Real Housewives of Miami Recap: “Lea”ve Me Alone!

RHOMKarentOkay, now that I have had my Howie Mandel fix, I am ready to recap The Real Housewives of Miami. Let’s make this quick and dirty like a Joanna Krupa blowjob in a movie theater, shall we?  Already the help is disturbed.

I feel like we missed something. The editing picks up the next morning. Lea says if Karent’s relationship is real, why would she just not say so.  Karent suddenly goes in on Alexia’s relationship with her husband saying there are rumors all over town it is not real. Um, they are really married, Karent and you are really playing a role on TV with a telenova actor. There are all sorts of permeations of marriages out there, but very few people go on a reality show pretending to have a boyfriend. It’s basically you and Kenya Moore. That does not put you in the best company. Joanna seems to think she should Karent should just go after everyone else’s relationship in relation like Alexia’s or Marysol’s but not Joannas. Gigglesnort.  Or Lea’s who has had its share of tabloid fodder. Wasn’t Lea right there egging Alexia on to tell Karent? How is she getting a pass on this? Why is everyone so intimidated by Lea?

Joanna calls Alexia’s husband gay and even Lea defends that. Good grief. How much deflection can we have before breakfast? Lea is clearly not even pretending to be on Karent’s side. Lea essentially says we all know you are in a fake relationship for the show inasmuch as she can say that with cameras rolling. Karent comes back with Roy being a weak ass husband. Lea is not amused. But it seems to be true.

Mama Elsa is called for advice and she asked them why it was their place to say anything to Karent. I love Mama Elsa. Meanwhile the weather is awful so the women are all going to be stuck together in close quarters. Mama Elsa wonders why Alexia would get involved in this. I love Alexia and she is feeling like she made a mistake.

Lea looks amazing in her turbans and over the top jewelry as she and Lisa have a heart to heart over having a baby. Lisa has had miscarriages and even used a surrogate and it didn’t work. Lea is encouraging. She says let go of the past and keep trying all the options. Lisa cried.

RHOMjoannasleptwithamillionpeoplegifI have no idea why housewives can’t drive golf carts. They all look like a bunch of expats on a Saudi compound with their headscarves. They go to a local conch stand in spangley frocks and heels. Joanna usurps Marisol in her talking head admitting what we all know. She’s never eaten conch but she’s eaten a lot of cock. She actually says that. Okay I admit the “a lot” part I added in but it was implied.  At the Cock Conch Shack, Marysol realizes she is ready to finalize her divorce.

Karent’s Dad is having some sort of medical emergency. Karent is dramatic and can’t leave until the next day. It feels like a telenova audition to me. Whatever.

The rest of the girls all go to dinner and Lisa wants to know what Tequila and vodka tastes like together. Dinner at the Bimini Bay Resort, which can actually afford to comp the ladies for free publicity and they are getting a lot of it. Totally worth two house rentals and some meals. Meanwhile, Alexia, Ana and her that side is saying Karent never owns up to anything. So Joanna lies through her teeth. Joanna claims that “Elaine” called her today “to check up on us” and said that  Marysol never apologized to “her.”  Um first of all it would be James calling, Elaine is a stage act. Secondly, James would have called Lea,not some alleged hooker that he just me. So to quote Brandi Glanville, “Shut the fuck up, Joanna, you prostitution whore!”  What so I through a bit of Teresa Giudice in there, I am starting to miss her. We saw the office scene. We saw Marysol apologize. So Lea jumps in and says that Marysol needed to apologize. And we are going back to this again. Lisa and Marysol’s business relationship is not any of these bitches business. Lisa herself said the same thing. Joanna says at the dinner table that she heard Alexia’s husband is gay. This will not go well.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE this picture of MarysolLea and Marysol are going to line by line go through their issues? Really? Okay.Marysol thinks Elaine overshadows events, distracts from the focus and is too expensive. That’s it. Let’s hear what Lea wants to say now to defend yet another asshole bullying male, who if he wants to be considered female, should not act like the biggest dick in Miami. Lea says that Marysol’s girl passed out “handfuls” wristbands to commoners teenyboppers to come in and listen to Lil Wayne and bop up and down in front her thousand dollar a plate guests for his performance. Marysol denies this. Even if true, I would think some Lil Wayne fans would add some ambiance to a bunch of old rich fucks who likely had never heard of Lil Wayne. What’s the problem? Lil Wayne is not in the wheelhouse of the elderly rich folk who attend Lea’s Gala. Good PR move if you ask me.

The next year Lea says… WAIT WAIT WAIT.. why is she still hiring Marysol after she let black people teenyboppers into her Gala? Sigh, so the next year…Marysol’s girl pushed people off of the red carpet list to allow other people on, presumably, “Elaine.” Um you think? Do you really want Elaine Lancaster to be the face of the Gala over actual celebrities? No, honey, just know. Ideas like that are why you needed to hire Marysol in the first place.  Then Pharell supposedly complained that women were stalking him at the Gala. Really? Pharell is not used to being accosted at an event? Really? I don’t get the editing about Marysol saying he was prearranged to do an event with People, but really Lea. What is the real issue here because it is NOT Marysol’s PR abilities.  Lea says Pharell never agreed to the People interview. Marysol says there was no one there to identify the donors. Lea is a bitch.

During the end of this drama, Karent, who was supposed to be too upset about her sick father enters, because how the hell is she going to miss the camera time? She sobs through a “I just want you guys to enjoy your dinner while I freak out about my Dad. NOTICE ME!”  Karent leaves. Lea goes back in on Marysol. Marysol speaks up and says, look, I got you in national press for the first time ever, you loved it. Lea pretends her press was fine before Marysol. Marysol finally says, look, you seem to think your Gala makes my business when clearly my business makes your Gala. TRUTH. Marysol says she thought they resolved it by not working together again. Marysol is A-OK about not working with Lea. But Lea is the hit dog and she won’t stop howling at a dinner, in Bimini with half a dozen or so other women. Adriana decides she wants to talk about things she has no idea about. Ana finally can’t stand it. The voice of reason speaks. Ana as a lawyer tries to hint Lea is defaming her business. Lea shuts up. FINALLY.

So we are going to take the ladies to the healing hole? The what? And Lea is backtracking now that Ana spoke up. So they hug. Lea says I know I am the stronger  person, and I know that she has grounds for a lawsuit (okay she didn’t say that, it was implied like a Joanna being a hooker (allegedly!!!) so they hug it out.

I was not excited about any jewelry but I forgive Lea because I don’t travel with anything but my bangles and sometimes depending on the country I leave them at home too. Too much trouble.

So what did you think my tattlees?


Filed under Ana Quincoces, Elsa Patton, Joanna Krupa, Lea Black, Lisa Hochstein, Marysol Patton, Real Housewives of Miami, RHOM

25 responses to “Real Housewives of Miami Recap: “Lea”ve Me Alone!

  1. Catie Menzie

    The real problem with Lea is the fact that the teenyboppers (black people) showed up at a white event! I’m so tired of uppity whites and I’m white! I’ve had it! And, Elaine is obnoxious. I love Marasol and is the only person on the show with a brain for business and strong work ethic!

  2. michelle

    I wonder why everyone is afraid of Lea?Maybe shes at the highest echelon of the socialite spectrum and she can ruin their status?I don’t know but I had to turn the volume down when she was going at Karent (calling her Karen).She made sense but but that high pitch of hers!I was waiting for someone to yell STFU! I love Mama Elsa she was right about the storm and and was right to tell those grownass woman to stop gossiping. She was so cute on WWHL.

  3. redredrobin

    So over all these ladies but especially Lea. She’s bossy and holds grudges. Like a dog with a bone. Will be so glad when this season is over so I can detach.

    • bsbfankaren

      I’m thinking Lea’s husband’s money and celebrity attorney status keeps most of the ladies from wanting to get on her bad side. I do find it curious that Karent complained that Lea never had anything nice to say to her, then behaved like they were best friends in Bimini. Very curious.

  4. victori0us

    These Miami bitches just aren’t likable. Not one. I’m now tired of hearing about Lisa’s fertility too. Bitch u have everything. How about being poor and infertile? Tired of hearing her fucking whine.

    • When you have a vagina, you can have an opinion on fertility issues. But you don’t so shut up.

    • victori0us

      Look plenty of women have the same problems without a fraction of the resources. When you have been blessed so much I don’t think it’s right proper to complain because you don’t have it all. She is not the only woman that has struggled to have a baby, but she’s blessed enough to have money to try anything. Most women don’t have that kind of hope.

    • She is right! They aren’t very likeable! All a bit too plastic, loud, obnoxious and self-centered.. I do like Marysol and the attorney getting the divorce (forget her name). Love Elsa. Least favs? Lea and Joanna. Major loosers and self centered asswipes. I want to punch Lea in the throat every time she opens her big loud mouth Joanna? Just want to bitch slap her arrogant beautiful botoxed face.

  5. Vp

    Marosol is the epitome of composure.

  6. Another great recap T-keep em coming. Your blog is a fun escape. You should be a comedienne. Kathy Griffin has nothing as good as what you say about the HW’s.

  7. smooches

    mentioning the black people part had me wondering if you are hinting at Lea being racist…is that the case or am I reading too much into it? and if I’m not reading too much how does Kim Z get a pass?

  8. DJ

    If Lea was a racist, she wouldn’t have invited “black people” to perform at her gala. I don’t understand why that “black people” remark was made in the first place.

    • bsbfankaren

      No one said Lea was racist, but that doesn’t mean she wants a bunch of young rap fans at her formal event. I think it’s likely more a little classism and perhaps some bigotry, and not racism. As I recall the housekeeper she is supporting is an Afro-Latina.

    • Katrina

      The white people at the gala, had a problem with black groupies being at the party. It could be a black/white issue or it could be a class issue. Now, you can draw your own conclusions. Most people are color blind when it comes to Famous Black people, until they do something wrong. Lil Wayne was there to make the gala money.

  9. Collin

    Lisa Hochstein looks like Chad Michaels

  10. bsbfankaren

    By the way, I too felt that Karent showed up at the dinner just to get a little more camera time.

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