I know I don’t cover this show here, but I do watch and it is trending on twitter so I figured I should watch it fast before someone spoiled it for me. I also need something to do with my hands since I bought a bunch of fresh cherries today and they are so good I can’t stop eating them and I am about to blow up like the Cherry version of Violet Beauregarde on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Since there are no Oompa Loompas in the barrio to juice me this evening, I shall type if you don’t mind.
We start with Anthony he is a medically retired Iraq veteran with a purple heart. He also happens to be a black gay man. He has been “dating” (i.e. having phone sex with) some dude, Marq, for a year. He has hot modeling type pictures. He went to Mississippi to meet him once and he stood him up. He said he was carjacked and run over by the car. Gee…I wonder what the problem could be here? It all seems perfectly normal to me. Let’s watch.
I thought I saw a picture of Anthony and maybe I did. I thought to myself, “Self, this is an attractive guy, why doesn’t he just go down to the local version of The Swinging Richards and find himself a man.” Now that I see him on Skype, there is a problem. It’s tattoos. Now tattoos themselves are not ALWAYS a problem. But neck tattoos almost always are. AND HIS NECK TATTOO IS ON HIS THROAT! And it is huge. And it is the pyramid with the eyeball on top from a dollar bill. I went to Google the meaning but decided I didn’t care. But before I Xed out the window, I saw images of lots of people with this tattoo. WTF? People be doing some crazy shit, y’all. Let’s move on because Anthony better take this dude if he is 400 pounds and has to be lifted out of bed by a crane. A pyramid, with an eyeball the size of Jesus on his throat. Y’all need to stop doing shit like that. Moving on.
Lord, please let Nev and Taylor Hicks can find this man somebody. Oh, he has a brain injury from the Iraq explosion. Sorry. Still no excuse for a throat tattoo, dude. I agree with you, though Anthony. No matter what dumbass lies this guy tells, you better try to hang on to him. THROAT TATTOO. SMDH. At his house, where he is up and walking around, he’s cute enough, he’s got a little swag. He is just going to have to live in a cold climate and wear lots of Where’s Waldo scarves.
Marq sent Anthony a picture of his hand all wrapped up. The hand is white. He said it was because it was all swelled up. Wow. Did Michael Jackson know about that trick?
Anthony also has a side neck tattoo. We are going to need a bigger scarf. Anyway, Anthony has a breakdown when Nev and Taylor left and the producers came running out to Nev and Taylor and told them to come back so they could film it. We should probably talk about homeboy’s hair, too. I hate to keep harping on a purple heart recipient that fought for our country, but I AM JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU, Anthony! Remember back in the 80′s when all the gay men in America temporarily lost their fashion sense and did those blond tips? Yeah, well it is kind of like that only he has bleached/dyed/ done something to just the top of his head. Dude go big or go home. Do the whole head or none at all. Listen to me bro, that hair is the brain damage talking. Love ya. Mean it!
Back to the story. I will skip over the hot guy Skyping to verify he’s not Marq and dudes steal his profile pics all the time. Eventually, Nev and Taylor find Marq whose name is not even Marq. It’s Framel. Well Anthony, the good news is he isn’t white. The bad news is that he is a very dark 21-year-old with a missing tooth or two who seems to live in squalor. BTW, Anthony has a really nice place that is immaculate and very nicely furnished with floor to ceiling mirrors in his boudoir. Framel is well versed on the quickest routes to Popeyes and Dunkin Donuts.
Okay, Anthony, stop crying. And forget what I said about staying with Marq. I am adjusting to the throat tattoo thing. It was kind of shocking at first, but honey, we need to get you out in the circuit! Don’t you know some gay people where you live? You are a war hero! Sure you are a little brain-damaged and your hair needs some help but we can fix this. Please don’t end up with some dude named Framel. Seriously. The throat tattoo is not that bad. Frankly nothing is that bad. Come on now dude.
Everyone hops a plane a drives through a rainstorm to meet Framel. Framel done got a new box cut and a new shirt on. He’s not 400 lbs. He has a cute smile. Let’s try to keep an open mind Anthony…I would make him legally change his name to Marq because Framel is just not a name you can scream in bed.
What will they do? Anthony is in the car thinking, well if I put him on a healthy diet and pull him out of this hellhole, maybe I can groom him into something. He’s still a big fat liar though, Anthony. Like for real. What to do, what to do?
Oh LAWD HAVE MERCY THESE TWO ARE SCREAMING AT EACH OTHER COMPLETE WITH THE HAND! Anthony leaves after almost beating the crap out of Framel. Anthony comes back in and they are both calm and listening. Framel says that when he was 12 he was in a very bad accident that left him needing multiple surgeries. He couldn’t walk or do anything for years except eat so he did. He got fat and felt worthless. On top of that he was gay and he feels that is wrong and would embarrass his family. Stop crying Framel, I am sorry about the Popeyes and Dunkin Donuts crack. That was unkind. I apologize. Now stop crying. Being gay is against his religion. Framel begs for his forgiveness. Anthony forgives him. And they leave.
Aw… they did not get back together. Anthony has not spoken to Framel since filming ended. Anthony is working on himself and Framel is seeing someone new. (I think he is lying again.)
P.S. You can actually eat cherries and blog at the same time.