I had a request to translate Teresa’s latest blog. It was seven pages long. Read on if you dare. I first give you what the ghostwriter typed and then what I think Teresa said to the ghostwriter. Grab a glass of tea and a snack this is practically a novel.
The Ghostwriter: Hello from the Jersey Shore! I’m holding on to the last week of summer as long as I can!
Teresa: Hey youse guys! Joe’s girlfriend lives down the shore so I figured if me and the kids wanted to see him we better go on down that way. I’m making sure there is lots of booze here, so he comes home when she runs out. She doesn’t know him like I do. Anyhoo, we are doing great! I’m sorry this article is late. I pay my ghost writer by the word so she takes forever to get these done lately. Anyway here we go!
The Ghostwriter : One of the days we had no sun, I sat down and watched Alice in Wonderland with the girls. When’s the last time you saw that movie? It is seriously f-ed up! When I was a kid, I didn’t like it, because it was too weird and scary. But I actually enjoyed watching it this time, because I felt like I could relate. It’s not that different from watching RHONJ! I felt like Alice all last season every time I filmed with the other women, because I never knew what to expect and they were insane in a different way almost every day.
If you think about it, it actually fits really well. If I’m Alice (and according to my cast members’ blogs and interviews — blah blah blah blah Teresa blah blah blah blah Teresa Teresa — it is The Teresa Show), then it’s pretty easy to see who everyone else is: Caroline is the Red Queen (I don’t think I need to say anything more about that…); her kids are those playing cards, running around trying to make the Queen happy so they stay on the payroll; Jacqueline is the goofy, confusing and very confused Cheshire Cat; Kathy is the high-and-mighty Caterpillar with her hookah, who insults other people’s intelligence but can’t pronounce words correctly herself; and Melissa… I think she’s both Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee since she seems to think she can play two different characters at once: the innocent, fun girl who puts on a show falling into a foot of water in a river and pretending to be scared, and her real self with her nasty little comments, blogs, and interviews…
Teresa: I watched a movie with the girls to distract them from wondering where their father was. You know, it was that one by the guy who wrote the whole thing while he was on an acid trip. So it totally reminded me of my life. I felt exactly like Alice when she said, “Sometimes I believe in as many as six impossible things before breakfast.” I believe a lot of impossible things too. Like you know, Joe would never cheat on me, and everyone is jealous of me, and I’ve never done anything wrong to my family and friends. Caroline can be the Red Queen because she is the old one and her hair is red. It made me mad in the movie when she said, “It’s tiny. It’s a pimple of a head.” People should not talk about other people’s heads. Or foreheads. Or lack of foreheads. Caroline is mean. And when that Cheshire cat said, “All this talk of blood and slaying has put me off my tea.” I totally thought of Jaqueline. When all those bitches talk bad about me, she starts not liking me, her T, all the time! Could you believe when that blue caterpillar said to Alice, “I can’t help you if you don’t even know who you are, stupid girl.” That is exactly how Kathy talks to me! I don’t even know what that means! And I am not stupid. And Melissa is always copying me like she’s Tweedle Dee and I am Tweedle Dum. I am not dum and I don’t even know what a tweedle is.