A Love Letter to Andy Cohen

A Love Letter to Andy CohenDear Bravo Andy,

We have been in a relationship for a while now.  Like most imaginary relationships that I have with gay men on TV, and well the Internet, we’ve had our ups and downs.  But over the years, I feel our relationship has deepened. Clearly, I love you. From your wonky eyes down to your lower half which may or may not have a health issue. I love your cute little catchphrases from “Here’s what”, which I have adapted into my own vernacular , to  “Mazel!”, which as a southern girl raised in a Baptist family I find less genuine when I attempt it. I even find your peppiness endearing.  But lately I find myself not liking me when we are together

The Real Housewives of Beverly HIlls - Season 3I’m starting to feel like something is just not quite right with our relationship. Maybe it is because we are spending more time together now that you have been picked up for five nights a week.  I’m used to having more time on my own. Also, now that I am a rich and famous blogger of international significance, I am spending a lot of time researching for my blog.  I know, you call it digging into your secrets but honestly, Andrew, if God didn’t want me snooping into the deep dark crevices of my paramours both real and imaginary, he would not have allowed Al Gore to invent the Internet. God knows me. I do not resist temptation well.  I am, as C.S. Lewis would describe me, a daughter of Eve.

So here’s what. I’m just going to be honest here, I feel like you’ve become a metaphoric drug dealing boyfriend for me. At first, I loved the feeling that I got when we were together.  At first being with you was like smoking a bit of pot.  I would lose my inhibitions for a bit and then, because pot has always just made me sleepy with a hankering for junk food, crash after demolishing a bag of crunchy Cheetos.  But you, knowing me well and seeing that pot just was not the drug for me, offered me a line of cocaine.  I sucked it all up and wanted more. Look at me, I am beautiful and together, Andrew!  Let’s cuddle on the couch and mock the Real Housewives of New Jersey! I am so much better than they are.  Just look at them, and look at me!  You are so much fun Andrew!  Let’s stay up all night watching the reruns over and over! Let’s blog about them and maybe drive up to New Jersey and sit outside their big ole houses and laugh and laugh!!  Um, let’s do that tomorrow because….Andrew, put your hand on my heaving bosoms.  Does my heart feel like it is racing to you? Do you think I need to go to the hospital? What was in that stuff Andrew? I finally slept and woke up feeling ashamed and guilty. What on earth were we thinking? This is not the eighties.

RHOMreunionAndyThat was when things began to get awkward. I’m a nice girl, Andrew. Without your wonky eyes and boyish grin encouraging me I would never have done what we did.  But I love you.  And now that your show, the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is spiraling to the depths of hell in the last few episodes, I feel compelled, because you are my love, to watch it with you. But there are dirty needles and meth and heroin all lying around.  This is not the relationship that we have, Andrew.  Maybe it is all the metaphoric drugs but I’m starting to feel anxious and confused and suspicious of you now.  I don’t think my mama would approve of our current relationship. It makes me feel ashamed and dirty.

So Andrew, here is what I need from you to continue with our relationship.  I need shows that don’t  exploit women. I need things to go back to the way things were when we met. Roble & Co. is a good example of what I am looking for.  Jasmine Ali is the most refreshing thing you have brought into our relationship in a long time.  She’s healthy and organic and makes me feel good about myself.  If our relationship is to continue we need more of that and a less poisonous programming. Can you do that for me Andrew? Because, if you can’t get me through this, I may be forced to leave you and check into a fancy rehab center on your dime. I don’t want that, Andrew. I want you to fix us.

Love,
Tamara

44 Comments

Filed under Andy Cohen, Atlanta, Bravo, Bravo Andy, RHOA, RHOBH

44 responses to “A Love Letter to Andy Cohen

  1. Bravo…er, I mean YESSS!

  2. Tam

    Tamara,This was the best! And the church said, "Amen!"

  3. vp

    Tamara, here is my comment. I don't think you are going to like it. But this is a man that bleeps Fa***t (as he should), but also retard (okay getting over zealous) and even retarded (don't understand this at all). This is also a man that seems complicit in the fact that every time you turn on Bravo you can't go a to a commercial break without a woman being called a bitch, slut or some other sex shaming name …AND it's not bleeped out!This is not a man who likes women. Or respects them. Sorry luv!

  4. I hear what you're saying, Tamara. But the sad fact is, Andy Cohen doesn't care what you, I, or any other woman has to say. His main goal is to exploit women because that's how he keeps his job. Period.I wouldn't waste another word on or to him.

  5. Great post! Love me some wonky-eyed Cousin Andy!…Yes, I might be "exploited" or "manipulated" and yes, the portrayals are far less than complimentary but I do try not to take whatever takes place on the screen too personally. My challenge with the Housewives shows (exception: ATL) is that they have strayed so far from their original concept/intention are becoming so very dark. It's clear that these women were not emotionally prepared for the spotlight's glare and have imploded or exploded. I don't know how this "progression" or "regression" can be reversed, I think Bravo is attempting to do this with the recasting of NY and possible recasting of BH. I wish them luck. If it continues down this dark path, I won't be watching. NJ this past season was almost unbearable.

  6. I agree with everything you said. BUT I have a feeling Andy will not care because he is laughing all the way to the bank. I thought Atlanta was bad with loud mouth bully Nene, then they brought in an ex con. BUT BH took this entire season to an all time low with drugs, alcoholism,domestic abuse, suicide. Taylor and Kim should have been removed from the show but they just kept filming. Shame on Bravo and Andy.

  7. Thing is Andy Cohen is not gonna change, he likes being a dealer of degrading sleaze it's what he does and he does it well… If people don't want to continue down the slippery slope with him, it's necessary to just.let.go. Repeat slowly…Hello, I am a Bravo sleaze addict, I admit I am powerless and strangly drawn to the weekly trip down an exploitive and degrading road.

  8. I was never a Bravo watcher until RHOA, and that's when I was introduced to Andy. The show, as well as Andy used to be fun – not so much anymore. I heard he was going to be on five nights, but I won't be watching. Linda

  9. excellent letter. We must consider that Andy has gone the route of too many of these Housewives….the attention has gone straight to his head….diminishing his authenticity and likability for us all.

  10. Loved your letter, Tamara! I really hope your beau Andy is reading. You're not the only one who feels this way!

  11. …and at the end of the day you will continue to watch Bravo. Blah blah blah.This post is bullsh*t.

  12. Did anyone see Nathan, I mean Nene's performance on Glee? Wow! A talking horse. How did they hide her tail? Does anybody know?

  13. Who says fat girls can't be sexy?I say it…. Real talk.

  14. Just leave my Andy alone. No one is forcing anyone to watch Bravo. Give the man credit for what he has done with a crappy little channel like Bravo and has turned it around into a money making franchise. If you're looking for Masterpiece Theater it's on PBS. As for Mr. Cohen, give him a break. Do you know how hard it for someone Jewish to break into show business. It's practically impossible. Keep up the great work Ms. TamaraNJB

    • Jackson

      Was that a joke? How hard it is for someone who is Jewish to break into show business? Maybe I missed your inflection.

  15. AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!He is the main reason I don't watch a lot of BRAVO anymore. I.Can't.STAND.HIM He's a pimp.

  16. I used to think he was the best hostess with the mostess and thought I could 'turn' him if I ever got my hands on him. That is until he started blatantly lying on WWHL. RIP

  17. amen sister,amen!!!you have summed things up perfectly! i think this is a prime example of how we can vote with our feet. as one of the posters pointed out, dissatisfaction is the reason why ny is being recast. things won't change for good until/unless we show bravo/andy that we are willing to change the channel. i also feel very strongly that at his core, andy has a deep dislike of women. i cannot come up with any other reason to explain why he is so willing to portray us so universally negatively. we have to say it is not ok, in order for it to stop. you did so beautifully!!thanks!chitown shelley

  18. But… I CAN CHANGE HIM! If I leave him he will never get the help he needs. Oh and Annie, three trolls in a row? quite the hatrick./giggle. Thanks for being my #1 viewer!

  19. I absoultely loved what you wrote! However all of these women are willing participants in their shows and they wanted this attention. Tv has just put a magnifying glass on their personality flaws,finacial lies and lack of common sense. I don't feel sorry for any of these women. They are allowing themselves to be exploited. Although I agree with you tamara and I wish my morals were the reason I no longer want to watch, I'm more turned off by the fact that they are manipulating the "reality" in this reality show. Now that I've seen the magicians tricks, I'm bored. I'm going back to watching sitcoms like "the Game" where there is suppose to be a script.

  20. Great letter, loved it. Even if Bravo is making money with the HW franchise and may choose to let things go the way they have, doesn't mean we as viewers can't or shouldn't speak up. If we all sit silent and do nothing than we have no voice. I for one am going to send Andy a tweet with a link to this letter. If all of Tamera's followers and others who agree with her letter do the same thing….well the voices will be heard and things can and just might change. As for the comment about the difficulty of Jewish people breaking into show biz, ummm remember the first big major production company MGM? Let me tell you Jewish men ran Hollywood for years and are still very much in place.I take nothing away from Andy as a gay Jewish man, Tamera's letter is about ethics, taking the high road and not exploiting people (substance abuse, domestic violence, mental breakdowns, suicide, etc.) with major psychiatric illnesses whose collateral damage is well documented.Kudos to Tamera for using her voice and platform in a a responsible way even at the risk of losing followers…although I think by her courage she will actually gain followers.

    • lwickedgirl

      I think the other writer was being sarcastic when she made the comment about Jewish people having problems breaking into show business.
      I don’t watch (mostly) his show any longer because he has grown stale and tired. He use to be fun but now he is so full of himself it is like watching someone who is bloated pass gas and call it perfume. His smirks just irritate the crap out of me and the underlying truth of how he feels about women has bubbled to the surface. I have voted by changing the channel and now I am trying to wean my self off the Housewives franchises. Even train wrecks get tiresome after awhile.

  21. LOVE it, Tamara!!!! Of course Andy wouldn't give a shit but it is fantastic writing nonetheless! xoxo

  22. Tamara,Love your letter and will take Barbara's suggestion and tweet the link to Andy. Love your blog #1A FAN!sogirl1977

  23. Fortunately, I am not the jealous type. Bitch.

  24. Darling, you are perfect in everyway. I don't know how I let Andy distract me like he did. Please don't be jelly. xoxo

  25. You can not change him ! Wake up and save yourself girl!

  26. LOVE this!Just an FYI to another comment what does or doesn't get bleeped isn't up to Andy or Bravo it's up to the FCC

  27. I think they need to keep cast members no more than 3 seasons (except Lisa, can't get enough of her!)I'll still watch…I think. I'm not all up to date on lies (cept for Shana's) but get sick of Andy not willing to confront HWs.Honestly, I don't watch Roble & Co, or any other Bravo show, so if they cancelled HWs, I'd be bummed.I am tired of 5 nights of WWHL, only watch it when HWs are on. Good blog though, but your writing always is.

  28. with regard to the FCC, I'm not sure if fag is required to be bleep but I am pretty sure they bleep retarded. Which is fucking retarded.

  29. Adorable; simply adorable.

  30. haha love this open letter but know he’s laffin all the way to the bank. so are all his reality folks who capitalize on their notoriety…

  31. Lisa MH

    I do love this letter/essay. EXCELLENT! But, as you indicate, things started out innocently enough. When some major drama started (I think of Kelly Killoren-Bensimon – did I even spell that correctly?), it drew attention and more viewers. It snowballed to RHODC and the (now less) infamous Salahi’s (again, sp?). It took a dangerous turn and started an avalanche in exploiting a true addict and hiring a pair of con artists. The thing is, darling, you never had an addictive personality, so you are able to walk away. Your dear Andrew is the addict; he just pretended to be a dealer to try and get you hooked with him. Nobody likes to get high alone. At first.

  32. Katrina

    Love the post. I don’t know how I missed it. I watch a lot of the shows on Brabo, but I also like regular scripted shows. I use to watch every single houswife show. I flipping through the channels one day and started watching RHOC. They remind me of Soap Operas. I use to be addicted to them. I think we fall on love with certain characters and we somehow identify with their lived. It is probably all fake, but I like the stories. I like these women are finding a way to make money and live the life they want to live. It’s not all pretty.

  33. sym382013

    OMGosh! How did I miss this post?? I am in total faux love with Andy Cohen, except I feel the more popular he’s gotten the less access. Like he used to answer my tweets sometimes, which would thrill me for days but now, not so much. In his first book he stated that he just can’t believe people want to take a picture with him or want an autograph. In his second book, he talks about how irritating it can be sometimes *sigh*. And since his book ends while Joan Rivers was on life support and had not yet died, I felt there should’ve been a little tribute to her since they were in the middle of a deal on a new show he would’ve produced for her that was about to start production. But on the other hand, I don’t drive anywhere that I don’t listen to one of his audiobooks. Even though he slams West Virginia in the new books several times (His dog, Wacka, came from WV – actually I DID tweet about that and he answered me) I still love him. I want to be his friend but he is getting to big for us little people and it makes me sad. But if you two get back together, can I hang out sometimes with you? I live exactly right between where Apollo is in prison an hour and a half away and about 3 hours from where Teresa will be in a little over a week, as long as it’s the prison Martha Stewart went to. So maybe you and Andy can come to my house (it’s not a shack or trailer, it’s a nice house) and I’ll drive my hybrid Lexus (yes! they do have good cars in WV) and we can make a day or two of it and go visit the jailbirds. I bet the conversation would be riveting if Andy would loosen up back to the Andy of old. I used to want my kids to bring me John Travolta if I was on my deathbed, but now I have changed it to Andy Cohen. But I bet they wouldn’t be able to get a hold of him so if you guys get back together then I need him to know this. OK? Thanks!

  34. nanaintn

    Don’t know how I missed this but please, please write book. A book about anything I’m even vaguely familiar with. You are the best! I’ll gladly read & reread it (as I do your blog) until book #2 is in print. Thanks for sharing your talent!

  35. Wonky Tonk

    LOL. I love it! Every bit of it! And not not just because you used the word wonky in it twice, but that certainly didn’t hurt!!!!!

  36. OMG….I can not stop laughing, I remember reading this years ago, and thought it was cute..But O how is rings true now..You warn us, and no one listen and now we are all in this sick relationship with him too..

  37. Brandy

    This. Is. Everything!! Could not have been more perfect and exactly how my household has felt since about the same time but yet every year he lures us back. #rehabonhisdime <—–we should start a campaign :)

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