Last night Kim Zolciak looked dead into the camera’s eye and said, “I’m from Atlanta.” Now I’m used to over looking Kim’s little lies, like saying she quit smoking during her pregnancy. You can see photographic evidence of that lie here.  She tells little white lies about being a size two and not really drinking that much and other things to make people view her in a better light. I’ve come to accept that. But puhlease, Kimberleigh, stop telling folks while on national TV you are from Atlanta. You were born in Pensacola and raised in Connecticut and didn’t show up here until you were 21. You are not now, nor will you ever be from Atlanta. Holding a peach on a reality show does not a Georgia girl make.

The show began with the usual cute scene with Kim and KJ. These little opening interactions between Kim and that delicious baby are a testament to the RHOA production team. They are miles above the other franchises. From the big dramatic scenes in South Africa to these intimate moments, True Entertainment does an outstanding job. Next we see Kim headed out to the sticks to pay a psychic to tell her that her future in-laws don’t like her. We could have told her that for free!

UPDATE: Ratings are in and Tardy had great numbers. 1.453 million at 9:30 beating Punked and the Pauly D project on MTV. Even the replay at 11:30 brought numbers close to what Kathy Griffin’s show brought on it’s first run. Y’all might as well prepare yourself for a second season.

The rest of the episode was Kim trying to cope with a visit with the future in-laws while still dealing with her mother. A true Atlantan would have been cooking for days ahead, and making sure the guest rooms were spotless and the best guest towels were out and ready. Kim called her land lady/ interior designer to come over. I have no idea what Kendra did in the bedroom. My guess is nothing, and it was just another TV appearance for Kendra to keep the rent low. What you need in this situation is a maid, not a “designer.” This is an issue you can pay someone to take care of. You put out some fancy bath products and hope for the best. You try to make your guests feel welcome and expected.

Which brings us to dinner. I can’t imagine there being a woman alive who was born and raised in Georgia that can’t cook. That said, if there is such a creature, she would never serve guests, especially future in-laws, from plastic containers or cold pizza rewarmed on the back of some random “piece of metal.” I really want to believe this is a TV stunt, but sadly I don’t. An abject moron can roast a chicken with some vegetables and make a salad. I cannot believe you said to your mother-in-law that you’ve never touched raw meat (heh) and acted as though a can of beef broth was one of the world’s greatest rarities. This is not the way to make a future mother-in-law pleased with her son’s choice of brides. You missed an opportunity to actually learn how to cook something by behaving like a twelve year old at every turn.
Why didn’t you use the table set with the to-die-for Versace china for the in-law visit? Are you expecting a visit from the Queen of England or someone else more important? Versace china covers a multitude of sins. Which you had. Those blue and white everyday plates while more appropriate for reheated pizza did nothing to help the situation.

It’s really not Kim’s fault entirely. Clearly, her mother didn’t teach her anything with regard to cooking or manners. But you can’t try to package your spin-off as a the triumphant story of a single mother whose life turns into a fairytale and then prove to the world that those kids probably had to learn how to work a can opener at age four to get some Spaghetti-Os for dinner. You should have had Ariana teach you how to use the can opener before the kitchen scene. She seems like the only one in the house with any sense.

It was a nice touch to have Shun Melson there with some Mother of the Groom dresses for Kroy’s poor mother to choose from.  I’m not sure what she was more thankful for, that she didn’t have to pony up for her own dress or that your mother was unable to attend because “she was sweating and had to put on some deodorant.” Kroy very kindly tried to explain to you that it will take some effort on your part to change his parents opinion of you. You really should listen to him. Unfortunately, you are going to have your hands full with your own mother. I can’t wait for the scene where the police are called to remove her from your reception.

Somehow I still like Kim. Sure she’s flawed, but bless her heart, she’s happy. The world needs more happy people, even if they are damn Yankees who transplant themselves in Atlanta.