bad. For some reason in my boredom tonight I decided to look up her before surgery pics. Omg… She was gorgeous! Even though I still don’t get while everyone thinks she looks so bad now, compared to her natural looks, it is a huge downgrade. Her hubby did her no favors, that’s for sure. Made me sad.

      • Brillke

        Sane people scare me. Crazy is good. I can deal with crazy.

      • LMV

        Tamara, I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. I hope your medication evens out and things get better. I am sure it is crazy frustrating. You still are one of my favorite bloggers and do an excellent job. Some of us don’t see the spelling mistakes as much as the sentiment! I really didn’t notice. I suppose that makes me a dumb ass!

      • peachteachr

        TT, I took Effexor, 1 dose, about 2 years ago. One pill and one hour later I lost my hearing. For real. I smelled a horrible smell and had to get the pills w/the lid on out of my house. It lasted for about 24 hours. NEVER AGAIN no matter my problem. A few days later I put on the sweater hoodie I had been wearing and the smell started up again and this was days later. At the time, and even today, I was having hotflashes. I much prefer hotflashes to deafness. Guess differnt people react differently to different drugs. Just wanted you to know.

      • HasNoTime

        TT, one of my dearest pals was a regional sales mgr for Big Pharma and she told me to never take Effexor. It was known in the drug world as SideEffexor for exactly the reasons you list.

        Can your doc switch you to a different SSRI?

        Also, many shrinks/therapists say that if you think you’re losing your mind, you aren’t. People who are truly mentally broken are unaware that they ain’t right. Makes some sense and I’ve held onto that thought when I’ve been convinced I was suffering a breakdown. Depression and anxiety f with one’s sense of self and reality, obviously. Fuzzy is an inderstatement. Plus – anyone who has your droll sense of wit intact hasn’t thrown a rod.

        Don’t give up! Maybe flush the foreign meds (scared of counterfeit drugs and the crap put in them) and see if there is an alternative substitute?

        As much as I know you’d hate to run into Shebroke in her blousy blue work apron at the walmarK, doesn’t it carry loads of $4 generics for folks w/o ins? I think moody related meds are included.

        Be well. We’re pulling for you.

      • Andria

        Hi Tamara – have you tried taking your meds at a different time of day? I was taking my antidepressant in the morning and felt groggy all the time. My dr had me take it at night and that helped with the grogginess and with my sleep too. Maybe try taking at a different time of day? It’s worth a shot and you don’t have to pay for a new med or dr visit. I hope you feel better soon!

  2. Wow, those comments on Lesley’s blog are something else lol

    Thank you for shedding light on wedding-gate. Adriana Is a horrible liar when confronted with the truth. Someone should hand her a shovel. She Is really smug when it comes to her son’s tuition and Lea’s help. (I hope its okay for me to post her twitter post here.) She acts like she is not the decision maker in her son’s education. Blameless Adriana.

    “@adrianathereal: 350,000 dollars for school! Really? Since when Am I responsible for the school’s operating costs? #betrAyal”

  3. Puravidacostarica

    She’s baaaack!! TT I mean. So glad to be reading your blogs again. Been offline lately but really glad to see you writing and posting again!! Excellent blogs as always.

  4. Urethra Franklin

    Dr. Lochenstein looks likes Courtney Stodden’s husband…

  5. Urethra Franklin

    I love the RHOM franchise…and I noticed the slicker & colorful production quality. I love Cuban people/culture, and I love the flavor of this show…I adore Mama Elsa and her presence will be missed by me, and Marysol is such a beautiful name…..My favorite thing about Alexia is she can go from 0 to 100 in a hot second.

    • Oh I so agree! This is my favorite one being a Florida native! I love all the Latin culture also. Marysol, Alexia and Ana and Lisa favorites. I think Adrianna is a liar but can’t stand Lea and her self serving bs either.

  6. Always love your posts. This was very interesting #RHOM.

  7. Tamra Effexor is no joke so if it’s not working 4 U by now talk with your doctor about weaning you off. Don’t stop taking it…you must wean off or you’ll really start to feel crazy and literally feel the neurons in your brain firing! Consider natural foods and herbs that combat your ailment and if all else fails, try medical mj.

  8. pdt090

    Am I alone on this or is Lisa’s husband one fine Jewish daddy? He could most certainly get it.

    • Mina

      It’s funny, I don’t think he is good looking but he has something..He is cool and has a little swagger, as my best friend would say. I like that.

  9. Hey T.T. I’ve been off the grid- can’t find work and am shortly gonna run out of medical ins. It sucks. Thanks for your blog. I do not feel so alone. And thanks for helping me with me as a first time blogger. You matter.

  10. Twilly

    I want to like Adriana and I did the first season, but she seems so nasty and negative. She’s always attacking someone and yelling. Joanna, Lea, Frederic, Karent. She just seems like a very unhappy, mean person. Maybe she’s angry that her lies are coming to light this season, but she was this way last season too. I wish she would just relax! And yes, last season her hair and face were always very greasy. Her hair was always messy/unbrushed and her make-up seems to just be smokey eyes and red lips. She should invest in some blush and blotting papers! She’s a beautiful woman, but just doesn’t seem to know what to do with her face or hair!

  11. Ame

    Did anyone else think that it was insensitive how Lisa and her husband talked about the house they are tearing down? Although it may not have been their taste, with some cleaning and painting it would be a house that many people would love to call their home!

  12. Amy in LV

    I thought what Lisa said about “get a life and go save dolphins” was hilarious!

  13. Enough Already

    Tamara…sorry to hear that you’re not feign yourself lately…yes, it is the medication….I was put on Effexor earlier this year and the side effects damn near really drive me crazy…when I tried to wean myself off, it was terrible. I had to go to a withdrawal counselor…her words….”weaning from Effexor is worse than weaning from heroin….”…it was not an easy road…
    (Is there a way to share my personal info with you so that we can talk)….without putting on board…pls let me know….I can turn you onto an organization that will help you with your medication….

    For the story…I don’t like any Miami housewife….all are fake and pretentious….except Marysol….went to a party on Star Island a couple of years ago and the Miami HW’s were there….wow, such arrogance for no reason at all…even the hostess was pissed about how they were acting…

  14. Olive

    I don’t comment that often but Tamara sorry to hear about your medical issues.

    Be careful!

    I love Miami. I miss Ana and I love the Latins on it.
    Hate the Ho and the cold cream seller.
    Agree on Lisa — she looked so much prettier BEFORE her work on her face

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