Time for the Real Housewives of Orange County again. It seems like the weeks have just been flying by lately. I think it was last week that someone pointed out that my recap was not thorough enough for their liking. That person will probably be disappointed again. I’m probably not going to give a huge blow-by-blow unless something really interesting happens.
Somehow I was a couple minutes behind (must have paused the TV) so when I tune in we have an unlikely trio of Heather, Tamra and Lydia out for lunch. Lydia is talking about her mother, who is very wealthy. so she will be considered eccentric rather than batshit crazy like us commoners. Heather is blathering about not wanting to dislike Lydia based on her friendship with Alexis; but, both Heather and Tamra deemed her “guilty by association” last week. Their real motive is to pump her for information and see if they can turn her to the darkside because they saw somewhat less than unwavering support of Alexis from her last week. In Lydia’s talking head, she says that Tamra was straight crazy, while Tamra referred to herself as ‘vocal’. Tamra lists off a string of insults about Alexis with Heather backing her up. The super religious Lydia seems to be agreeing in principle. Lydia is trying to be on both teams. Honey, you have to pick your side on “Housewives” it’s war and there is no Switzerland. You are coming off as a bit two-faced.
Alexis and Jim are having a piety-off, or a hypocrisy hoedown or something at their new home. While I did side with Alexis over the evil shrews of Satan last week, I am not sure what is worse… the reality people who cast themselves as the evil bitches or those that cast themselves as saints. Alexis says that Lydia suggested that The Lord wants Alexis to turn the other cheek. Alexis apparently thinks that two turnings of the cheek are sufficient to meet the biblical guidelines because God doesn’t want you to be a vulnerable idiot. And she may feel as though she is right because God was kind of a giant asshole back in the Old Testament in Exodus he laid out the whole eye for an eye thing. But then one day Jesus came and, as often the case with future generations, they learn stuff from their parents poor choices, like gee …if we keep poking each other’s eyes out we’ll eventually all be blind. So Jesus amended that in the New Testament saying “You have heard that it was said by my Daddy, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But he was kind of an asshole, so I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil (Clearly he knew Tamra was coming). But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let her have your Louboutins as well. Because, somebody has to act right up in here.” Jesus was much nicer than God. But Jim doesn’t want to listen to Jesus. Jim wants to BE Jesus so he says that Jesus didn’t intend for Alexis to take abuse. Alexis says that God doesn’t want you to keep getting kicked and just roll over and take it. Well, maybe not, but Jesus would. Remember that whole cross thing? Jesus is all about sucking it up, Alexis. Hey you are the one saying you live by the Bible not me, girlfriend but I think your rules were laid out pretty clearly.
Meanwhile, back among the sinners… Vicki and Ryan are having a little chat about her right to be promiscuous without his consent.
Judy’s mom is off the Bible train entirely and more of a tree worshipper nymph type. My sermon for Judy is that trees are renewable resources and as long as we keep planting them, we are not going to run out. Think of it like Tofu. We ain’t gonna run out of either as long as we keep planting. Later at lunch, Lydia and her airhead/pothead mom talk about her being a stoner. Lydia says her mom has not smoked pot in three months. Lydia became uber-religious because of her free-spirited parents it would seem.
I’m going to ignore the Gretchen and Slade stuff, because it’s kid- centric and serious. His son is still in ICU in NYC and I think this should not be featured on the show this much. Instead, let’s float down the River Styx with Heather and Tamra and see who they are gossiping about. While they are out stimulating the economy, Heather gets offered a guest role on Hot in Cleveland and Heather worries about her lack of boobs. Later, Heather and Terry and a few of the kids go to dinner. The daughter is begging for help with her math homework, but the script calls for bickering between the adults. Heather gets pissy and suddenly becomes interested in helping the kid with her homework as a means of shunning Terry. Heather must be going through menopause. It seems that everything irritates the piss out of her. She’s a persecuted Jew. The kids are both miserable and the little boy asks Heather if her parents has a lot of fights. Wow. I don’t think anyone should bring their kids on these shows. Jesus was a Jew and he didn’t like fighting.
Vicki and Brooks go to dinner and pretty quickly begin to fight about Vicki’s kids dictating her social life. Brooks says he has seen other people but isn’t seeing anyone right now. He knows exactly how to push Vicki’s buttons. Now he is telling her she is going to be alone at 80. I know everyone hates Brooks and he’s supposed to be sort of a sleazebag but he is actually making sense. Vicki just wants to get back to knowing Brooks in the Biblical sense.
Tamra and Vicki’s Wives by Wines business has a new office and Tamra and Eddie are setting it up with the wine dude guy (third partner). This business venture is going to be an excuse for a housewives trip to a vineyard or someplace. That should be sheer hell. In the previews, Tamra tells Vicki she is a bitch while on the working wine trip. Looks like those two are not headed for make-up sex any time soon.