It always seems that the Big Brother Live Feeds are boring when you have the time to watch and when you get busy with life, some really insane stuff happens. That’s the way it has been this week.  In the last couple of days we’ve had an insane fast forward, a Pandora’s box, some big moves, a “funeral”, and perhaps the best hustle to get off the block in the history of Big Brother and all the while, Frank has been dressed like a carrot.  If you want some spoilers before tomorrow night’s show, click through for my attempt to explain the unexplainable.

I’m going to start with Dan coming out of 24 hours of solitary confinement replete with loud techno music and flashing lights. If you don’t know how Dan ended up in this predicament read here. With Dan on the block against Dani, Frank finally has the votes to get rid of his arch enemy in the house. Even with two people with veto power (Ian and Jenn) neither is willing to save him and everyone is ready to get out the previous winner. There seems to be nothing Dan can do.

But Dan is the biggest schemer ever in the history of Big Brother and he’s had 24 hours to come up with a plan. At first his plan is to fake illness. It seems that Dan (deliberately?)  threw up in the Have-Not room during solitary confinement.The other houseguests talked about the smell. When he comes out he tells Dani he doesn’t feel well and there is some discussion of bowel movements. So I click the feeds off. I don’t need to hear all that and there is really nothing important that can happen because Dan is toast. He doesn’t have the votes. Game over.

Or is it? Dani is beside herself as Dan begins to exhibit the signs of having a panic attack. He says the walls are closing in, Dani begs the diary room to give him some medical treatment. Dan winks at the camera. It’s all an act. But why? It doesn’t seem to serve any purpose. Perhaps he is over playing his “I’m really week at challenges” card. It matters not because soon he changes tactics. (Dan later tells the camera’s this about his sick act, “I acted like I was coming out of Clockwork Orange. It worked but was it necessary? I didn’t want to come out guns blazing, wanted them to think I was not thinking, that’s the reason I did it.”)

Dan calls a house meeting. He wants to give everyone a goodbye message from him since he knows he is going. He calls it a Big Brother funeral. He tells everyone not to cry and he seems a bit emotional. He tells everyone what he likes about them and what they have taught them. Joe has taught him that he can continue to be a big kid and still be a father. He talks about Britney and how they were newlyweds in the house together. He calls Shane Captain America. He tells Ian not to be so hard on himself for playing the game. He tells Jenn she is the first lesbian he has every met and she really changed his perspective. Everyone except Ian and Frank are crying. Frank’s face is saying that he sees this is all a ploy for attention and mercy. He is not amused. It does seem like Dan is just having a big ole suck up meeting. Until he gets to Danielle, who he has saved for last.

When it comes to Danielle, Dan is brutal. He knows her insecurities and he goes for the throat. When Dan was stroking Shane’s ego, calling him Captian America, he talked about fixing Shane up with his brother, I mean sister, and how he hopes he finds a nice girl worthy of his time. Dani bristled a bit at that. But when Dan got to Danielle he says that he picked her to have another Memphis in the house. Someone who could be loyal to him throughout the game. But he was wrong. She was not loyal. She betrayed him. She knows what she has done. He is through with her. He will not talk game with her. They may be friends outside the house, they can play pool or poker but in this game she is dead to him. Danielle loses her mind.

Dan says he would like to show something in the Bible to Frank privately and the meeting is over and Dan and Frank go to the HOH room alone to be with allegedly to be with Jesus. Meanwhile the whole house rushes to Dani. They all comfort her. They say that Dan is the biggest asshole in the world. They thought he was a good person but now they all hate him with the burning of a thousand suns. He is the devil. He is going home. Jenn is particularly pissed at him because she has developed a thing for Danielle.

Meanwhile, in the HOH Dan tells Frank that it was Ian who betrayed him and he was covering for Ian. He tells Frank about the quack pack. He says everyone down there wants Frank out and Frank needs an ally. He says that he was true to his alliance with Dan and Boogie the whole time. Dan has never sprayed this much Dan Mist in a game conversation in his life. Frank is totally “mistified” by Dan. Long, long, long story short, Frank and Dan agree to a final two with Dani and Jenn being the new alliance of four. Frank gets Jenn to use the veto on Dan and Dan gets Dani back under his spell within five minutes of misting her. New alliance created.

At the veto ceremony Jenn takes down Dan, and Frank puts up Britney. Britney is going home and she knows it. Only Ian is voting to keep her.

How is that for a major move by Dan? He can talk himself off the block even when all seems lost. Did I mention that throughout all this Frank is in a carrot suit and periodically taking chum baths? Because, yeah. That happened.

Thoughts?