I had a request to translate Teresa’s latest blog. It was seven pages long. Read on if you dare. I first give you what the ghostwriter typed and then what I think Teresa said to the ghostwriter. Grab a glass of tea and a snack this is practically a novel.
The Ghostwriter: Hello from the Jersey Shore! I’m holding on to the last week of summer as long as I can!
Teresa: Hey youse guys! Joe’s girlfriend lives down the shore so I figured if me and the kids wanted to see him we better go on down that way. I’m making sure there is lots of booze here, so he comes home when she runs out. She doesn’t know him like I do. Anyhoo, we are doing great! I’m sorry this article is late. I pay my ghost writer by the word so she takes forever to get these done lately. Anyway here we go!
The Ghostwriter : One of the days we had no sun, I sat down and watched Alice in Wonderland with the girls. When’s the last time you saw that movie? It is seriously f-ed up! When I was a kid, I didn’t like it, because it was too weird and scary. But I actually enjoyed watching it this time, because I felt like I could relate. It’s not that different from watching RHONJ! I felt like Alice all last season every time I filmed with the other women, because I never knew what to expect and they were insane in a different way almost every day.
If you think about it, it actually fits really well. If I’m Alice (and according to my cast members’ blogs and interviews — blah blah blah blah Teresa blah blah blah blah Teresa Teresa — it is The Teresa Show), then it’s pretty easy to see who everyone else is: Caroline is the Red Queen (I don’t think I need to say anything more about that…); her kids are those playing cards, running around trying to make the Queen happy so they stay on the payroll; Jacqueline is the goofy, confusing and very confused Cheshire Cat; Kathy is the high-and-mighty Caterpillar with her hookah, who insults other people’s intelligence but can’t pronounce words correctly herself; and Melissa… I think she’s both Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee since she seems to think she can play two different characters at once: the innocent, fun girl who puts on a show falling into a foot of water in a river and pretending to be scared, and her real self with her nasty little comments, blogs, and interviews…
Teresa: I watched a movie with the girls to distract them from wondering where their father was. You know, it was that one by the guy who wrote the whole thing while he was on an acid trip. So it totally reminded me of my life. I felt exactly like Alice when she said, “Sometimes I believe in as many as six impossible things before breakfast.” I believe a lot of impossible things too. Like you know, Joe would never cheat on me, and everyone is jealous of me, and I’ve never done anything wrong to my family and friends. Caroline can be the Red Queen because she is the old one and her hair is red. It made me mad in the movie when she said, “It’s tiny. It’s a pimple of a head.” People should not talk about other people’s heads. Or foreheads. Or lack of foreheads. Caroline is mean. And when that Cheshire cat said, “All this talk of blood and slaying has put me off my tea.” I totally thought of Jaqueline. When all those bitches talk bad about me, she starts not liking me, her T, all the time! Could you believe when that blue caterpillar said to Alice, “I can’t help you if you don’t even know who you are, stupid girl.” That is exactly how Kathy talks to me! I don’t even know what that means! And I am not stupid. And Melissa is always copying me like she’s Tweedle Dee and I am Tweedle Dum. I am not dum and I don’t even know what a tweedle is.
The Ghostwriter: Speaking of that, before I forget, I am sincerely blown away that while even Jacqueline and Caroline managed to find enough respect to avoid talking about my husband’s infamous “phone call” last week, and Melissa said because she didn’t like anyone talking about her marriage, she wouldn’t either, Melissa then ran to AOL and did a big interview about it anyway. I should be surprised, but like anyone who really knows Melissa, I’m not. All year she says that I crossed a line talking about her marriage (in PRIVATE to my own BROTHER) but it’s cool for her to make awful assumptions to the public like I knew who Joe was talking to and I’m in denial? For the record, I have no idea who Joe was talking to and neither does he. It was a year ago and it wasn’t just one person, it was a whole bunch of phone calls strung together. He can’t remember who he was specifically talking to (and there was no “hi baby” like the media reported, was there?), but he thinks it was probably his driver, who’s a childhood friend of his. The rest of the article is ridiculous and completely one-sided.
Teresa: Did you guys see that article in HuffPo that Melissa made mostly all about her? She only talked about me for like one or two questions! She said she felt bad for me and that she knows I will get my head on straight and move past it. How dare she say that? About that call, Joe doesn’t even know who he was talking to! It was a year ago and he calls me a bitch and a cunt all the time! How is he supposed to remember that specific time? It was probably his driver. They talk a lot because Joe doesn’t have a license. So now his friend drives him everywhere. He needs someone he can trust not to blab about all the stupid shit he does. That article was Melissa talking about herself and her opinions and she didn’t even say what I think. It was ridiculous that she did that!
The Ghostwriter: The only thing keeping me sane through all of this is you all. Thank you so much for being on this crazy journey with me and seeing what I see! Bravo viewers (even the ones who don’t admit they watch) are the smartest and most sophisticated viewers out there! No matter which Housewives you love or love to hate, you all aren’t fooled by fake set-ups and bad acting. You all see everything, even things I missed!
Teresa: I love that lots of viewers are as dumb as me and believe everything I say! Thanks! It’s people like you that pay my bills! Lord knows, Joe doesn’t bring in any money and gaudy feathers and sequenceses ain’t cheap!
The Ghostwriter: Thank you for seeing the hypocrisy of women who act like I’m wrong for being on the cover of In Touch but throw a party when Melissa’s on the cover of a local “magazine” and pretend they didn’t see Melissa actually bashing me in US Weekly the same week. You see the crazy of Kathy pulling up a comment I made about her husband’s jokes on her phone and pretending to be shamed… this from the woman who took a paycheck to go on national TV and bash her own family member in every episode.
I don’t know why the other women think the viewers are stupid, think you guys don’t read every blog, every interview, every tweet, and REMEMBER them! You see my blogs are the same since the first season. You see how Melissa forgets you all can read and you keep track of all her contradictions. You see how Caroline doesn’t even bother with a blog anymore because she has nothing to really write about because her whole argument is nonsense. (Whoever wrote me and called her “Angry Chuckie”… not nice, but thank you for making me laugh so hard I almost peed my pants!) You know how we talk to each other, how we put our hands on someone’s face to say “look me in the eyes” like how Caroline did to me at the Season 2 reunion and how I did to Kathy; you know it’s not a big deal like St. Kathy was making out.
Teresa: Thanks youse guys, my Tre Stans, for understanding that when I call Caroline “Angry Chuckie” in my blog, it’s funny. But when other people point out things about me in their blog, they are trying to tear apart my fambly. You guys understand that even though Kathy told me not to touch her five separate times, that I didn’t have to listen to her. It was not a big deal. That’s how we do things in Patterson. I’m the star of this show and whatever I do is what makes the ratings. I can belittle my fambly all I want to. They should never have gotten to be on my show in the first place.
The Ghostwriter: I’m sorry, but it does make me feel better that the person accusing me of things can’t even tell Andy Cohen exactly what I did to her, is the one who calls their own kid an asshole on TV, and says with a straight face that she “can’t relate” to her daughter’s weight struggles because she’s “been tiny” her whole life (made my heart break for Lauren). If you are respectable and walk the walk yourself, I’m happy to listen to your opinion of me. If you’re a delusional, hypocritical ball of anger who schemes against anyone and everyone, even members of your own family, I’m not.
So about Caroline and her big scary blow-up at me… It was very intense, all the animosity and hatred coming off of Caroline. I’ve known her a long time, and I’ve seen her be this way with many, many people in her life. She has a really unhappy, almost evil energy. I have to say though, as many times as she called me names and said horrible things to me, screaming and trying to get a rise out of me, I’m very proud of myself that I held it together. Again, thank you all for that. Since Season 1, you’ve helped me see that there are better ways to deal with things than just screaming and fighting. I really want to be a better person, even in my worst moments. At one point, I was so close to saying something really nasty to Caroline, but I caught myself and bit it back. I thought about Dina and their mom, Nettie, and I didn’t want to hurt them, so I didn’t say it. (I’m only human though, so I did call her a few names under my breath in my own room. Sorry!)
Teresa: I know I have pissed off everyone that was on that trip and I had no back up. So I was afraid to say anything to Caroline’s face. Besides, Caroline has nothing on me! She can’t prove anything! I told her I was sorry even though I never did anything wrong! So I just went to my room and whispered bad words and devised a plan to hang out with Dina because I know that will piss her off. She may be older and wiser, but I’m not stupid.
The Ghostwriter: I guess Caroline doesn’t have the same respect for my mother, because she told horrible lies about me and my mom. I’ve never said any of the things Caroline said I did, NOT ONE. Thankfully Caroline is a well-documented liar (remember Season 1 with the Danielle book at the salon?), and I’m not. The idea that anyone could poison a mother against her own son, especially an Italian mother against her only son, is crazy. My mother loves my brother and no one could change that, and I would never want to. We are all my mother has. She doesn’t have 11 other kids to look to when we’re fighting. It breaks her heart. (P.S. everyone knows I usually speak to my mom in Italian, and Caroline doesn’t speak the language, just sayin’. Maybe it’s an “off the boat” thing…)
Like I said, I’ve known Caroline a long time and know how she operates. And even before we ever had a bad word, I never trusted her. I know how she stirs things up and twists things, and I would never say anything in front of her that she could use later against me. Because she would. They all would. They take notes and bring them to the reunion! I’m not an idiot, I watched Real Housewives of New York when they had new cast members come on board. I saw how it backfired on Jill when she tried to tell other cast members not to film with people. It’s not cool and it doesn’t work anyway. If they’re on the show, they’re on the show. Did I hate how Melissa and Kathy joined the show behind my back? I’ve always been honest about that: yes I did. But I got over it. I never told Caroline or Jacqueline to hate Melissa or Kathy. In fact, I said the opposite: go be friends with them! I knew they’d all have to interact because we were filming together. And I knew the only thing me saying “don’t like them” would get me is a big hatefest at a future reunion. Why would I want that?
Teresa: Hey ghostwriter, I have no defense for my behavior this season, so can you look up some stuff about the others, especially that bitch Caroline and talk about bad things they’ve done? Let’s remind the readers of all their faults and maybe they will forget I am supposed to be talking about this episode where my fucking husband is a few feet away saying the exact opposite of what I am trying to get them to believe. I know it will take a while, but my blog can be late. I’m the star.
The Ghostwriter: And as for Melissa being a stripper, hell no, I never said she was to Caroline. For one, I didn’t know if she was. I heard the same rumors around town that everyone else did, but I chose not to believe them. The truth always comes out, and I wait to judge or act on things until it does. You can call that naive or in denial, but it’s how I listen to my heart. I can’t condemn someone who might be innocent, and dirty deeds and dirty pasts always come out. When they do, I’ll act. For two, if I thought for one moment Melissa actually was a stripper, Caroline would be the last person on earth on I would ever tell. Why? Because it makes me and my family look bad! I don’t hear her bragging about her family’s dark side — and for good reason. Why would you want anyone to know that?
I still to this day don’t know if Melissa was or wasn’t a stripper or a call girl or a whore or a lesbian or a drug user in her past. And I don’t care. When she first started dating my brother, when she came around with her fake bubbies and her rumors, yeah, I cared. But Joey loved her, they got married, and I accepted her as a sister. Whatever she did or didn’t do is in the past. In the present she’s my brother’s wife and the mother of my niece and nephews. I might not like her as a person very much, but she’s using my last name, and I have no interest in Gorgas being associated with anything ugly. I still pray it’s all not true!
And remember, I’m not the one that obsesses over other people’s pasts, digs them up, and tries to humiliate them in our town — that’s Caroline and Jacqueline’s hobby. Isn’t it interesting that they did it with Danielle and tried to ruin her life as a mom to two lovely girls when her past was 17 years earlier, yet they don’t care at all about their new best friend Melissa’s past? Jacqueline suddenly she just doesn’t care about the same kind of past in another new Housewife? I’m not buying it. I have no reason to bring down or (further) humiliate my own family. Caroline and Jacqueline however have a million reasons to want to hurt me and my family and make us look bad…
Teresa: Okay, I’m gonna pay a little more this week for this. I need like three or four paragraphs about how Melissa is a stripper and a call girl and a whore and a lesbian and a drug user. I don’t care what kind of drugs, any kind will work. I need you to say all those things several times and then that of course I don’t believe it. Say that I am praying for her because she is my sister-in-law but still try to make her look as bad a possible. Mention she has fake bubbies, but not that I copied her and got my own fake bubbies. Okay? Then throw Caroline and Jaqueline right under the bus and run over them a few times. Talk about how they didn’t like Danielle because she was a felon and a stripper and a kidnapper and all kinds of bad stuff and they exposed her but they won’t expose my bitch of a sister-in-law who gets all my brother’s attention. Be sure to say I would never do anything bad and would never say anything to hurt my fambly or anyone else’s. They don’t have anything on me! Make sure it looks like I care.
The Ghostwriter: The show started out as all about their family. They were the stars, I was just the silly friend. I wasn’t interested in doing a show with my family at all. I’m still not. I turn down opportunities for my own TV show all the time, because I won’t do a show that exploits me and my kids. I know other people are super into that and would jump at the chance, especially for all the money, but I won’t do it. I won’t sell out my family.
Teresa: With Joe not bringing anything in and probably getting ready to go to the big house, I am going to need some more money. Say something that makes it looks like I have turned down shows a lot. Make it seem like I would never take a show that humiliates my family. What? Sure this show humiliates my family and is damaging to my kids. DUH! But, but don’t get into all that. Just make it seem like I am not out begging for my own show. I don’t want to look desperate. I’m not stupid.
The Ghostwriter: Keep watching, because it’s about to get even more insane! Caroline’s Wonderland continues to all new levels of crazy! And don’t forget the “seed” the other ladies have been planting all season: that I’m a huge mastermind. I am the reason for everything — global warming, gas prices, why people can’t show up to reunions, why their sons don’t get into law school… I personally know and pay every single mean person on Twitter and every blogger, even the ones who write bad things about me too. They’re all in my army! And I won’t rest until everyone is under my shoe, or my thumb, or my eyes, or however they said it…wait, Milania just tried to tie her sister to something. Since according to Melissa and her sisters last season I’m so pathetic I can’t even afford a nanny, I guess I’ll have to be the mom and go take care of this…
Teresa: I guess just end it by telling them that I am the victim. Say bad things about Caroline and Jacqueline and their kids. That really gets to them. Remind them that Melissa is mean to me. And make me look like a good mother.
The Ghostwriter: PS– My Joe is not and has never been on Twitter! Just me and @TrueGia
Teresa: And please tell these fools that Joe is functionally illiterate and could not work a twitter account if he tried. Those accounts are fakes! Stop reading them!