Real Housewives of Orange County : A Bible Story

RHOOCcast2Time for the Real Housewives of Orange County again. It seems like the weeks have just been flying by lately. I think it was last week that someone pointed out that my recap was not thorough enough for their liking. That person will probably be disappointed again. I’m probably not going to give a huge blow-by-blow unless something really interesting happens.

Somehow I was a couple minutes behind (must have paused the TV) so when I tune in we have an unlikely trio of Heather, Tamra and Lydia out for lunch. Lydia is talking about her mother, who is very wealthy. so she will be considered eccentric rather than batshit crazy like us commoners. Heather is blathering about not wanting to dislike Lydia based on her friendship with Alexis; but, both Heather and Tamra deemed her “guilty by association” last week. Their real motive is to pump her for information and see if they can turn her to the darkside because they saw somewhat less than unwavering support of Alexis from her last week. In Lydia’s talking head, she says that Tamra was straight crazy, while Tamra referred to herself as ‘vocal’. Tamra lists off a string of insults about Alexis with Heather backing her up. The super religious Lydia seems to be agreeing in principle. Lydia is trying to be on both teams. Honey, you have to pick your side on “Housewives” it’s war and there is no Switzerland. You are coming off as a bit two-faced.

RHOOCAlexisAlexis and Jim are having a piety-off, or a hypocrisy hoedown or something at their new home. While I did side with Alexis over the evil shrews of Satan last week, I am not sure what is worse… the reality people who cast themselves as the evil bitches or those that cast themselves as saints. Alexis says that Lydia suggested that The Lord wants Alexis to turn the other cheek. Alexis apparently thinks that two turnings of the cheek are sufficient to meet the biblical guidelines because God doesn’t want you to be a vulnerable idiot. And she may feel as though she is right because God was kind of a giant asshole back in the Old Testament in Exodus he laid out the whole eye for an eye thing.  But then one day Jesus came and, as often the case with future generations, they learn stuff from their parents poor choices, like gee …if we keep poking each other’s eyes out we’ll eventually all be blind. So Jesus amended that in the New Testament saying “You have heard that it was said by my Daddy, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But he was kind of an asshole, so I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil (Clearly he knew Tamra was coming). But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let her have your Louboutins as well. Because, somebody has to act right up in here.” Jesus was much nicer than God. But Jim doesn’t want to listen to Jesus. Jim wants to BE Jesus so he says that Jesus didn’t intend for Alexis to take abuse.  Alexis says that God doesn’t want you to keep getting kicked and just roll over and take it. Well, maybe not, but Jesus would. Remember that whole cross thing? Jesus is all about sucking it up, Alexis. Hey you are the one saying you live by the Bible not me, girlfriend but I think your rules were laid out pretty clearly.

Meanwhile, back among the sinners… Vicki and Ryan are having a little chat about her right to be promiscuous without his consent.

Judy’s mom is off the Bible train entirely and more of a tree worshipper nymph type. My sermon for Judy is that trees are renewable resources and as long as we keep planting them, we are not going to run out. Think of it like Tofu. We ain’t gonna run out of either as long as we keep planting. Later at lunch, Lydia and her airhead/pothead mom talk about her being a stoner. Lydia says her mom has not smoked pot in three months. Lydia became uber-religious because of her free-spirited parents it would seem.

rhonjyourmomisabitchI’m going to ignore the Gretchen and Slade stuff, because it’s kid- centric and serious. His son is still in ICU in NYC and I think this should not be featured on the show this much. Instead, let’s float down the River Styx with Heather and Tamra and see who they are gossiping about. While they are out stimulating the economy, Heather gets offered a guest role on Hot in Cleveland and Heather worries about her lack of boobs. Later, Heather and Terry and a few of the kids go to dinner. The daughter is begging for help with her math homework, but the script calls for bickering between the adults. Heather gets pissy and suddenly becomes interested in helping the kid with her homework as a means of shunning Terry. Heather must be going through menopause. It seems that everything irritates the piss out of her. She’s a persecuted Jew. The kids are both miserable and the little boy asks Heather if her parents has a lot of fights. Wow. I don’t think anyone should bring their kids on these shows. Jesus was a Jew and he didn’t like fighting.

Vicki and Brooks go to dinner and pretty quickly begin to fight about Vicki’s kids dictating her social life. Brooks says he has seen other people but isn’t seeing anyone right now. He knows exactly how to push Vicki’s buttons. Now he is telling her she is going to be alone at 80. I know everyone hates Brooks and he’s supposed to be sort of a sleazebag but he is actually making sense. Vicki just wants to get back to knowing Brooks in the Biblical sense.

Tamra and Vicki’s Wives by Wines business has a new office and Tamra and Eddie are setting it up with the wine dude guy (third partner). This business venture is going to be an excuse for a housewives trip to a vineyard or someplace. That should be sheer hell. In the previews, Tamra tells Vicki she is a bitch while on the working wine trip. Looks like those two are not headed for make-up sex any time soon.

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77 Comments

Filed under Alexis Bellino, Bravo, Gretchen Rossi, Heather Dubrow, Jesus Barbie, Jim Bellino, Lydia Stirling McLaughlin, Real Housewives of Orange County, RHOOC, Tamra Barney, Vicki Gunvalson

77 responses to “Real Housewives of Orange County : A Bible Story

  1. becky white

    “evil shrews of Satan” – great line!
    Have to agree too that Brooks does know how to push Vicki’s buttons but he does make sense about ending up alone if she really thinks he is the one and they can’t date because her daughter and son-in-law are making her pick – them or him.

    • Neecy

      I used to read your blog, but the God comments are disrespectful, offensive and just too much!!! Wow, really!!! No longer a fan!!!!

      • I’m good with that. If you think I’m disrespectful, try reading the BIBLE. It’s horribly racist and homophobic with a boatload of animal cruelty and baby killing. Actually, just stick to the New Testament. Once they changed the rules it got a little better.

      • Victoria

        Good riddance Neecy. It’s clearly a humorous view of a book that has been dissected and manipulated to accommodate MANY views for hundreds if not thousands of years. (You know the Catholics have their own timeline…)

        Tamara it was hysterical. You’re right, the portrayal of god in the Old Testament is vengeful and undesirable for women and children paying for the sins of men (save for Eve).

        Anyone who takes Tamara’s comments to heart needs to more serious reading material or (in the words of the incomparable Ramona Singer) TAKE A XANAX AND CAAAAAAAAAAALM DOOOOOOOOWN

      • Victoria

        Good riddance Neecy. It’s clearly a humorous view of a book that has been dissected and manipulated to accommodate MANY views for hundreds if not thousands of years. (You know the Catholics have their own timeline…)

        Tamara it was hysterical. You’re right, the portrayal of god in the Old Testament is vengeful and undesirable for women and children paying for the sins of men (save for Eve).

        Anyone who takes Tamara’s comments to heart needs more serious reading material or (in the words of the incomparable Ramona Singer) TAKE A XANAX AND CAAAAAAAAAAALM DOOOOOOOOWN

      • Lisa in Oregon

        I couldn’t agree with you more Tamara!!!!

      • Lola

        I on the other hand have read your blogs and never replied and now feel compelled too. I will replace Neecy in the rotation.

      • Welcome, Lola. Come sit next to me. :)

      • “Don’t let the door hit you where the good lord split you!”

      • Lola

        I will come set by you because I have nothing nice to say :) Other then if you can’t have a sense of humor about all things, even religion, then why bother showing up?

      • I just got tickled by Alexis and Jim trying to figure out what God and or Jesus would do about the evil shrews that keep kicking her in the stomach. Surely he would not want her to just let them keep crapping on her. That whole conversation got me a bit…offtrack. :)

        On Tue, May 7, 2013 at 1:10 PM, Tamara Tattles

      • Poor Tamra will have some sleepless nights now that you are gone.. I feel for her.. LOL… Good bye.. Don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.. ~Nene Leakes

  2. mygirlsmom

    You do realize you are going to hell for that blog, right? Lol, you had me laughing so hard. Funny stuff Tamara.

  3. socalsun

    Funny stuff! Much more entertaining that the show.

  4. I hate them all except Terry. I think God to,d Alexis to buy those hideous passé sinks as a joke on her. He may be a dick, but he’s got a great sense of humor.

    • terry macon

      Terry is funny, I’m sorry that heather is very tired of her job and wants an outlet,which he do understand,she is a jew and as we see from the ones that
      Are gone from the new york houswives nothing is ever good if it is not about
      Them. She is from new york.
      Vickie should hang out with judy mom and let her tell vicki that she is a bumb magnet and relax and just live. She should have stayed out of tamara
      Business when she was married.

  5. gingersnap

    I don’t think you should call the God that made your asshole an asshole, but still a great blog.

    • You should read the old testament. He’s really quite the prick! Jesus is nice though. Everybody loves Jesus.

      • gingersnap

        Wow, now you’re calling God an asshole and a prick! You kinda like those nether regions, huh?! You do write great blogs though…must be a God given talent :)

      • Well in Genesis he gets super pissed off and kills everyone and starts over. Then he tells Abraham to go kill his son and Abraham was all like okay, I guess God and he’s all sad and at the last moment God is all like PSYCHE! Which in my opinion is very, douche. In Exodus he was FURIOUS with the poor Egyptians and killed all their babies. Have you ever seen an Egyptian baby? They are adorable! Then the folks he didn’t kill he sent a WHOLE BUNCH of plagues to…that was overkill. Then in Leviticus (I think) he killed some more kids and told this one dude named Aaron to such it up when he burnt up his kids in a sacrificial fire that like should not have even had kids in it, for fuck sake and THEN he tells Aaron to suck it up and don’t be a pussy about it or he will burn him up too. And he was all kinds of mean to gay people in that book but really that whole book is like impossible to follow. He basically gives us pork tells us not to eat bacon AND gives us genitalia and tells us not to fuck. That whole rulebook is entirely unreasonable…

        I could go on.

      • Anastasia Beaverhausen

        I am laughing so hard, I might pee myself, Tamara. I have always felt the same way about the Old Testament and don’t even get me started on how shitty women are treated.

      • SweetTeaNShade

        “Have you ever seen an Egyptian baby? They are adorable!” -TT

        They sure are, big pretty eyes, tan baby skin. Little baby models. You are cracking me up this morning! The Old Testament was a cruel world indeed, Tamara.

      • Iced Tea

        I love the Old Testiment and Love GOD. He didn’t take any mess. Period. People are too soft. Jesus is like his Father and loves him and is in PERFECT AGREEMENT with is Father. Let us not forget Jesus’ righteous indignation about those making money in the temple. He used a rope made into a whip, drove out the animals and overturned their tables like Teresa from NJ. He is not the milksop folks think and when he returns he is quite vengeful. Yes Jesus shows justice tempered with mercy but he is fair none the same (read Revelation) He is just like his Father and do not get it twisted. I love them BOTH. I am glad to have a Heavenly Father like him (Jah). People need to stop using the bible for their own justification. You reap what you sow…and that is in the NEW TESTEMENT.

        I hope Alexis grows a pair and really set them straight. THAT is what Jesus would do. He never preached roll over and die. He preached peace.

  6. therealdeb

    i just have to say that vickie is really pathetic. she pretends to be a strong business woman when she is just a little irl begging for everyone to adore her. back a few seasons when she a jeana went to see her family she begged for everyone to pay attention to her and almost worship her. fast forwrd to now and you have brooks manipulate her into thinking she cannot live without him. she needs to realize her own value and that she doesn’t need a man, especially a dead beat schmoozer like brooks. he has how many kids by how many women that he doesn’t pay support for and she wants to snuggle down with him… vickie needs to wake up and see what so many others see.

  7. diamondgigi

    This episode seemed so disjointed the fairy dust, the baby car seat, shopping trips, just too much. No if I were Vicki – Ryan, Breanna and baby Todd would be ghost the next day. Ryan can’t be living in my house and giving me his ass to kiss. He ain’t running things. He is a poor example of a Marine. Walkin his pompous ass off and not speaking as I speak to him. Breanna needs to put her husband in check immediately and move the hell out or the MIL SIL relationship is gonna hit a rough patch that might not ever heal.

  8. Tango

    God gave us free will and is quite disappointed with us. Jesus steps in to beg God to have mercy on us. Jesus wants us to love and turn the other cheek…but I think he would tell Alexis to take both cheeks filled with botox and get off the show, or stop whining already.

  9. Heather doesn’t want to come across as being vindictive for Lydia not doing the exterior of the house so she is having lunch with her. Heather’s personal interior is as cold as her house… It doesn’t look like 4 kids live in that house, I can’t help but feel she must be like those super eccentric parents that you see in “Wife Swap”.
    Tamra is batshit crazy and they need Lydia to be on their side to mold into one of their kind… (witchy).. Plus for someone who wants to be friends with Vicky again she sure was saying mean things about her for Wine Wives or whatever it is called.. This woman is really in need of a straight jacket before she does some serious damage to herself as well as the others.. Of course I am worried about the others… NOT HER..

    • Xarol

      The children’s room do actually look like kids rooms though but your right I bet thats the only area they can make a mess in.

  10. Tobaccorhoda

    They all go to the vineyard where the grapes of wrath are stored,I’m betting.

  11. Tamra please DO go on! I would enjoy hearing you “preach it” on a regular basis. I’m very impressed with your Biblical knowledge.

  12. I gave up watching the HW’s and thought I would miss it-but this blog is so much better than watching the actual show (aside from calling God an asshole-but I do see your point lol).

    • janet

      I don’t watch the shows, but follow these sites and can pretty much tell what the storylines are. this is better than the screaming or whining.

      • Yes, I agree. I have been on vacay in Mexico for the last two weeks and didn’t see any Bravo shows. I wanted to detox on HW and all the mean crap. I was not going to read any emails re TT either. I have been on here for hours today reading every word. Better than watching the shows. I guess I’m still addicted, removed by one.

  13. karen

    Great blog Tamara. I am so sick of Alexis and her holy roller act and her I am a victim Please feel sorry for me. Heather is reminding me of Adrienne Maloof, everthing her husband says pisses her off. I feel sorry for her husband. Vicki is crazy to let her daughter and son in law tell her who she can have in her home. She must really need their thousand dollar rent money. Your blog is better than the show.

  14. Bogelicious

    Thanks for the giggles this AM…. I am one of those forced child Catholics, who got soured on religion…. Just a bad church I think, but I am all for do good feel good, do bad feel bad…. If making silly jokes about a silly show is gonna send us to hell, then religion is way worse than I thought!
    Thanks for making me laugh…. It will help me get thru work this aftn!!

  15. Ooohh Tamara, I live for this, bring on the religious drama! You can’t say all those things about God and not expect a crazy comments section. For what it’s worth, I thought it was hysterical, I’m on your side. I was raised in the church all my life and I get it.

  16. Nicole

    1) If Lydia mom wants to help the enviroment by not using bags, she should be driving a smart car instead of a gas guzzling mercedes.

    2) Tamara is a bully and she is obnoxious and what’s with the unmoving botox lips, that is just so weird!

    3) Alexis needs to get a back bone or quit crying about all the dramas

    4) Vicki should do whatever in the hell she wants and not let a son-in-law runs her life, but Brook is a sleeze.

    5) Terry’s joke is not funny. Male chauvanism!

    Did I forget anything?

  17. Cami

    I only paid attention to some parts. I’m glad Vicky said something to her crazy ass son in law. How the hell do you move into someone’s house and dictate when they have company? No one is forcing you to stay there and shouldn’t he be getting a check being in the service or apply for housing with his unit. That whole we ran off and got married things is real fishy. I really want Heather to stop being so damn serious all the time. It’s like she has a hug stick up her ass. I understood Terry was trying to be funny but he apologize several times and she still had a attitude. It was not that damn serious and it is not always about her. She will realize when Terry leaves her ass for a younger woman. I agree with Tamara about Brooks. He was telling the truth but I think him and Vicky should see other people. That’s all I paid attention to.

    • I do think Ryan crosses the line with Vicki; however, being a military wife I can understand somethings. We were stationed in NC. Where the base and military housing is located, it is not in the best area. When our son was born, we opted out of the military housing because of the surrounding area like alot of other families. Its not uncommon to live off base and many people choose to. I do not know what the base is like where he is, but people think because its a military base its safe. There’s a lot of things that go on that people do not know about. Service members automatically have that protective instinct. I am not saying that justifies what he does, but I can understand SOME. From Brianna’s point of view, I get it. Even though Ryan is not deployed, it is a VERY stressful lifestyle whether they are home or not. Its not a 9-5 job. I did it by myself without the help of my family. If I was in her situation, I would do the same in a heartbeat. Only without giving my mother rules. :) I do wonder how his unit takes to him being on the show. Normally, they do not like that sort of thing.

    • A younger woman?? How about one that’s actually attractive inside and out!

  18. Randa

    I got BORED with this bunch last season. I no longer watch them. TT, you give me all the info I need to know, I’m not missing a thing! Love your site!! You are the BEST blogger online when it comes to the RH shows!! Keep it up girl!!

  19. addy

    OK this is an official hell has frozen over, pigs are flying disclaimer…. I 100% agree with Brooks. Wow never thought I would say that. He is an adult, what type of relationship can he have with Vicki where they have to sneak around because of Vicki’s children. Vicki should not have allowed her daughter to move in to begin with, “as any good Caribbean mother would tell you,when you started to smell yourself, only one woman turns a key in this door (translation, you are in my house when you want to be grown turn the key in your own house)”. I understand her wanted to be a part of her grandson’s life but she need to sit that little boy (brianna’s husband) down in a corner until he catches himself. What ISH is this and the whole camera surveillance thing is tingling my I suspect some kind of domestic abuse spidey sense. I give that marriage 2 years, just wait for the story about how he was controlling and abusive in the nearest newsstand.

    Gretchen.. please have 3 seats and sit small in the corner.. your fake crying about slade and his son is way too dramatic. If this was not a publicity stunt to try to change public perception about Slade as a father, this should have never been a story line… I am over you Gretchen…

    Lydia and her mother.. no words
    What the hell happened to Heather, she was so lovable last season she was actually my favorite. I hope she gets it together before her husband leaves her. Men only take that ISH for so long…

    On the God comment, I am a Christian and I am not offended by what anyone says about God. I know who God is in my life and for the “churchy sanctimonious people” rather than get in contentious arguments with people about God and their beliefs, follow Jesus’ example and show those persons the love of God. (ok sermon over :) )

  20. OK this is an official hell has frozen over, pigs are flying disclaimer…. I 100% agree with Brooks. Wow never thought I would say that. He is an adult, what type of relationship can he have with Vicki where they have to sneak around because of Vicki’s children. Vicki should not have allowed her daughter to move in to begin with, “as any good Caribbean mother would tell you,when you started to smell yourself, only one woman turns a key in this door (translation, you are in my house when you want to be grown turn the key in your own house)”. I understand her wanted to be a part of her grandson’s life but she need to sit that little boy (brianna’s husband) down in a corner until he catches himself. What ISH is this and the whole camera surveillance thing is tingling my I suspect some kind of domestic abuse spidey sense. I give that marriage 2 years, just wait for the story about how he was controlling and abusive in the nearest newsstand.

    Gretchen.. please have 3 seats and sit small in the corner.. your fake crying about slade and his son is way too dramatic. If this was not a publicity stunt to try to change public perception about Slade as a father, this should have never been a story line… I am over you Gretchen…

    Lydia and her mother.. no words
    What the hell happened to Heather, she was so lovable last season she was actually my favorite. I hope she gets it together before her husband leaves her. Men only take that ISH for so long…

    On the God comment, I am a Christian and I am not offended by what anyone says about God. I know who God is in my life and for the “churchy sanctimonious people” rather than get in contentious arguments with people about God and their beliefs, follow Jesus’ example and show those persons the love of God. (ok sermon over :) )

  21. Susie

    Didn’t I read somewhere you were a teacher at some point, TT? What a great teacher you were, I bet! Would have loved to be in your class! Absolutely love your blog and the way you think and write. That said, I thought it was interesting that Vicki tells Brooks she loves him and he responds with more BS. Not the reciprocal, I love you, too, Vicki. Can’t stand him and really can’t take her. She’s got this picture in her head of what she “thinks” she is but she’s nothing like that. I really don’t know how she stays in business. How can people trust her after watching that show?

  22. OK Vicky made an agreement with Brianna and Ryan that she wold not have Brooks at the house. Now she wants to go back on her word. That does’nt stop her from seeing Brooks.He lives in her condo. Why can’t she go fuck him at HER condo. Stop blaming Brinna and Ryan for the problems.I know its HER house but she didnt have to agree with the arrangements.She chose to.They have said they would leave. Vicky does’nt want that.I say let her have Brooks so he can go ahead and steal all her money and move on to the next fool.Because Vicky is being a fool when it comes to him. He says he acts like that because hes from the south. So am I and my late husband was the BEST and was never like that.Real Southern Gentlemen dont act like that. He is so over the top its unreal.I am ashamed of him repeating every chance he gets to say he acts like that because hes from the south. BULLSHIT. Your Brooks the CROOK…PERIOD.

    • LH52094

      Ditto to the tenth degree!!!! Vicky is trying to cast herself as the victim this year. I call BS!!!

    • mango

      I kind of side with Brianna and Ryan here – Vicki invited them to live with her – paying rent, so it’s not a free ride — and they stipulated they didn’t want Brooks near their kid. And Vicki agreed with that. I totally agree with barbarann1957, Vicki is free to spend any time, or all her time, with Brooks. If my mother fell for a grifter like Brooks I’d be telling her in no uncertain terms too. In fact we just buried a female family member who was hooked and rooked by her ex who left her with nothing except her social security – so I don’t feel Vick’s kids are overreacting, they are trying to get her to see him clearly

      • Paying rent…………kid’s size version of that I bet. That’s at least a million dollar house. I guarantee you the “rent” is a token.

  23. RealChicagoHousewife

    I have to agree with Nene. Andy needs to re-cast the OC. Lydia and her mom were mildly entertaining to watch last night but the rest of them, not so much. A little drama here and there is ok but all the negativity in the storylines is too much. This is Bravo not Lifetime.

  24. Ms Smooth

    Wow!! the comments about God and Jesus…

  25. Ms 1dimple

    For once I agree with Nene.. this franchise is over!! RECAST, REDO .. I’M OVER IT!

    • 100% agree with you & Nene. I don’t even watch it anymore. Can’t take Mean Team Tamra. I just review TT to get the general drift of what’s going on.

  26. LH52094

    TT, I will give Heather a pass on getting pissy with her hubby. I can say from experience that when your partner tries to turn -every-single-conversation- into a comedy routine it really wears on you, especially when it goes on for years. You just get to a point where you can’t take it anymore and no matter how much you ask, beg and plead for the jokes to stop, they just keep doing it and apologizing. Well, I’m sorry doesn’t work if you keep on doing it! It’s a matter of respect at a certain point. It took almost a year of marriage counseling for my hubby to finally “get it” (and thank you Jesus & God, that he did) ((covered my old and new testament there for ya too)) ;)

    • I’m glad therapy helped. And Jesus. God would just tell your hubby to sacrifice you and marry your sister. Shrugs. Same difference. :)

      On Tue, May 7, 2013 at 6:23 PM, Tamara Tattles

    • tleigh

      Great point , LH. I am so over Heather’s bitching but the constant jokes would be hellish. I get it now but the scene in front of their kids was hard to watch.

    • Good point LH. I hadn’t seen it that way. Go to “My husband is an idiot” site and you will find many similar complaints. Although, Heather is still a biotch and a seriously mean girl.

    • Xarol

      I wonder if Heather will talk about why her and Terry were having problems or if it was just a typical bump in the roads all couples go through. Next week they show him talking about ‘the D word’ so it makes me think it was serious.

  27. I generally like Alexis and some people may not agree with me but she is being bullied of being mobbed but Jim and Alexis were getting ready for bed and she said your flannel arrived today and tossed the robe on the bench but he was already wearing the matching pants to it an then she removed half the makeup off her face. Is she scared to us see her without the eye make-up?

  28. vivaladiva831

    Wow Vikki was sloshed when she met Brooks for dinner, she came in already drunk!

  29. betsy

    Was I the only one annoyed with the fact that Alexis was taking off her eye makeup, but left it all on including her fake lashes??!? Sigh…

  30. I am feeling like a junkie on rations. I can’t remember the last time there was only one HW city running. When does NJ start? Miami? Ny??

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