Time to check out Below Deck Bravo’s new summer show that is on when you should be watching SIBERIA. So DVR it. Or watch the second showing. I am always in to consider a show that takes place on a boat traveling the world. Thankfully, I am on the healthy diet plan and alcohol is not on it so this reduces my chances of booking everything I see.
We start the sailing season off in St Martin (the French part of the island) I am already longing to book a trip. Perhaps I should not watch a show as I JUST got back from the Caribbean! Onboard ship, everyone is working hard to prepare to ship out the next day. Well everyone except for Kat and Sam. Sam is using half of her thumb to share the size of her dogs penis. They laugh and laugh while everyone else is spit shining the brass. The penis conversation continues into the human realm.
Sam’s parents own a catamaran and this is her first trip. The Chief Steward, Adrienne is no nonsense and Sam thinks this is just going to be just like going out on a catamaran with her daddy. This will be an issue.
Lee is the captain of the ship and Aleks will be his first officer. Lee tells Aleks that he knows he has been a captain before but to set that aside because on this ship, Lee is it. Aleks looks creepy. It’s not that he is unattractive, he just looks like a prick. You know how you can just tell? Well I am calling it now.
Lee calls his first meeting. His first rule is knowing the chain of command. Do not go above the chain. (Implied: Don’t bring me your petty bullshit.) Next rule no socializing with the guests, you are here to serve them. You are not their friend. Remember your station. No drinking on the boat. No drinking at work.
Ben the chef is confident and arrogant but in that you still want to like him sort of way. Sam the rank newbie is a moron who doesn’t seem to know her place and is rude as hell to Adrienne who is her boss. I would fire her before leaving port.
The clients are photographers on some sort of shoot. They are gay. Quite gay. Blair at 40 gay. And Sam is getting them WASTED. They seem like fabulous people to party with. They drunkenly decide to use the crew in the photoshoot tomorrow. Adrienne is present when the guys start to size Sam up for the shoot. They ask Adrienne about the uniforms and she brings up some Asian tunic uniform they have and goes to try it on to show them. Adrienne and Sam are not essentially competing for the modeling shoot. During dinner the photogs all go do some coke. Kat finds coke on the back of the toilet while cleaning. The big drunk gay guy is also high on coke. This keeps the cute overnight deck swabber dude from swabbing and anchor watching and doing his overnight duties. Big gay guy’s name is Something Eyelash. Let’s just call him Eye since he is committing felonies on the high sea and suggesting that our young deck swabber prefers “crack whores” because he is from Maryland. Ironic since Eye is high as a kite on coke when he makes the comment.
Kat tells Adrienne about the white powder residue on the bathroom counter. Adrienne tells Lee and the boat is being turned around. Kat is very scared about having to serve them as though nothing is happening. Eye goes looking for someone to tell him when they are arriving at St Barts. Kat is crying. Deck boy is consoling her telling her she did the right thing. As he put , “Last night big boy was up drunk off his ass til all hours of the night. If they are going to be up drunk and high every night with their cocks hanging out, what happens when one of them falls overboard?”
Best line of the show. There is a big of a conversation between Adrienne and Eye about lighting being a huge issue for his shoot and how this is a huge problem. Adrienne says she will let the captain know.
Eye: Is there any sausage out here?
Adrienne: Sausage? (three beats) Yeah. Absolutely.
Moral: In the gay world, sausage fixes everything.
Until they redock in St Martin. And they all get unceremoniously kicked off. Then the entire boat has to be scrubbed from top to bottom to remove any traces of drug residue. Sam decides to nap instead while everyone else works. Sam doesn’t see the issue.
Because the crew works for tips, and they obviously did not get any, Ben cooks up all the outrageously expensive food for a dinner party with the crew.