Okay this is so confusing. I suppose last week’s RHOBH was an extended episode and Vanderpump Rules was shortened in the world of Bravo which explains why tonight’s episode of Vanderpump Rules is labeled episode one, but I really hate this blurring of the lines. Sigh. Anyway we are back to the scene of Brandi and Scheana crying which I thought we got past last week. The big thing they didn’t include then was Brandi saying that even if Eddie is cheating on Leann she hopes they don’t divorce because she doesn’t want her kids going through that again. She has real tears, y’all. If she did say that last time we saw this scene I missed it.
Lisa is doing the debriefing scene with Brandi and she is not sure how Brandi will get through it and she is everso worried about her. Um, she did it for a storyline for your spin-off because you asked her to Lisa. This ain’t our first trip to the reality show rodeo, ya know. We get how this works. In other news Brandi drinks rosé. I was unaware people still did that. Brandi is explaining to Lisa that Eddie uses the same lines on everyone. This is a convenient and indirect strike against Leann (not that there’s anything wrong than that). Brandi wants to know who Lisa likes best. Sigh. Oh Brandi.
More footage of Yolanda picking lemons and hanging out with her bees. Despite her very odd husband, Yolanda is really starting to grow on me. Like an organic mushroom. Sad story about Kim and Kyle’s broken relationship. Violins in the background. Yolanda says Kim needs ten days on Master Cleanse. I am not kidding.
Meanwhile at Kim’s house, she has a houseboy AND a life coach. She may be my new hero. I need Gary to help me cope, communicate, provide structure and breathe and the houseboy to clean up behind me. Kim is hurt that Kyle outed her as an alcoholic on national TV. *cough* MJ from Shahs of Sunset style*cough* Kim says if you love someone and they have an issue like that you talk to them privately. In all fairness, I want to think Kyle tried that. Want.to.think. Also, I think this is why Asa on Shah’s apologized in last night’s episode. Allegedly. Maybe. Oh, Gary is not the “life coach” clearly he is her sponsor (not that there is anything wrong with that).
Lisa is owning Bravo with Villa Blanca on RHOBH and SUR on Vanderpump Rules. Meanwhile, Ken is furiously trying to plant a pink garden with one helper at the house in his pink T-Shirt. Ken takes the lead as my favorite housewives husband. I’d let him take me to Sur fer shure. I love how the chef at Villa Blanca casually asks if Lisa will be in for dinner service tonight. She says yes. I have a feeling she is there a lot and everyone would prefer to prepare in advance. She is explaining how to maintain the large (and gorgeous) floral arrangements to the GM. They are of course all white at Villa Blanca and white flowers in general have a shorter lifespan after being cut. She needs floral snips at the hostess station though, breaking the ends is not good. Ken says he doesn’t have much time and he needs Giggy in his pink suit. He tries to take Lisa out and she doesn’t like surprises. I hate people who don’t like surprises. It’s a pink swing with frilly pink ribbons hanging from a tree over a heart-shaped flower bed full of pink flowers. I might cry I love Ken so much. He says when they were first married they had an old swing and the back yard and he used to push her. I die. Please let this be true. Oh there is a little chair for Giggy with an umbrella. Lisa is giggling like a little girl. Beautiful. Ken reminds her about their 30th wedding anniversary and want to renew vows. Crestfallen. The damn Bravo vow renewal storyline. Damn you Bravo, Ken had me right in the palm of his hand and YOU RUINED IT.
Kyle is off to dinner with Marisa because she invited her to her dinner party from hell. I had to take a time out for a party foul. Don’t ask. Kyle’s talking head tunic is reminiscent of Nene’s bright-colored top she wears in her talking heads. Nene does way better though. I really am not turning into a damn Nene fan. Much. Anyway it looks like this will be another dinner party from hell because from the phone calls it sounds like everyone but Adrienne will be there because Kyle tells Lisa that Adrienne is with Paul in New York. Um why? Um is Marisa’s dress what Kyle is wearing in her talking heads? Kim is fawning over it and it looks very similar. Marisa has neer met Kim because when Marisa and Kyle were hanging out, “Kim was living in the desert.” What does that mean? I mean I know what it means because I too, have lived in the desert, but .. IDGI.
Here we are at the Moroccan place. I love it. I am now mad at my brother for getting the big ass brass and silver tray table. Maybe I can swap him for jewelry. Oooh good idea. Anyway back to the show. Brandi tells Kyle and Marisa that Adrienne and Paul are suing her. It is all very edited and I am starting to think there is a problem with my TV or my hearing because I have to listen again to so many things. They want her beige towels? Is that what she said? Anyway, in the talking head Brandi tells us that (cutting through the Bravo edit) Adrienne is trying to make Brandi sign something saying she won’t say bad things about her on TV anymore.
Ah, we are back to the WHAT DID BRANDI SAY ABOUT ADRIENNE? Let me give you a hypothetical example, totally unrelated to this situation. If say, someone is very good at kickboxing and not so good with interior decorating…um so to speak… that one might could, if one was filthy rich at the time…procure a relationship with a fellow with a fellow successful Arab in which to bear children for the sake of appearances in many hypothetical circumstances, allegedly. If some loud mouth was to come into the circle and blow things out of the water that have been speculated about for nearly a decade… One then might hypothetically no longer have any use for the husband. allegedly. and subsequently make obscene allegations in this completely hypothetical situation that the husband was abusive. If one had a lot of money this would be simple to do by, well by lots of ways like paying some schlub to say it on his Facebook which soon disappears, or by parachuting lots of brochures on the subject into your target area if you live in the hinterlands. There are many ways. Allegedly. This would result in the husband being left fighting to see his children while the wife and her friend who really likes softball a whole lot play golf. Or something. I speculate. It matters not to this incident because clearly Brandi said a bad thing of which I know nothing about at all and would never begin to speculate on that.
So back to the Bravo version of events, which are probably quite true and factual…Brandi had to spend $2.000 on a lawyer that she can’t afford on top of her divorce lawyer fees. We get it. Wait men are showing up.
Yolanda seems to think Kim and Camille were supposed to be at the master cleanse scene. Kim says yeah, they talked about it but never set a date. Yolanda says they talked about it three times. WTF, Yo? I am trying to like you here. Kim says that she can’t do that anymore. They ask why and she is standing in a room full of people and says “just because I can’t.” They are both asking Why? Why? Why? Um Hello, why does it matter? Maybe it would wash out whatever she is taking from rehab? Do you really want her to explain this to you in a public room where you are totally getting paid to pimp the holy hell out of the fucking product? Have about ten billion seats Yolanda and Kyle. Breathes. I hit play and Kim politely says that she is supposed to eat right now and nourish her body. Kyle says WHY? Kim calmly says, um…for the good of my body, it would not be a good time for me to deprive myself of fucking food for ten days while I am detoxing from booze and God knows what else, Kyle, DO YOU NEED TO ASK WHY A FEW FUCKING MORE TIMES? Um, it is a testament to Kim’s rehab that she said it much nicer. Kyle’s talking head (not the same outfit as Marisa’s btw) said. that Yolanda,”might not want to expect too much of her sister Kim.” Hey way to be supportive of your sister’s recovery, sister. And yes, Kyle I know you hauled the whole family out for a visit at Christmas. Utah has great slopes.
Kim is trying to work her steps and Kyle is trying to work her nerves. Kyle has a huge level of resentment. HUGE. To be fair, they are subtitling Kim’s words and not Kyle’s she has said some nice things but Bravo is clearly trying to focus on the fact that Kyle has not seen much of Kim since Kyle highly twitter
SKI VACATION WITH HER FAMILY TO UTAH um visit with her sister for therapy. At that time in December 2011 month two of blogging, I was chatting with another blogger who I shared the information I had with and explained that while I felt it inappropriate to blog…she was free to use the info however she saw fit. Seeing this now makes me realize Kyle is SUCH a douche.
Finally the food has arrived. After Taylor suggesting Lisa go back and pump up the kitchen (WTF?) it seems food has finally arrived by Kyle needs a fork and this is not Arabic enough for Yolanda. Kyle, if you go to a Moroccan restaurant bring your own fork or go to Burger King. Your MILLIONAIRE maybe BILLIONAIRE ex-husband was not Moroccan, there are many parts of the Arab culture and your Dutch ass to take a few more seats. He’s Palestinian raised in Damascus and Beirut which is apples and oranges. SHUT TUP. You are not the arbiter of Arab culture. Kyle wants to know where David is tonight and Yolanda says he is home with Barbara Streisand. Kyle jumps in to talk about movies she made when she was four. Taylor is drunk and ranting about he dead husband. I can’t go through all the Taylor lives. I will ask that you guys use her actual name when discussing her that whole name mocking thing is annoying and childish.
Lisa, Yolanda etc are talking about the lawsuit while the rest gets loud. Eventually everyone realizes they need to tune into the storyline and that the camera is not on them. Brandi says she has said a million times she knows she should not have said it. Then Mauricio wants to weigh in. Mauricio says a phone call could make this all go away. Lisa said that it was Adrienne who said over and over that friend should not sue friends. This springs Taylor into the conversation. I don’t really think she is making it about herself so much as relating, albeit dramatically. Everyone wants Brandi to call her. Taylor is talking about herself, drunkenly. Mauricio is getting involved and Ken is jumping in to defend Brandi. This is interesting. Ken said it was the truth. Mauricio said doesn’t deny it was about the truth. DRAMA.
Mauricio seems to think he is on par with Ken. Not so, not financially, not socially, just no. Maurico is not liking Brandi this season. Wow, Kim steps in and says she has been attacked by Brandi before. That should just not throw things out about everything. Lisa says when Adrienne lies about Lisa selling stories no one jumped to her defense. Mauricio wants more air time so he asks Lisa if she even cares about that and she says yes, it is my business. Of course I do! And cut sort of. May not be able to do Vanderpump Rules tonight I am approaching an hour behind on my pause feature and then it will all go to shit.
I’m going to get this one in. Vanderpump Rules may be tomorrow.