The Real Housewives of Atlanta picks up exactly where we left off with Kenya Moore doing her Gone With The Wind fabulous twirling. To my recollection the ladies in Gone With the Wind were not having such a fabulous time. She reminded me a lot more of Lilly’s dog, Coconut from Shahs of Sunset. The ladies return to the lounge area where Porsha was waiting. Porsha ask them if they “took out the trash.”  Cynthia seems to stick up for Kenya little bit in her talking head, but trust me that is about to change.

In Kenya’s room, she is explaining to Walter what happened while tending to her facial skin issues. We didn’t need to see that. Kenya is ranting at poor Walter about how she is part of history who opened the door for people like that little girl Porsha to try to become relevant. Walter is legit trying not to laugh his face off. You can tell he has gotten into this situation without realizing he is in over his head and Kenya is straight up some kind of crazy. In her talking heads Kenya is still going on about how she is part of history just like Obama and Clinton and Kennedy. No I am not exaggerating she actually just said that. Kenya is ranting that all Porsha has done is “lay on her back and got a ring for it.” Kenya has been on her back a ton and she’s begging every man who walks by for a ring and can’t get one. 

Among the girls Nene is calling Kenya out. Nene says “ain’t nobody thinking back to ’93!” Phaedra on the other hand is trying to defend Kenya. The next day Nene goes to tell Kandi the story. Kandi is doing some bad surprised acting. You can tell this about “take twelve.” Then there is a weird editing jump in the conversation and Nene says that she heard that Kandi said that Nene’s ladies of success event had a motive behind it. Kandi says it’s true, she did say that.  The two sort of agree that they don’t have a strong connection. The two agree to get along despite past differences. That was a really strange conversation that didn’t go with anything.I have never seen a man so ready to go home as Walter. Kenya is still grinning in her talking heads, which were filmed after they returned from Anguilla telling us there is still one more day for “here comes the bride.” Which she clearly knows not only didn’t happen, but was never going to happen. In fact at the point where she gave this talking head, I would lay a bet that Walter was already gone. Back on the island Walter is trying to calm down the beast, but Kenya says she has to say something to the ladies first. So before they set out, Kenya wants to address the ladies, because Kenya always has to take the floor. Kenya actually apologizes. But then she does not just shut up. She then goes on to justify her behavior. Meanwhile they keep cutting to the guys waiting in the van they are commiserating amongst themselves. Nene says in her talking head about Kenya, “that’s not how you apologize!”  Kenya continues to Coconut walk out the door whenever she leaves a room. Those two bitches have a lot in common.

Finally, they whole clan makes it to the beach for a luncheon over the water. Kordell for some weird reason (script) asks the girls if they got everything resolved. Kenya says she said everything she wanted to say about that. (She leaves out the part where she would not let anyone else speak to her.) Then Kenya has a present for Cynthia. It’s a book that her very good friend (lol) Vanessa Williams wrote together with her mother called You Have No Idea. Oh Lord. Do I need to mention that this is Cynthia’s vow renewal trip that Kenya was not even invited on? Cynthia tries to ignore the problem. The platform they are eating on out over the water is starting to get caught up in the tide that is quickly rolling in. Porsha and Kordell stand up for a moment and kiss  and Kordell tells Porsha he loves her which infuriates Kenya so she starts making kissy faces at Walter. His response was, ” You’re going to have to wait, babe.” I assume this is because that right side of her face she was poking and prodding all night is facing his direction. I assume she is still waiting. Kenya’s delusion talking heads about Walter flirting with her are hysterically intermixed during this entire episode.

Suddenly, Peter is riding a horse looking like the Old Spice guy out into the water. The four old school girls take off for horseback riding. They show Nene afraid to get on the horse and then BAM! More wild editing lands us on Kenya and Cynthia walking and talking on the beach. Cynthia is calm and seems to be wanting to clear the air. She explains that Kenya ’s behavior at her agency was disrespectful.

Weird edit takes us Nene riding the horse. She doesn’t like it. She talks in her talking head about the fact she has ridden a horse, just not one with four legs. /groan. Then, as often happens when one is horseback riding on a beach a man walks by with a tray full of free drinks and so Nene jumps off and downs one. Oh she also said she is going to remarry Gregg just as soon as all the bankruptcy stuff is over. Okay she left off the last part but it was implied.

Back to Kenya and Cynthia, Kenya is now saying she was just trying to offer helpful advice to the models and that the cootchie crack girl called her up and told her thank you so much for embarassing me on national TV helping me see the error of my ways. Y’all buying that story? Neither is Cynthia. Cynthia says that is strange because I had lots of girls call me up and say that they had been to calls at my agency before and they had never been embarrassed or treated badly. Kenya responds by saying that she handles people differently. It looks like Cynthia is realizing Kenya is not going to apologize. Kandi and Nene hear their voices getting louder and get closer to watch. This of course fuels Kenya (more cameras!) who start screeching and then pretends to fall out right there in the sand. Kenya is rolling in the sand and then runs off laughing hysterically screaming make it stop. It ends with Kenya running into Cynthia hugging her. Yes, I know what I typed made no sense. I can only report what is happening on my TV. I should have probably drank for this.  Kenya’s talking head is now saying she is glad they had a mature conversation and she is going to give Cynthia another chance. Again, nonsensical. I’m not sure this production crew really knows how funny the editing is, but trust me, it is.

Now we are at the final dinner. There is a random talking head about Kenya being ready for lots of babies. At the table Kenya points out that she and Walter match. He is wearing a pink shirt she is wearing a yellow dress with pink flowers and a white flower behind her left ear. Walter says the matching was unintentional. Kenya says yes but they are wedding colors. And perhaps on Planet Kenya, the bride wears floral and the groom wears pink. Kenya starts to refer to a conversation she had with Walter about getting married. Peter asks for all the guys to stand up. Peter says something nice about all the couples. When he gets to Walter and Kenya he says, ” Peter says he just met them and he didn’t believe they were a couple. Then a little birdie told him that he has three days to pop the question!” I must say, Peter is getting really good with his scripts. He pulled that off like a champ. Walter on the other hand seems flustered. He tries to go along with what Porsha is saying. He said, “Um, yeah, I said anything could happen. So let me go at my own pace!” He looks like a kitten cornered by a pit bull.  Everyone is telling their engagement story. Each is worse than the one before. Apollo proposed by putting the ring in his mouth and trying to kiss it into hers. Ew. Doesn’t sound like that went well. I hope he was making that up for the cameras.  Kordell and Porsha are sharing their story. It’s cute.

Kenya looks like she is about to cry. The food has come and she has lost her appetite. She slinks off and Walter goes after her. So now they have a two-shot and Kenya is doing her fake cry with all the cameras on her. Walter is making it clear to Kenya that she is not going to get pressured into an elopement. Kenya is unhappy with Walter’s script and has a hissyfit and heads to the bus. Walter is going to go back and eat. I’m sure Kenya will be missing the camera and back at the table in 3…2…1.

Kenya gets ANOTHER talking head so her plan is working. In Anguilla she is sitting on the curb crying with her own private camera. The script for the table with Walter and the others was totally uninteresting. Phaedra’s script says she is still on Kenya’s side so she goes out to comfort her. Kenya’s crying scenes are laughable. Apollo comes out. Why? Who wrote this scene? Since when do husbands join two girls crying over men? Didn’t he just say on the bus earlier he tries to avoid all that drama? Anyway the scene ends with Apollo and Phaedra walking Kenya back toward the group.

Also Where was the scene where Phaedra says “I’ve had enough of this!” and walks off pulling at her sound pack? Did that hit the cutting room floor only to be replaced with “I’ve lost my appetite” and slinking off in the other direction? Did I miss something while I was typing? Because to me it looked like two different exits.

At any rate, Kenya is succeeding at her goal of making everything about her.