Real Housewives of Miami has been on for ten minutes and I am just now starting the blog. So far we are getting ready for the big lingerie party with the slap heard round the world.  Adrianna told most of the others that Karent gave an interview to the lovely Lesley Abravanel of the Miami Herald saying that she is doing housewives to prove that Miami has intelligent beautiful woman (like her) and that she said bad things about them having botox for brains and being attention whores. Attention whores? On a Real Housewives franchise? No WAY!  And who is the one doing all the interviews, Karent? Ms. Abravanel says that the “botox for brains” comment was her editorial not Karent’s words. In fact, you can read the blog here and see that the only quote from Karent was, “I’ll kill them with kindness.” Not trying to take Karent’s side ever, but apparently neither Karent or Adrianna have above average reading comprehension skills.

Alexia’s house is beautiful and it seems like someone will be stopping by to visit her in every episode. I like her. I don’t understand why she is not a full housewife this season, she has as much storyline as anyone else. But enough with the girlfriend chat over sangria by the pool. Let’s get to Joe Francis showing up and Joanna getting the bitch slap!

Oh lord. It’s a Joanna photoshoot to spread her legs awareness for…um.. animals. Because there are a lot of animals in the world. Or something. The motto is “Grow your own fur let the animals keep theirs.”  Joanna has just had someone stuff a wig in her panties. I’m not kidding. I suppose that was her “fur”. Joanna is illiterate and a shining example of the PETA organization. Joanna is now waving her furry crotch at the dog. Marta’s response was “Stop it! Poor dog!” and I whole-heartedly agree. This campaign was either a Bravo stunt or scrubbed because I can’t find any pictures of it online.  In one of those quick clips between commercials later on in the show, Joanna once again goes after Kim Kardashian. Plenty of people don’t care for Kim K, but for Joanna it’s her religion, she boycotts her stores and bad mouths her publicly at every opportunity. Jealous much?

Lea’s husband is quite attractive as wealthy older men go. I don’t think that the Goodman trial is exactly the sort of thing we need to discuss on a Bravo reality show. It’s a very serious case and should not be taken lightly.

Next up there are lots of scenes where the girls go shopping for lingerie to wear at a party with over 800 guests (and nationally televised). Ana Q is the only sane one who says she’s not really comfortable doing that. I’m already predicting that the slap will not occur until the next episode which for reasons unknown will be aired on Sunday. Can I just say these Miami homes put every other franchise including Beverly Hills to shame? They are breathtaking.

I love Mama Elsa. End of discussion.

The Boob God is freaking out because it’s almost time for the party and lots of  the staff isn’t there yet. Lisa seems very calm and confident in pulling this event off at her house. Lea shows up with James (aka Elaine Lancaster) and her “very close friend Joe Francis” of Girls Gone Wild fame. Marysol has on a fur shrug with a long dress and looks stunning. This should freak Joanna out. LOL right as I type, Joanna is asking how Marysol could possibly wear fun knowing she was going to be there! How could she disrespect her beliefs! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Because you don’t believe in fur no one should wear it in your presence? Get over yourself Joanna. Gotta love Marysol for calling Karent Joanna’s “carrier pigeon”. Marysol says, “So I unrolled the message from her leg and it said, ‘You’re in trouble for wearing fur!” Best line of the night. It looks Lea is wearing feathers but Joanna will not say a word to Lea.Joe Francis wastes no time in telling Lea, Marysol and Karent, the carrier pigeon, that he slept with both Joanna and Marta (not at the same time, the pigeon asked). And suddenly more than Lea’s feathers are flying as the carrier pigeon is about to take of with another message. I actually have not even seen this part yet, the show is on pause, but I feel confident it will be less than 30 seconds before the pigeon lands on Joanna who is after all her only ally.

Lea calls Lisa’s hot strappy outfit hilarious. Actually, Lisa looked fantastic. I am starting to come around to her. Lisa who really wanted to impress the Mayor of Miami is hurt. In her talking head, she points point that Lea was wearing some number with a ridiculous amount of feathers.

The carrier pigeon has landed with Joe Francis on her arm to share her message. Marysol has the best talking heads this episode bar none. Joanna is screaming at Joe now and Romain is drinking a frufru drink from a stir stick while trying to give Joe a menacing look very half-heartedly. Priceless. Joe is now screaming “You were sleeping with Mohammed at the same time!” The only Mohammed in LA I know is Mohammed Hadid. Could that be him? Joe says the names of a few other guys Joanna was sleeping with (they are bleeped and Mohammed Hadid has a Bravo contract so make of that what you will) and then says Joanna gave him a blowjob in a movie theatre. That can’t be true. I don’t think Joe could afford her rates. Oh wait. Actually he can. And so could Mohammed. Interesting. Finally, Joanna’s man is still drinking the pink drink through the stir stick in a black silk robe and says with no vitriol at all, “You talk to much dude.” before looking around for a bartender. Lea is pretending to be trying to calm Joe down but frankly she looks like she is loving this as much as I am.  As Joe is walking away Romain mutters “Hey relax dude.”

Cut to a Joanna talking head where she tries to explain Romain not doing a damn thing to Joe by saying, “Of course he wanted to knock him out but he was smart enough not to stoop to Joe’s level.” I don’t think any guy I have ever dated would tolerate someone speaking to me that way in public. More than one might have choked him out on the spot. I’m just saying. Apparently Romain is used to hearing about all the guys Joanna bangs. Allegedly.

Everyone hates Karent even more for stirring the shit. Meanwhile Marta more or less admits to sleeping with Joe Francis to Joanna. SHOCKER!

The good news is we don’t have to wait until Thursday to see the slap. PUHLEASE I BESEECH YOU tune in on Sunday.