Okay, I want to blog this while I still think it is a good idea. So here is what happened on AfterBuzzTV last night.  Basically, I channelled Bea Arthur and became the spokesperson for mental illness. I’m okay with that.

First of all I’ve been asked to do people’s  “radio shows” or “podcasts” or whatever a few times since starting this blog. I always say no. And I had planned on doing so this time, except the chick who was asking, Anna Koppell is and adorable creature. She said a lot of nice things about me which I didn’t believe and thought it was probably a vast conspiracy to harm me. But then I saw her on the AfterBuzztv.com youtubes. Even someone as fucked up as me could see that she was the fucking poster child of harmlessness, and everything that is good about this world.

And then there were the others. We’ll get to the guy later but the other two ladies were going hard on Aviva in all their shows. I get it. I go hard here on people all the time. I’m not nice here let alone politically correct. It wasn’t that they called Aviva a nutjob or crazy, that’s par for the course in reality TV gossip. I do the same thing. What bugged me is they repeatedly declared that she was doing the things she was doing for attention or ratings and that her apologies were not genuine and that she repeatedly relied on her anxiety disorder as an excuse. Because, as a fellow nutjob, I knew this was not true. I know it looks that way to sane people. I know. I also know you can’t explain it to sane people. I’ve tried. A lot. People will tell you in the most loving ways to get over it. Especially if you are otherwise a smart person. There is this underlying assumption that we know better. But we don’t. I’m embarrassed to say I saw a bit of myself in Jill Zarin the other night. In the face of all reality, she at one point said to Andy Cohen. “that’s not how I remember it.”  I’ve been in that place. When you are crazy, your perceptions are all off.

I don’t know when I started being crazy but I was probably just a kid. I think I know why I started being crazy but that is not really important. Many people have childhood trauma and don’t end up crazy. But the sane people saying that we use it as an excuse angers me. No one wants to be crazy.   I do remember my first panic attack. I was in college living in an apartment building that was more like a dorm because there were mostly students in cushy one bedrooms living a good life. We would leave our doors open and wander in an out.  I was skinny and pretty and happy had lots of friends. Life was good. I was making macaroni and cheese without a care in the world when suddenly my heart went crazy and I was scared.  I went to tell the girls I was dying (ever the drama queen) and one of them said it was a panic attack. Whatever. It went away and didn’t really happen again. What the fuck did I have to panic about? My life was pretty perfect. It was just a weird thing that happened.

Years later, while addressing a large crowd full of “important people”, it happened again. My college students were dumbfounded. I’m pretty unflappable. Nothing really bothers me. I was freaked out not because I was embarrassed that I froze in public, but because I froze in public for no fucking reason. I wasn’t nervous. It like wasn’t me at all. Clearly, I was being taken over by pod people or something.  More years later, in a more stressful teaching job I began having “heart problems.” There is a history of heart disease in my family. My heartrate went haywire. Weird shit was happening to me.  I was less and less me. I isolated. I freaked out. I was diagnosed with “generalized anxiety disorder.”

So now I have this thing. I’m crazy. Because that is what crazy is. When your brain doesn’t work right. That IS something that there needs to be a celebrity to rant about on twitter all day. Crazy people. We need y’all to be aware. Because I’ve been sane (ish) and crazy and I can tell you sane people don’t get crazy people. You think you do. But you don’t. Because your brain works right so when you see someone doing something stupid or crazy you think it’s a choice. It’s not always.

So that is the short version of how this crazy person ended up on AfterBuzztv.com defending Aviva Drescher. It went against all my self protective armor. I really had hoped I’d just make some jokes about Jill Zarin hiding her microphone in her necklace made from red crayons. Maybe I’d say I thought the best line of the season went to Carole when she said, “I heard two male voices, one was Luann…” I’d be clever and sane and everyone would love me. Instead I heard two male voices and one of them was me. I was channelling Bea Arthur. I was outside myself going, “girllll what the fuck are you doing? What is this deep voice? Why are you talking about the crazy? STOP TALKING ABOUT THE CRAZY!” I was on the phone (not my favorite thing) with four people talking about me at once. And I started out as that person who calls into a radio show where the host is all like, turn the radio off dumbass. It wasn’t going well. It didn’t make it a single second without looking ridiculous and silly.

I wasn’t very (intentionally) funny and a bit pathetic. Kinda like Aviva. I don’t think I did a very good job of defending her. or myself. or any of y’all. But you know what? My DM box and my timeline had a lot of people saying thanks. They felt good that they were not the only crazy person.  There are a lot of us on the Internet that see Aviva as our crazypants leader. I know Molly from the show thinks I am “her only fan.”  But there are always the crazies to factor in. I’m Aviva’s brand of crazy without all the money and dignity. So we cringe when she starts to spin out of control and we root for her when she stays sane. Personally, I am amazed at how well she holds herself together under so much scrutiny. She still has a tremendous amount of dignity. I know the sane people don’t see it. But I do. Even when she is crazy.

So I’m not going to beat myself up about the AfterBuzz thing. Sure it will be on youtube for all perpetuity. But it was fun. There were lots of funny parts. Like the long segment about how the dude on the show is married to someone very, very hot. I’m sure that had nothing to do with my preshow request for him to dress like a pirate so we could role play a scene from slutty island. What? I thought it was appropriate! He speaks French! And I’m crazy.

Thanks for reading and watching and for being crazy with me. And if Anna Koppel still lets me. I’ll do some Shahs of Sunset shows with her in the future. I have a new castmate to mock. I’ll try. but not promise, to be the fun crazy and not the serious crazy. Because I don’t really trust people at all, but Anna is beautiful on the inside and it just radiates everywhere. She made me feel safe, and that is something I don’t feel often.  I’m grateful to her  because she knew I was crazy when she invited me.

I hope you decide to stick around. Everyone likes a good trainwreck. I can’t promise that I won’t have more ridiculous twitter meltdowns or say offensive things or even play nice, but I will always tell it to you like it is in my crazy brain.