Can you believe it is already time for the Real Housewives of Miami Reunion Show? I am so ready to see how this all goes down and what jewelry Lea rented for the show. Well, Lea said she borrowed over a million dollars worth of diamonds and they do not disappoint. I would not want to be the buyer after she got her bad energy all over them though. I’d have to have Mama Elsa do a cleansing with chicken feet and sage and maybe a handful of rice.

Andy is obsessed with plastic surgery so he wastes lots of time talking about that. He asks who has had it and every hand goes up. Marysol talks about her mother’s bad plastic surgery. She had an eye job go horribly wrong and some silicone injections during a time when doctors didn’t know what they were doing. The silicone can’t be undone.

On to Joanna and Romain, Joanna explains that her mother got them back together by telling her to not keep bringing up the emails where Romain told one of the mostly nude dancers at his club he  was going to be with her by the end of last year. She spoke to the girl and she said nothing happened. Joanna is delusional because, Chile please, the side piece will say whatever, they don’t care they are the ones getting the sex.  Let’s see if anyone tell her that. Lisa says it seems fishy. Wow, Lisa used to be team Joanna, I wonder what happened there.  Adriana says it’s all a publicity stunt and they made up two days before the reunion. Adriana points out that if Joanna doesn’t have Romain she has no reason to hang out in Miami. (Joanna actually lives in LA so she can be closer to the object of her extreme hatred, Kim Kardashian with whom she is utterly obsessed.) Adriana calls Joanna an alcoholic and we are off to the races! Yay!  Adriana reiterated to Andy that Joanna is an alcoholic and a mental case. Adriana says that Joanna called US Weekly and told them that she was breaking up with Romain.  She also gave exclusive interviews to any blog that would have her. Don’t ask me how I know this. Even the rebloggers had “exclusives.” Joanna says Adriana is just jealous because she gets all the press and she doesn’t.  Adriana rightly points out that Joanna goes to dinner without a bra in a see through top to get publicity. Joanna pretends to cry and retells the story of her mother getting her and Romain back together. Then Adriana …well she sort of reenacts that scene for RHOA last season where Marlo and Sheree started that speaking in tongues thing and Nene had to come in and douse them with holy water. Only there is no Nene, there is just Andy Cohen, and he is sitting there slack-jawed while Adriana makes fake crying noises while saying “Honey Boo Boob” over and over in her Spanish accent. Joanna is calling Adriana evil. Adriana screams, “crocodile tears!” at Joanna and then Andy interjects to say…..that he wants to hear from Karent on the issue? Really Andy?

So Karent says that the only person who was known and in the tabloids before the season began was Joanna. This seems very important to Karent. Adrianna says Karent is brown-nosing. Then Adriana says that Karent licks Joanna’s asshole everyday. (Not making this up!) Andy is laughing and I am wondering where this Adriana has been all season. Is she on the chopping block if they pull off a season three? Adriana is all in on this reunion.  Andy asks Joanna if not having sex was an issue. Joanna says Romain is not generally all that into sex.  BWAHAHAHA! Really? He needs to go into the world book of records as the only Latin nightclub owner in Miami who is asexual. Adriana says that Joanna is not the only pussy in Miami and that Romain is just worn out by the time they are together. Hey, I was just saying that! Joanna is mad at Lisa who was supposed be on her side (Joanna has the Reza mentality). Apparently, Adriana said mean things on twitter and Joanna expected Lisa to jump in a defend her. Um, hello? Why don’t people understand that when you are in a group of people and two people get into it that the smart thing to do is try to get the two to reconcile on their own, but other than that stay the fuck out of it? Nine times out of ten the warring parties will reconcile and if you have chosen one over the other, then your relationship with the one not chosen is fucked. Everyone just needs to stay in their own lane! Lea has grown bored and wants airtime so she is suddenly fake crying about how hard it is to support either woman. Lea could care less about any woman on the stage. Lea wants camera time.

Andy asks Karent about her fake relationship with Rodolfo. She says they are not together. And Lord have mercy the women of Miami can fake cry on a damn dime! Karent is doing the fake cry with no tears and Joanna and Lisa both reach over to comfort her.  I don’t think Lisa understands that the relationship with Rodolfo was fake. She’s a bit too…um…trusting bless her heart. Karent changes the subject to her dear old Dad…who is doing better. So Andy asks Ana about Rodolfo texting her. Ana says Rodolfo is a simpleton who wants to be the Mexican Slade (from RHOOC) lol. Oh Ana, how I love you. I can see you have prepped for this reunion like the lawyer you are. Where did the tearless Karent get tissue? Andy asks her why if everyone is saying Rodolfo is a douchebag (I paraphrase) that Karent continues to be a fool? Karent’s response has to do with her best defense mechanism being her smile. Yes, I am aware that makes no sense.  Oh, here comes Lea for a look at me and my million dollars worth of diamonds moment, I have to have airtime to wear all this!  Lea says, “Well also looking back I didn’t realize how egregious THEY were about belittling you until I saw it.” Um, Lea? Seriously? You were the one goading Alexia into to confronting her. Lea continues, “they got so much glory out of having you sit there and suffer.” Holy Shit Lea! That is your storyline for every episode of the show!  Stir the shit and sit back and cackle in your talking heads as it all goes down. Are you on crack?

Ana asserts an objection. She is unsure why Lea is “blowing sunshine up Karent’s ass.” Me too girlfriend. Meanwhile, Karent now has her hand resting on Lea’s knee. Lisa is covering her mouth. I am giggling. Ana rightly points out that Lea has trash talked Karent from day one. Lea says, “that is something you can never prove.” Does Lea not understand that we see her on the damn TV? And that we don’t buy any of her con games? Lea is now explaining that she told Karent that she trashed talked her but that she likes her now. Ana wants Karent to tell us what flavor the Lea Kool-Aid is. Is it grape flavored? Is there a little Geritol in it? Oh how I love Ana, did I mention that yet?  Lea says that,” mean, nasty and  petty will never be the new relevant!”  Ana says, “OMG this woman will never be relevant, she is not even relevant at home!” For whatever reason, this sends Lea over the moon and she start trash talking the crap out of Anna complete with neck rolling and finger-pointing. Lea is ranting that Ana’s husband could not wait to get rid of her. She makes a comment about how Ana needs to take care of some banking business. Lea is howling like a hit dog.

Andy wants to move on. Andy says that “Lea managed to stay above the fray.” Apparently, even Andy doesn’t watch RHOM. He does go on to say that she seemed to enjoy all the drama and is an instigator. (So maybe he does watch). So he plays a retrospective of her passive aggressive shit stirring followed by cackling. Lea is defensive and talking in that voice that reminds me of her impersonator who tended bar on WWHL that one night. It makes my vocal chords ache just hearing it. Lisa says that she found Lea’s remarks offensive and that Lea disregarded her and that she is mean-spirited.  But Lisa likes her now. Ana jumps in to laugh at the nickname Bravo gave Lea as “Mayor of Miami” and it’s true no one knew who she was before the show. That is Lea’s raison D’etre (excuse my poor French) for being on the show. Ana saMMys that Lea used to “peddle cold creams from the back of her Pinto in Waco Texas” and that her problem with her is that she does not back down to her. Lea stands up to repsond and Ana says, “sit down, I dont want you to break a hip!” and Lea tells Andy that Ana is making gratuitious digs and Andy is all like, “Can dish it out but cant take it?” (I paraphrase.) LOLOLOL. Andy tells Lea to have two seats (again paraphrasing) and Lea does a dramatic repose on the fainting couch.

Andy wants to discuss the feud between Lea and Marysol. Andy says that lots of people think that Marysol is not defending herself on the benefit issue. Marysol says that until they got to Bimini, Lea had never said a thing to her about it. Lea says that is not my memory. Marysol says that Lea is trashing her business after all of the charitable work she has done for her.Lea says ”You call it trashing I call it holding you accountable.” I call it never being able to work with the best PR firm in Miami again, Lea but carry on with your bad self. Marysol is for real crying because Lea trashes her company on television. It’s heartbreaking and wrong. Lea Black is a scumbucket. Marysol was doing free work for her charity and this is just wrong. Oh they have tissue available behind them how convenient Bravo!  Andy is trying to help Marysol. Andy is tries to point out how the red carpet incident is damaging to Marysol and Lea blows it away. Ana tries to defend Marysol, in kind of a weird way. I’m confused if Marysol and Ana are even friends anymore.  A “viewer comment” /eye roll asks if Adriana is on Lea’s payroll because she never says anything bad about her. Adriana says no she has known Lea for seven years and their sons are best friends. Lea helps people when they need it. Has she said things to hurt me yes. But she helped me when I needed it. Back to Ana saying that Lea is some little woman from Texas who has had the help of a lot of men. Lea claims that Ana is assassinating her character and that “for someone who puts that much attention on my life you should be putting that attention on yours!” Ana goes through her personal history as a self-made woman and adds… “I’ve raised two incredibly smart daughters who are not socially awkward.” Um.. Ana. You should have stopped at “incredibly smart daughters.” Dayum. Ana goes further saying that Lea has done all her best work on her back. Which is probably true. Lea jumps up and says, ” You keep spreading your lies about me and I am going to start spreading the truth about YOU!” As her borrowed million dollar diamonds sparkle.  Damn those are some nice diamonds… um what was I saying? Oh yeah, I’m team Ana despite the low blow.

Andy wants Lea and Marysol to fake make-up for the cameras. It ain’t going to happen again.

Andy wants to talk about Adriana “beating her to the tweet.” The point was, that Adriana was with her art mentor. I get it Adriana. Karent has no idea about art and she was being a twitter whore at your event. Most people understand. It was sort of a big deal.

Andy asks Joanna if she remembers her drunken rants. She says she sort of does. She says both her mother and Romain tell her not to drink. Adriana goes over all the things her loved ones say about her when she drinks in an attempt to point out that Joanna is an alcoholic and…Adriana says about Joanna “In Vino Veritas” (In wine is truth). There is a long retrospective about Joanna’s drinking. Joanna blows it off. Joanna says Adriana is angry when she is sober.Andy shows some clips of Adriana and asks if her mouth gets her in trouble even though she is generally sober. Adriana smiles nervously and says yes. Joanna tries to say something and Adriana says, at least I can think. Heh. Marysol loves Adriana. Andy said that some people were offended by what Adriana said about Polish people and Adriana says, well, ya know I was offended when Joanna said to go back to the slums of Rio. Touche. Point Adrianna. Adriana says that she was quoting Joe Francis when he said he put Joanna on the TV on his Girls Gone Wild videos. Much talk about the Brazilian and Polish communities.  Joanna says that Romain”has friends” who grew up in the slums of Brazil and he thinks the slums are too good for Adriana. REALLY? Joanna? could you dig a bigger grave if I gave you a shovel? Take a seat.Adriana says that is a very racist thing to say. Karent is laughing madly. Adriana is preaching about “the slums of Rio” where there are hard working women who don’t open up their legs to men to move forward in life. Romain is a racist. Adriana says Joanna is retweeting racist  tweets.

Dear GOD does this show never end? Now it is Lisa’s lingerie party. The battle between Adriana and Joanna continues. The funny part is how Joanna continues to call Adriana scum. She knows she was trashed and hunted Adriana down but she continues to defend herself. After the break Andy says that Adriana said that she didn’t hit Joanna. Adriana says she was leaving and Joanna tracked her down. Adriana is going in on the Pole for saying she says she talks Spanglish so she called her Hoanna. heh. Hoanna is pissed.

Next time the whole Hoanna gets served even more. Alexia and Mama Elsa take to the couch and Lea looks like even more of a cunt for going after Alexia. Stupid bitch.